


C8H10N4O2 (The Building Block of Love)

by die_traumerei



Series: Chemistry [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Anal Sex, Artist Steve Rogers, Bottom!Steve Rogers, Canon Disabled Character, Comeplay, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Good BDSM Etiquette, Heavy BDSM, Heavy Bondage, Light BDSM, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Rope Bondage, Top!Bucky Barnes, mute!Bucky Barnes, not a slow burn, not with each other!, past abusive relationship, relationships take work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 17:35:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 73,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4970089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/die_traumerei/pseuds/die_traumerei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Only Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers could have meet-cute over a fistfight.</p><p>It doesn't take long for them to fall for each other, what with daily dates over coffee, a comic they're half-assedly writing together, and the fact that each thinks the other is total human perfection. But it isn't all smooth going; fighting a series of more and more ridiculous villains is nothing against figuring out how to fit together, deal with your boyfriend's problems as well as your own, argue and make up, and cobble together something that might be a life together.</p><p>Slice of life, and the inevitable Coffee Shop AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I WILL NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR THE TITLE.
> 
> (If the title mysteriously changes, we shall not speak of it again.)
> 
> I started writing this ages and ages ago, and it never quite felt right until a few key changes. I want to write a story about dealing with disability, and sort of disapproving of how someone you love deals with their disability. I desperately wanted to write mute Bucky who is defiant and wonderful and at home in his own body (or at least thinks he is). I basically always want to write a loving, awesome Steve Rogers who needs to build a ladder and get over himself.
> 
> A note on the tags: Bucky is mute because of an early trauma that he never discusses, and which will not be explained in this story. That said, it's there, and there will be some discussion about it which makes it clear that something very, very bad happened to him. There will be no descriptions of the abuse.
> 
> Tags and characters will be updated as the story progresses.
> 
> Update: A translation of this story is now available [in Polish](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6275083/chapters/14378500).

“Hey fuckhead, why won't you talk to me?”

Bucky ducked his head, trying to pull further into his coat. Invisible, quiet, so silent, can't see me so you can't fight me.

“You retarded or something?”

“Yeah, he is.” Great, Asshole Number One had a friend.

“Hey, fuckin' say something!” And another friend. How did these people have friends? Bucky stumbled forward as someone shoved him, and he turned the motion into a smooth twist, turning to stand with his back to the wall, bag safely behind him. He raised an eyebrow. One against three wasn't great odds, but as he was thinking he could at least get away, the first fist crashed into his jaw.

He reeled a little, but recovered quickly, and gave at least as good as he got. No one ever expected the quiet dude to fight back, so he had a few seconds of surprise on his side, at least.

“Hey, leave him alone!” And then there was another body fighting beside him, decking Asshole Number One while Bucky kicked out, catching one of his buddies in the knee and causing him to howl.

He glanced over, and almost stumbled when he saw who it was. The being Bucky had more or less immediately nicknamed Hot Tattooed Guy when he first saw him a month ago was busy grabbing Asshole by the scruff of his neck and bodily flinging him away.

Hot Tattooed Guy spent his days – or at least, large parts of them -- at Bucky's favorite coffeeshop. Hot Tattooed Guy had featured very, very strongly in Bucky's daydreams since he'd started arriving about a month ago. He was tall and gorgeous and heavily inked. And very good at punching.

Less good at situational awareness, though. He'd turned around and was grinning at Bucky, asking if he was okay, and the third guy was walking up behind him, a chunk of wood in his hand. Bucky gestured to his rescuer to duck, and luckily the guy did – allowing Bucky to execute an absolutely perfect haymaker, and send the third guy running.

“Nice,” HTG said, and frowned, reaching out. “Hey, you're hurt.”

Bucky prodded at his own jaw and winced, then wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and checked – blood, though not much. He shrugged.

“No, man, that looks painful.” Oh God. It wasn't enough that he was six foot tall and built like a brick shithouse and regularly ordered pour-overs. No, he had to be kind and friendly too. He just had to be the type to join in on a street fight, and then offer to bring the other guy home and put frozen peas on his face. Which is exactly what he was doing just then.

Bucky hesitated, and then pulled out his phone, holding it so the guy could see the screen, and swiping it open to a text program.

_are you ok? did they get you?_

“Nothing worth mentioning. Hey, you hang out at Avengers Café, don't you?”

Bucky nodded, and tried to smile, but his face sort of really did hurt. _yeah. you too, right_

“Yeah. I'm Steve by the way. Hey, look, seriously, I don't live far off, and you should get some cold on that. Please? I promise I'm not a serial killer.”

 _exactly what a serial killer would say._ He paused typing, and enjoyed Steve snickering. _I'm Bucky by the way. and ok, if you promise it's no trouble. thanks btw. I didn't say that yet._

“Always my pleasure to beat up dickheads,” Steve said firmly. “I heard what they were saying to you. C'mon, it's only like three blocks away.” Steve (Hot Tattooed Guy had a name!) grabbed his bike and they started walking together. Bucky knew that typing and walking wasn't great, but Steve also had a hearing aid – he wondered...

He tapped Steve's shoulder to get his attention, pointed to him, then spun his index fingers and quirked an eyebrow. you sign?

Steve shook his head. “Not really, sorry. I can understand a little, if you go slow.”

Bucky nodded, but raised an eyebrow again, and pointed to Steve's ear.

“Oh. I just never learned. Um. Sorry,” he offered, and flushed a little.

Bucky blushed too, and shook his head, waving it away. Jesus, he was usually smoother than this.

“Here we are,” Steve said, and let them in to a nondescript rowhome. He left his bike just inside the entrance and led Bucky to the back of the house, opening an inner door. “I've got three roommates, but I usually have to place to myself around now.”

Bucky followed him into the house, decorated in the latest “Guys in their mid-twenties with no money” style. It was a mode he was familiar with. Steve sat him down on one of the mismatched chairs around a beat-up table, and got a bag of frozen peas out of the freezer. “Here. You gonna be okay? Your jaw's really swelling up.”

Bucky sighed happily at the cold on his face, numbing and soothing in seconds. He reached into his bag (in between closing his eyes in relief and relaxing into the chair), and pulled out an iPad, opening it up to the program that would let him type on one side and have the text appear right-side-up to Steve, who had sat down across from him. _I'm good. thank you. a lot._

“Ah, it was nothing. You're pretty good at fighting, y'know.”

Bucky grinned, and bowed his head a little at the compliment. Always nice to be appreciated

Steve laughed, throwing back his head a little so that Bucky could more clearly see the red, white and blue roses tattooed on his throat. He hoped that any swallowing hard would be attributed to his injury, pitiful as it was.

“Shit, I'm being a terrible host. You want anything to drink?”

 _water, please_ Bucky typed.

“Can do. Oh. Um. I meant to ask. Can you hear me or are you just really good at lip-reading?”

_not deaf, can hear you fine :)_

Steve smiled. “Good, so I can keep talking.” He got up and went to fill glasses for himself and Bucky, calling over his shoulder, “So, you live in the neighborhood?”

Bucky saluted him a little with his glass, and drained half of it. The high from the fight was starting to wear off, and he was sort of glad he had Steve's easy presence. Kept him feeling sweet and okay. _yup, i'm across the street from avengers cafe. guess you are too?_

Steve nodded. “Yeah – I grew up in Brooklyn. Before it was cool,” he teased.

_well, I grew up in indiana, so this is the universe giving me what it owes me..._

Steve laughed at that, and sipped his water, and Bucky tried not to stare. Or at least to alluringly check Steve out, not just gawp at his loveliness. He wasn't too sure he succeeded. “Fair point. How long you been in New York?”

_four years, since I graduated._

Steve smiled wistfully, and Bucky wondered why. “Nice. You like it?”

_love it!! love it so much. The dickheads are a pretty rare occurrence._

“Good,” Steve said. “How's your mouth doing, by the way?”

Bucky lowered the hand holding the bag of peas, and moved his jaw carefully. Nothing clicked, no sharp pains, so nothing really bad done. _okay. be a little sore tomorrow, but i'll be ok_

“Good,” Steve said, and his voice was suddenly so soft, and he reached over to touch the edge of Bucky's jawline, just with his fingertips. “Keep the ice on it for a little longer, okay? It'll help.”

Bucky leaned into the touch for just a moment, then nodded and pulled away to put the ice back on his face. _do you do this a lot? get into fights for other ppl I mean._

Steve shrugged. “Sorta. It wasn't fuckin' right, Buck. Three of them against you, and they were sayin'...” his eyes went cold, icy blue and flinty. “You just don't talk. There's nothin' wrong with that and they had no right to say those things.”

Bucky managed a lopsided smile. _I don't get called names a lot, but not never either. usually can just ignore it._

“But you shouldn't have to! I mean, no one should have to, but I just...” Steve made a frustrated noise. “I fucking hate bullies.”

_me too! I don't regret any punches I threw!_

Steve grinned. “Good, neither do I. They had it coming.”

Bucky nodded, and threw his head back in a silent laugh. _we should be superheroes_

“Hell yeah! You could be...okay, all I know about you is how you take your coffee and that you type really fast. And you're from Indiana,” Steve admitted. “What d'you want your code name to be?”

_the winter soldier. silent and deadly! and you're captain america_

Steve groaned. “Are you serious?”

_blue eyes and blond hair and made of apple pie and loves his mom – your tattoos don't fool me!_

Steve blushed. “Fuck off. I love apple pie. And my mom.”

_knew it_

“Yeah, yeah, you're fuckin' brilliant, Winter Soldier,” Steve said, and rolled his eyes. “Right, so we're Captain America, and his sidekick, the Winter Soldier--”

Bucky leveled a glare at Steve that shut him up mid-sentence. _his PARTNER_ he typed very pointedly.

Steve rolled his eyes again. “Fine. Captain America and his partner the Winter Soldier teaming up, to rid Brooklyn's streets of roided-up assholes...”

_protecting the weak and keeping the strong in check_

Steve grinned and reached for his bag, pulling out a sketchbook and pencil. “Oh, I like that. Right, so by day a not-very-mild-mannered artist-for-hire and –?”

_I translate Russian into English. And write, but translating pays the bills_

“Okay,” Steve said, pencil moving across the paper, “by day they work unnoticed. But when trouble calls, when assholes walk the streets, and when bullies need to be taught better...”

_Captain America and the Winter Soldier!_

Steve laughed, and looked up at Bucky's face. “Hold on, I've got an idea for a costume. Hold still for a sec, let me see you...right.” He looked back down at the sketchbook, forms being created under his fingers. “Tap me on the shoulder if you need to type something to me, Buck.”

Bucky just nodded and settled back in his chair, watching Steve work. Of course he was an artist, of course. He wasn't perfect enough, obviously. This was the actual worst day of Bucky's life.

“What d'you think?” Steve asked, and no, this was the _actual worst day_ of Bucky's life.

_TIGHTS????_

“Hey, at least I didn't give either of us a cape!”

Bucky rolled his eyes and looked at the horror before him again. Steve apparently had very...classic...tastes in comics. He'd drawn the two of them in skin-tight costumes, majestically ridiculous-looking. For all that, though – he'd captured Bucky's wiry strength and his own more impressive muscles. And more than that; Steve had drawn Bucky, even not having known him for long, the simple lines revealing how he stood, even how he'd fought. Silent but strong.

But, for real. Tights. And...a leotard? Bucky gave Steve an eloquent look, and held his hand out, wriggling his fingers for the pencil.

“Fine, I'd like to see you do better,” Steve said, mock-scowling. Bucky shot him a smug grin and started drawing, frozen peas abandoned for the greener fields of two grown men designing their own superhero costumes.

Bucky's style was precise, perhaps unlovely, but detailed – different from the soft sketchy pencils Steve had done. He didn't even bother to try their faces, just drew bodies. Steve in a form-fitting suit, but one that was at least mildly sensible with a single star in the middle of his chest, atop that big heart of his. And he drew himself silent, masked and unable to speak, but bristling with weapons, leather jacket military-esque.

Steve did an honest-to-god spit take when Bucky pushed the book towards him, much to Bucky's not-terribly-hidden delight. “Holy shit. This is amazing, Buck. Really.” He looked up and grinned. “You're too good at this.”

_i'm better at technical drawings. can't do faces for shit_

“Hey, no, seriously, you're too hard on yourself. This is amazing.” Steve's smile was soft and nice and no no no Bucky wasn't falling for him.

Fuck. Bucky was totally falling for this perfect golden god who very possibly didn't even like guys. Fuck.

Bucky just shrugged, but couldn't keep from smiling at his work. _thanks. hey, i'm sorry for fucking up your evening. I should get going._

“Bucky, no. You didn't fuck anything up, I promise.” Steve assured him. “I'm sorry it had to involve you getting punched, but it's been pretty cool getting to know you.”

_you too. thank you again, really, thank you so much for everything. see you monday?_

“See you Monday,” Steve promised. “Get home safe, okay?”

 _think I can manage that._ Bucky winked to take any sting out of the words, and put the iPad away.

Steve walked him to the door, and they bid goodbye with a cheerful wave from Bucky, who carefully didn't turn around to watch Steve watching him head around the block.

Maybe, just possibly, just maybe, Bucky wasn't the only one who had it bad.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It appears I'm making up for not writing all summer. I suppose I have to do something other than listen to the Hamilton cast recording sometimes?

Bucky let himself in the front door of the coffee shop, still caught in its usual afternoon lull. It was a lazy autumn afternoon, perfect sunlight dropping through the windows, and the background music was quiet, Benny Goodman.

Steve was at his usual table, and his face lit up when he saw Bucky, and he signed hello!

Bucky grinned and signed hello back. you want something? he signed, and sighed when Steve cocked his head and looked puzzled. Bucky gestured to the display of pastries, then to Steve, and cocked an eyebrow.

“Oh. Um, no, no thanks,” Steve said, cheeks going red. Well, shit; Bucky didn't really mean to make him feel bad.

He got his coffee and joined Steve, who smiled at him, easy as anything between them again. “Hey Bucky, good to see you again. How's your face?”

Bucky held up his hand and wobbled it side-to-side; he was sore, but not really hurt.

Steve, however, frowned at this and held out his hand, pulling it back short before he could cup Bucky's face in his broad palm. “Oh, Buck. Did you get someone to look at it?”

Bucky rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone, typing then holding it out so Steve could see. _It's just sore still, nothing really bad!_

Steve nodded, but he was still frowning. “If you say so.”

Bucky gave him a mock-threatening look, and Steve laughed. “All right! I believe you.” He smiled shyly. “Hey, I know we've both got work to do but, um, wanna share the table?”

Oh good _God_ if Steve didn't stop being precious and shy and wonderful, Bucky was going to...fall for him, actually. Hard.

_Of course! I won't get in your way or anything?_

“No, of course not,” Steve protested. “Plenty of room.” He flushed suddenly. “I mean, unless you really need to work alone, but I promise I won't distract you or anything, I mean, we both gotta work, just--”

Bucky held up his hand, and typed quickly _steve it's fine, you won't distract me_

 

 

Steve was totally distracting.

First, he was insanely good-looking. _Insanely_. Bucky knew he was pretty easy on the eyes, but Steve was ridiculous. Particularly when he smiled, and _really_ particularly when he smiled at Bucky, which he did regularly. He had huge stupid eyes with _huge_ stupid eyelashes and it was all just very stupid. The little frown of concentration he got when he was working was stupid, and the way his legs were a little too long for the chair was stupid. And the fact that Bucky noticed all of this, in between his typing, was _super_ stupid.

There was only one solution for it.

He tore a corner of paper out of his notebook and scrawled _For a good time call Bucky_ and his cell number on it, then passed it to Steve when he came back with a coffee refill.

Of course the fucker had an attractive laugh. “Thanks, Buck,” he said, and immediately pulled out his phone. A few seconds later, Bucky's phone buzzed, and a message showed up. _Hey good-lookin', what you got cookin'?_

Bucky gave him the dirtiest look he could manage, and Steve cracked up, because Steve was an asshole. And Bucky was in _love_. Well, lust, at least. And that kind of gooey happy warm feeling he thought he'd left behind in high school.

“For real, though. Wanna get dinner tonight?” Steve asked. He ducked his head and smiled at Bucky through his stupid giant eyelashes and well, what _else_ was Bucky supposed to do? He wondered, briefly, if anyone had ever said no to Steve.

Bucky grinned and nodded, and hoped he didn't look too much like the total dweeb he actually was.

“Awesome. You know the Wakanda diner?” Steve asked, and Bucky nodded again.

_Have you ever had their Spanish fries?_ he typed quickly, and Steve shook his head.

_we're definitely going, you gotta try them!_

Steve blushed. “I'll have a taste, but, um, spicy food and I usually don't get along.”

Oh, fuck off, you adorable kitten of a man, Bucky did not type. Instead he ducked his head to meet Steve's eyes, and smiled until Steve smiled back. Besides, that meant more for  _him_ .

 

They walked straight to the diner from Avengers Cafe. It was a nice, early autumn evening, just cool enough that the night felt wild and alive and wonderful, although that might have been the company. He and Steve walked the few blocks in comfortable silence, although they bumped shoulders six times and made eye contact and smiled three times, not that Bucky was counting or anything.

Bucky got his Spanish fries and Steve got a cheeseburger with the works. They both got milkshakes – vanilla for Steve, chocolate and cookie dough topped with whipped cream for Bucky. (“Oh my God, you are disgusting,” Steve said when he saw the creation, but there was wonder in his voice too, and Bucky took great joy from the way Steve's eyes dilated when Bucky wrapped his lips around the extra-big straw and  _sucked_ . Bucky could be a shitlord too.)

Steve tried a few of Bucky's fries, avoiding the spicier toppings, and was appropriately impressed. Bucky sipped from Steve's milkshake and refused to admit that the nice, subtle flavors had some merit. (They did, but like hell he was going to give in this early.) They both ordered coffee. And then another coffee. And then lingered some more until Steve genuinely began to look guilty at how long they'd taken the table, even though the diner was barely half-full.

_Time to head out?_ Bucky asked. He was kind of tired of typing so much; they'd talked for  _hours_ , and facial expressions and hand gestures could only do so much. Thank fuck for phones and iPads though; flirting via scribbling on bits of paper had  _sucked_ .

“Yeah, we should. I gotta get up early and go to my Mom's and help her with a few things,” Steve said, because he was perfect and Bucky refused to believe he was real.

_I had a really nice time tonight_

Steve's face softened. “Me too, Buck. Where do you live, by the way? I'll walk you home.”

_Just a few blocks from here – but away from your place, so don't worry about it_ .

“It would be my pleasure, seriously,” Steve said, and Bucky wasn't really going to fight him about spending a few more minutes together.

The walk home was way too quick, and they stopped outside of Bucky's apartment building.

“See you soon?” Steve asked, hunching his shoulders a little, like he actually fucking expected Bucky to say no.

Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, and kissing didn't involve talking  _or_ typing, so Bucky leaned in and applied his mouth to Steve's. 

Steve was – good. A good kisser. Warm and he tasted  nice , and he wrapped his arms around Bucky's waist and didn't hesitate in the least when it came to kissing him back. And he didn't hold back, or treat Bucky like he was delicate. Nor did he use his teeth overmuch, as one very bad first date had done some years ago. He was just – good.

Kisses tumbled between them, until Bucky had to catch his breath, his forehead pressed to Steve's.

“Oh thank God,” Steve breathed. “I _thought_ you, um. I mean. But I wasn't sure.”

Bucky laughed silently, and gave Steve a little shake. What, like he _hadn't_ been flirting his ass off all night?

“Yeah, I know. I'm sort of thick sometimes,” Steve admitted, and leaned in for one more kiss. “Thank you, Bucky.”

Bucky returned the kiss, and signed thank you _,_ relieved when Steve recognized it.

“Sleep tight, okay? Talk to you soon?”

Bucky nodded, and kissed Steve's cheek, and signed thank you again, and finally pulled himself away from Steve and Steve's big strong arms and Steve's...everything. It was late, and even if he mostly worked on his own, he needed to get started early in the day to accomplish anything.

Between the milkshake and the coffee and the kissing, Bucky sort of expected to be too excited-slash-sugared up to sleep, but he was drowsy even before he curled up under the blankets, and he had just enough time to meditate on the fact that he'd totally made out with Hot Tattooed Guy before falling fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as ever for your comments and kudos -- they seriously mean so much!
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter 3

_Hey, how's your day going?_

Bucky definitely did not leap for his phone, nor did he get a stupid grin when he read Steve's message. (Oh hell, why be ashamed? He had hooked up with a kind, hot, awesome, funny guy.)

_Boring. How'd things go at your Mom's?_

_Good, thanks – just moving stuff into the garage for her._

_What a nice boy you are..._

_Oh, fuck off :) Hey, you busy tomorrow night?_

Yes, yes, yes,  _yes_ second date! Bucky took a moment to punch the air, before informing Steve that he wasn't. And then that he would love to come over to Steve's for dinner and no, there wasn't anything he was allergic to or didn't eat and oh hell  _yes_ he was bringing a bottle of wine because if he showed up empty-handed his mother would rise from her grave and the poor woman deserved some rest, really now.

_Okay, okay, I'll stop arguing! But only for the sake of your sainted mother's ghost._

_How did you guess Mom was a saint?_

_She raised you, didn't she?_

_And three other kids._

_Good Christ, I'll say a novena for her._

Bucky smiled, and curled up a little in the big easy chair. _You got any siblings?_

_Nah, it was always just me and Mom. Dad died when I was a baby._

_I'm sorry. My parents passed a few years ago._

_I'm sorry, Buck. Should I not joke about it? I'm so sorry._

_Dude, joke away! It was sad – it is sad – but neither of them would have wanted us to be super-serious or anything. And Mom was a saint, and you better say that novena ;)_

_Promise! Hey, I've got to get to work, baby, but talk to you later?_

_Yeah. Have fun working, Steve. xx_

_xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo there that'll hold me until I see you tomorrow wait nope xoxoxoxoxoxo there we go_

_how are you real_

 

Steve Rogers may not have been a real boy (how could a person who had punched a guy for Bucky, was good to his mother, and had the body of a young god be real?), but he cooked a real dinner. Nothing fancy; chicken parm and a salad, but the chicken was drowning in about a gallon of melted cheese and the salad was better than anything involving lettuce ever had a right to be. Bucky ate thirds. (Steve ate fourths.)

_My God, you're amazing_ Bucky typed, iPad as always at his side. 

“Aw, I just learned young. It's just following directions,” Steve protested.

_Shut up, I can follow directions, but I can't make THAT_ Bucky  typed, then leaned in for a kiss. 

“Mmmm. Who needs cooking, with that mouth around,” Steve said, and Bucky rolled his eyes.

_That's TERRIBLE. and anyway, I gotta use my mouth for something, you know?_

Steve smiled, and started clearing the table. “No arguments from me.” He ruffled Bucky's hair, and tilted his head back for another kiss.

Bucky was good with his mouth and knew it, and it was pretty easy to flatten Steve with a kiss anyway. He just had to soften his mouth, drop his jaw and let Steve in, make himself open and vulnerable and the next thing he knew, Steve was moaning and collapsing into his chair.

He took advantage and cleared their plates away, fully intending to do the dishes.

“Hey, no! Buck, they'll wait – come and finish the bottle with me first, at least?” he protested, looking just barely mollified when Bucky came back to the table.

_You cooked, I clean, it's only fair_

“You're my date, you shouldn't be lifting a finger for yourself,” Steve argued, and blushed. “Besides, I like talking to you, and I can't as easily when you're doing the dishes. Sorry not sorry.”

Bucky shrugged. He was usually  _defiantly_ okay about being mute, but this felt weird. Steve was right, just...

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...” Steve flushed. “I said something wrong, didn't I?”

_A little? I don't know. It's okay, Steve, I'm not upset or anything. We should talk a bit about it anyway._

Steve's face took on a pinched look. “Only if you want to, Bucky.”

_Yeah, I do._ Bucky sighed, and sipped his wine.  _It's not always going to be easy on you_ .

“I don't care!” Steve protested. “I like _you_ , Buck. It's my responsibility to deal, not yours.”

Bucky resisted the urge to gently rest his forehead on the table. Steve was just...for fuck's sake. He had no idea what he was saying,  and he was so good but so dumb too .  _Steve, this is important to me. I need you to know what you're getting into, okay? So neither of us get hurt. I like you too, you know_ .

Steve went quiet, and drew into himself a little. “Okay,” he said. “I'm sorry, Bucky. What. Uh. What...do we talk about?” he asked, looking a little lost.

Bucky took pity, stood up, and held out his arms.  first hug he signed, and Steve understood enough to stand up and wrap his arms around Bucky, the two of them just holding each other for a moment. Good, this was good. Something to keep them in contact, remind them why they were doing this.

Steve was smiling when they parted a little, and kissed the tip of Bucky's nose. “Wanna go into the living room?” he asked. “My sofa's pretty comfy.”

Bucky smiled and nodded, twining the fingers of one hand with Steve's, and grabbing his iPad with the other. Steve, good man that he was, got their wineglasses.

They curled up together on the sofa, sitting so that they could face each other and be close, but with plenty of room for Bucky to type.

_Do you have any questions?_

“Um.” Steve said, and rubbed the back of his neck. “No? I'm sorry. Um. Were you born mute?”

Bucky shook his head.  _Talked til I was seven. Long story – really. Can I send you an e-mail with the whole explanation?_

“Yeah, of course,” Steve said, and looked guilty. “Fuck. Is...we talked a lot the other night, was that hard on you? You're such a fast typist...”

Bucky smiled and shrugged.  _It is a little bit sometimes, my hands get sore or tired. I didn't care the other night, I had fun! But yeah, sometimes I'm just not going to want to talk, and it's not you or anything like that, just...tired hands, you know?_

“I know. And you take care of yourself first, okay?” Steve looked serious. “Sometimes I'm not as thoughtful about other people as I should be, I get too in my own head. You can always just stop typing.”

Bucky gave him a dry look.  _Steve, I will. No offense, but I've taken care of myself for awhile now._ He leaned in to run his hand along Steve's face to take away a little of the sting, and gave his earlobe a little yank.  _I like talking to you._

“Good. I like talking to you too.” Steve looked down. “Would it be easier if I learned ASL?”

_Honestly? Yes, it really would_

Steve nodded. “Then I'll find a class. I know it takes  time to get anything like fluent, but I'll learn as fast as I can, I promise.” He shrugged. “It's not a bad thing to know anyway.”

_It'll be easier for you too, maybe?_ Bucky typed, and pointed to Steve's left ear, and the barely-visible hearing aid there.

Whatever he had expected, it wasn't for Steve to scowl. “I never needed sign language before.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow.  _Sorry?_

“Me too.” Steve had the good grace to flush. “I...sorry.” He smiled weakly. “Maybe I need to write an e-mail of my own.”

_Steve, are you going to be okay dating someone who is pretty visibly disabled?_

“What? Oh my God, _yes_. Bucky, don't you dare even think that that's a consideration for me!” Steve looked genuinely horrified. “I am okay with dating you! And your visible disability! I am _completely_ okay with that, and I'll repeat that as often as you need me to.”

_Okay. I believe you._

“Good.” Steve let out a long breath. “Buck, I am so attracted to you. God. The fact that we're dating at _all, i_ t blows me away, seriously. I want you, and I want everyone to know it.”

Bucky laughed silently, and pulled Steve in for a long kiss.  _I'm pretty fucking psyched too. But this isn't always going to be easy for you, and you have to promise me that you'll talk to me about it when it gets hard on you. Because it will._

“I don't believe you, but okay. I promise.”

_Stubborn git._

“Takes one to know one.” Steve leaned over and kissed Bucky's shoulder. “Promise you'll come to me, if you have problems with me?”

_Promise_ .  _And hey, do you have any other questions? I can't promise I'll answer, but most things I will._

Steve shook his head. “At least, none I can think of. Maybe more after you tell me all the stuff you want to?” He grinned slyly. “Well, I don't have any questions other than, wanna make out?”

Bucky facepalmed, but to be honest – he was glad of the change of subject. And _really_ glad to put his iPad to the side and reach out and _oh_ Steve's arms were really warm and gentle and so nice wrapped around him, Steve pulling Bucky practically onto his lap so they could press together.

Bucky twined his arms around Steve's neck and kissed for all he was worth, pleased to hear Steve gasp, and his hands spasm on Bucky's back.

“Fuck,” Steve swore, one hand weaving through Bucky's hair, pulling his head down a little so Steve could kiss back. Bucky let himself go limp, let Steve take his weight and take control and _God_ the man could kiss. He was more gentle than Bucky had expected, and oh, it was good. It meant kissing slow, drawing it out until they were breathing together, until Steve was trailing his mouth down Bucky's throat, licking a little at the sensitive spot just behind his ear and Bucky tensed, used his whole body to say _yes yes there_.

Steve laughed softly into his ear, and took his time, kissing and licking and so tender, until Bucky was a melted, buzzing mess in his arms.

They took a breather, Bucky resting his head on Steve's shoulder, still in his arms.

“Okay, baby?” Steve asked, and Bucky nodded enthusiastically. _Okay_ was putting it lightly. He rested his forefinger against Steve's chest and quirked an eyebrow.

“I am very okay,” Steve confirmed, and kissed him, short and sweet. “Very very okay.” He blushed. “Pretend I said something smooth just then.”

Bucky grinned, and kissed his cheek. Steve was _just fine_ without smooth lines. He traced the roses running along Steve's throat, admiring the soft shading, the way they seemed to bloom across pale skin.

“You like?” Steve asked, and Bucky nodded enthusiastically. Beautiful he signed, and Steve grinned. “Thanks. You got any ink?”

Bucky nodded and pushed the sleeve on his left hand up, just a few inches to show the simple black bar around his wrist.

“Neat,” Steve praised, rubbing his thumb across the top of Bucky's wrist. “I love work like this – it's art because it's on your body, and it complements your body. It comes alive, because it's on you.”

And now it was Bucky's turn to blush and duck his head, which made Steve laugh and kiss him. “What? It's true.”

Bucky shook his head, but he smiled, and kissed the blue rose just below Steve's ear. His ink was special to him, but Steve's was _beautiful_.

They kissed and held each other and cuddled until Bucky couldn't stifle his yawns any longer. It was particularly awful after he yawned literally in Steve's face after kissing him, and the bastard _laughed_.

Not you! Bucky signed desperately, and Steve laughed again, and kissed him right between the eyes.

“I know, sweetheart. I'm still kicking you out to go sleep, though.” He smiled, and kissed Bucky 's cheek . “Thank you for coming over.”

Bucky cupped Steve's face in his hands and kissed him back. Like he'd stay away.  Coffee tomorrow? he signed, and Steve's face fell when he couldn't understand.

“I'm sorry I'm a moron about this,” he said, and  _ clearly _ he needed a little cuddle after that, even if it was kind of exasperating.

_ Cafe tomorrow? _ Bucky typed on his phone and Steve smiled. 

“Yeah, of course.”  He stood up and pulled Bucky up after him, the two of them wrapping around each other. “Get. Go. Or I won't let you leave,” Steve mock-threatened, and Bucky kissed his cheek before pulling away fully, and shrugging his jacket on. It's not that he would have  _ minded _ spending the night in Steve's bed, just...maybe next time. 

“Text me so I know you got home okay?” Steve asked at the door, and Bucky nodded, and kissed him good-night. And pried himself away. And practically floated home, he was that happy.

 

 

_Dear Steve,_

_Here's the promised e-mail – thank you for being patient with me. It's easier to type on a real keyboard :)_

_I stopped speaking when I was seven. I experienced something really, really horrific, and stopped talking. I do not discuss it. **This is non-negotiable**. Do not ask me anything about it. And no, I don't make any sounds at all, and I haven't since that experience. _ Ever _._

_Becoming electively mute is actually a pretty common response to trauma, but for a couple reasons, I never got any help with what I experienced. (Well, not at the time. I've been in therapy for a long time now, and will maybe keep it up forever? I don't know. I'm doing a lot better than I was.) The problem is, if you go long enough without speaking, you can't really start up again. I've been to a lot of speech therapists, and there's nothing physically seriously wrong with me, but I'm not going to speak again, ever. And I kind of like it that way. I'm comfortable like this. I've tried to talk, actually – I really have! But it doesn't work. It's just one of those things._

_I'm sorry you'll never hear me gasp when you kiss me, or hear me moan. Or hear me say your name. But I'll find other ways to make you happy, okay? That's a promise._

_You should know, too – my left arm is kind of messed up after a really bad bike accident a few years ago. It's not as strong as my right, and it's pretty badly scarred up, and looks a little weird. I'm not really bothered by it, but I don't want to shock you, since you've only seen me in long-sleeved shirts. Also, I might need a little help moving stuff from time to time, and that's why._

_I hope this all isn't too dramatic or anything, but it's stuff you should know about me. I'm used to being mute, and it affects my life, but I don't care. I'm happy with who I am. But it's going to affect you, too. I care about you a lot, Steve – I haven't even known you that long! I want you to be happy, and I'll work with you to make sure we're both okay. I'm proud of what I've survived, and, to some extent, I need you to be okay with all of who I am. But I'm always here to help with that._

_xoxo_

_Bucky_

 

_Dear Bucky,_

_Wow. Oh my God. I am so, so sorry you had to witness what you did, sweetheart._

_(I promise I won't mention it again, but I_ really _had to say that. I have a lot more I could say, if you ever want to talk. It's okay if you don't, though.)_

_I'm really proud of everything you've survived too. And I'm happy about us._ You _make me happy, Bucky. I don't need to hear you say my name, or anything like that, not the way your face lights up when we see each other. Holy shit, your face – I can't believe I can make another person look like that. So see, it's okay._

_That's what I want to tell you, over and over. It's_ okay _. I don't know what your past boyfriends/girlfriends have been like, but I really am good at taking people as they come. I'm a hotheaded shitheel with a martyr complex and a little too much self-obsession, but I will never want you to be anything other than who you are. It's okay. I accept you, I like you, fuck, I think you're the bee's knees. You not talking doesn't change that. You having a messed-up arm doesn't change that._

_(I'm so sorry you got hurt, sweetheart. I'm glad it doesn't fuck with your life too much. I'm very good at lifting heavy shit if you ever need help :) )_

_I guess you noticed I'm kind of defensive about my hearing aid. I think I take a really different approach to disability than you do. I_ know _I have disabilities – I'm half-deaf, and half-blind too for that matter. I was born with scoliosis and heart problems, and I've got anemia, asthma and a dodgy tummy. I feel like I fought for so long to be something_ other _than the sickly runt, I never got out of the habit. I don't like calling attention to these things. I'm sorry. That's why I never learned sign language, I guess. This is just how I am though, and I need you to be okay with that. Can you be? I really hope so, because fuck, I_ really _like you._

_xo,_

_Steve_

 

 

_Stevie,_

_Thanks. I'm sorry I got hurt too. I'm lucky to have as much strength and range of movement as I do._

_I will work at being okay with your approach to your disabilities – that's all I can promise you. God, what an overwrought sentence that is! It's not a huge huge deal to me, okay? It's a thing, but it's way the fuck down the list. I have a little trouble with it, but it's not a dealbreaker._

_(Reading this over, it occurs to me that I'm kind of a self-righteous prick sometimes. Sorry?)_

_You make me happy too, Steve._

_Hugs and kisses,_

_Bucky_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eh, here, have some porn.
> 
> By the way, it's hopefully clear from context, but _italics are for written or typed communication_ and  underlined communication is signed.

“Hey sweetheart!” Steve stood up and hugged Bucky tightly. “Hi,” he said again, softer and sweeter, and Bucky kissed him, just a little peck to let Steve know that _yes_ he was disgustingly adorable, now sit down and help me eat this brownie that is actually the size of my head.

Steve graciously helped with the brownie, in between making eyes at him. And, all right, Bucky was making eyes right back and they were so gross and it was totally worth it because, well, _look at him_. Steve was so _pretty_. And who cared if Clint made gagging gestures from behind the counter every time he caught Bucky's eye. _Clint_ was not getting stupid looks from the hottest man alive.

“I made you something,” Steve said, after the sweetie was safely finished, and handed Bucky a stiff piece of paper.

Bucky turned it over and clapped in glee. Steve had drawn Captain America and the Winter Soldier in full color, in the uniforms Bucky had designed. They were standing casually, arms around each others' shoulders. _They're perfect!_ Bucky typed, and leaned over to kiss Steve's cheek. Thank you

You're welcome Steve signed carefully. “They're really fun to draw,” he admitted. “I think I found my new warm-up sketching.”

Bucky mock-cheered, and carefully stowed the picture in his bag. It  was going to go straight up onto his wall when he got home.  Brownie and art sorted out, t hey settled into their usual  afternoon work.

Bucky totally considered sneaking looks at Steve work. It was resting his eyes from his computer screen. And the way Steve brushed his hand across Bucky's shoulders, when he got up for a refill? Also work. The way Bucky leaned into his touch was so completely the definition of work, it wasn't even funny.

_ Wanna come over for dinner after we're done here? _ Bucky typed, and showed his phone to Steve, when he looked up from his tablet.

“Yeah, thanks!” Steve's smile was sort of dizzying. “Just what I need to keep me going.”

_ What are you working on? _

“ A landscape a friend of a friend commissioned. It's boring,” Steve admitted, “but it pays the bills. And I've got some latitude to be creative, so I'm basically just pretending to be David Hockney, but infinitely cheaper. How about you?”

_Just a weird little Gothic story. I'm kinda hoping The Hairpin'll pick it up or something like that._

“Dude, that would be amazing! Have they bought your stuff before?”

Bucky nodded, unable to help a grin. Writing would never pay the bills, but he wasn't bad at it either.

“That's fantastic, Bucky.” Steve looked _proud_ and this was just so dumb, all of it, and so happy.  It was just a hormone rush or something, but oh _God_ it was fun.

They packed up at their usual time and left the warm little shop, Bucky slipping his hand into Steve's and lacing their fingers together. Steve smiled and leaned over a little to kiss his temple. 

It was a short, quiet walk back to Bucky's, but the silence between them was comfortable, Steve running his thumb over Bucky's knuckles and tracing patterns on the back of his hand.

Bucky's studio apartment was tiny and messy, but he maintained that it was welcoming and he had gotten pretty good at keeping the majority of his wardrobe somewhere other than the floor. Besides, who cared that his bed had literally never been properly made?

He let them in and got them each a beer from the fridge, Steve clinking their bottles together.

_What do you want? My kitchen's pretty well-stocked._ Bucky asked, swapping to his iPad.

“If I say 'you', will you throw me out?” Steve asked innocently.

_Oh my God, who told you you had game?_ Bucky typed, and then gently rested his head on the nearest surface.

“Excuse _me_ , who got invited over for dinner? That's right. Game.” Steve paused. “Also nobody. Like, ever. Complete opposite, actually.”

_You should listen to them_ Bucky typed, still hiding from the dorky horror he had invited home.

“Pfft, where's the fun in that?” Steve ran his fingers down Bucky's back. “So?”

Bucky looked up and quirked an eyebrow.

“Can I have you for dinner?”

That got Steve a little smack in the chest, which also conveniently served to bring Bucky within arm's-length. Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky's shoulders, and pulled him close. “Is it okay if I kiss you?” he asked softly.

Bucky nodded, already going loose in Steve's arms. The kiss was tender, drawn-out, Steve slow to open his mouth, slow to  lick into Bucky's mouth. He telegraphed his every move, not really going for it until Bucky nodded.

Bucky kissed back with everything he had, his arms tight around Steve's waist, breathing a little harder when Steve moaned. He dropped one hand to cup around Steve's ass, slow and giving him plenty of time to tell Bucky no.

Steve nodded, and Bucky squeezed, then rocked them together. And almost fell over when he could feel how hard Steve was already,  _multiple_ layers of cloth doing nothing to dull how it felt when their cocks rubbed together.

“Oh, fuck, oh, yes,” Steve breathed and rolled his hips again. “God, yes.”

Bucky kissed him again, openmouthed and messy and started to push Steve back, steering him around a pile of books, then a pile of sweaters he was halfway through sorting, then finally, finally his bed.

Steve was giggling when Bucky gave him a good shove and he landed with a bounce. “C'mere,” he wheedled, holding out his hands and wiggling his fingers.

Bucky crossed his arms, grinned, and shook his head no.

“Awww! Please?”

Another headshake, but he  _knew_ he was going red from trying not to laugh at Steve.

“Oooh, I see your plan now,” Steve said, sitting up and scootching to the edge of the bed so that Bucky stood between his legs. “I knew you were sneaky.” He looked up, face-to-crotch with Bucky, and rested a hand on Bucky's hip. “Okay?” he asked softly, and Bucky shuddered a little and nodded.

Steve wrapped his other hand around Bucky's opposite thigh, and squeezed. 

Bucky gave a little shudder, looking down at Steve, but didn't have time to think much, when it was only moments later that Steve was nosing the front of Bucky's jeans, breath hot through the thick fabric. He mouthed Bucky's cock, then turned his head, rubbing his cheek against it, and Bucky's knees really did give out.

Steve caught him, laughing softly, and laid Bucky out on the bed, crawling on top of him and kissing him. “Mmm. Little slower?” he asked, and Bucky thought a moment, then nodded.

“Okay, sweetheart,” Steve murmured, and kissed him again. “My phone's in my back pocket, if you need to type.”

Bucky smiled and hugged Steve tightly, just for a moment.

“How have you done this before?” Steve asked, rolling over so they could hold each other without Bucky getting squashed. “I don't feel right just relying on you, like, pushing me away if I do something you don't like.”

Bucky nodded, and snuggled close a moment, kissing Steve's shoulder.  Yeah, he'd found one of the good ones. He wriggled away a little and signed  stop , checking that Steve understood, then tapped his shoulder twice.

Steve nodded. “Just shoulder, or two taps anywhere?”

Bucky tapped his hip twice, and Steve smiled. “Good. Thank you.” 

Bucky smiled, and signed  thank YOU ,  pressing the backs of his fingers  into Steve's chest.

“Don't you dare thank me for treating you like a person,” Steve said, and curled his fingers underneath Bucky's, raising his hand to kiss the knuckles. 

Bucky breathed in quick, and rolled over to land on top of Steve and kiss him properly. He smiled against Steve's mouth, hearing him laugh, and wriggled until Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky, cupping his bottom in his hands.

Bucky breathed out slow and easy, melting into Steve, and into Steve's kisses, easy and sweet.  They had all night; no need to get frantic. No need to spend this time doing anything but learning what Steve liked best.

K issing Steve's throat got him a happy little sound, but when he nibbled on Steve's ear, he  _moaned_ , full-on, and Bucky grinned with glee and dove in, licking and kissing the shell of first one ear, then the other, careful of Steve's hearing aid but not particularly changing what he did, and thereby rendering Steve pretty much useless.

“Oh, Christ, Bucky, yeah, yeah...” Steve encouraged him, spread his legs so that Bucky could settle down contentedly. “Oh, that's good.”

Bucky smiled, and pushed himself up so he could frame Steve's face with his hands, then go in for another kiss.

“What do you like?” Steve asked softly, and squeezed Bucky's ass.

Bucky shrugged – it was nice, but he wasn't too into ass-anything.

“Oh, I can do better than that,” Steve said, and kissed Bucky's collarbone, the little bit that showed through his shirt. “God, you're gorgeous. What can I do to make you happy, sweetheart?”

Bucky definitely did not blush. He was a damned adult, and could answer Steve's question. And he knew he was attractive. Honest.

He kissed Steve and shifted so that he straddled Steve's waist and could sit up and pull off his shirt, glad for a moment that he'd forewarned about his arm. It really did look rough. Bare-chested, he took one of Steve's hands and pressed the fingers to his nipple, and leaned into it.

“Oh-ho. A tit man,” Steve teased, and shifted his hand to rub his thumb over the small nub, smiling when Bucky's head tipped back and he leaned into the touch. “Oh. Oh, that's wonderful, darling.”

Bucky mock-glared at him for the 'darling', but then Steve sat up and ducked his head and stuck his tongue out to lick with just the very tip, the slightest of touches, and it was like there was a direct connection between Bucky's chest and his dick, and he arched into the touch, begging for more.

Steve made a very pleased sound, and wrapped one strong arm around Bucky's waist,  keeping him close. He bent his head to lick and kiss at one nipple, rubbing his thumb over the other, the different sensations sending sparks through Bucky's body.

S teve quickly worked out just how long to keep something up, before varying his touch, the new sensations causing Bucky to jerk, tangle his hands in Steve's hair, or push into the touch more, greedy for it.

Steve kept Bucky upright, but otherwise took him apart completely, to the point where Bucky tapped him quickly on the shoulder, using every bit of his willpower to stop Steve, who had discovered that raking his teeth across Bucky's nipples made him snap his hips.

“Too much?” Steve asked, loosening his hold, and Bucky shook his head, pressing close and reaching for a kiss. Not too much – rather, just right, but Bucky didn't fancy coming right then and there.

He slipped Steve's phone from his pocket while they were kissing, and flipped open a notepad program.  _yr amazing. don't wanna come yet tho too much fun still!_

Steve laughed when he read it, and kissed Bucky's cheek. “Awww, but I got so close,” he pouted, and nuzzled a little at Bucky's throat. “Wanna make you come. Over 'n' over, so hard you see stars.”

Bucky went limp in Steve's arms.

Well. Most of him went limp.

“I wanna see what you look like.” Steve laid him on the bed, sprawled across his rumpled comforter. “Wanna see your face when I suck you off.”

In a last-ditch attempt at equality, Bucky grabbed at Steve's shirt, pulling it off and  _holy fucking shit_ Steve was an actual deity. He had never been so close to muscles like that. How. How was this a real person.

Steve kept kissing his way down Bucky's body like it was precious and magical and oh God. 

Steve was undoing Bucky's zipper with his teeth.

Bucky smacked his palm into his forehead, loud enough for Steve to notice and look up just in time to see Bucky cracking up.

“ _What_? That's my best trick!” he protested, and Bucky just laughed harder, not caring that he looked so utterly stupid. In lieu of making sounds when he laughed, he turned bright red and looked like a total loser.

“Oh my _God_ ,” Steve groaned, but he started laughing too, and Bucky pulled him down beside him. _YOU ARE AMAZING_ he carefully traced out onto Steve's chest.

“I know when I'm being condescended to, you know,” Steve informed him with great dignity, crossing his arms over his chest.

Bucky grinned and wiped his eyes – he'd laughed so hard he'd  _cried_ – and rested his hand on Steve's chest, very clearly admiring what was in front of him.

“Everyone just wants me for my body,” Steve declared, voice full of mock-hurt, and Bucky nodded enthusiastically.

“I thought you were different,” Steve said, looking at Bucky mournfully.

Bucky shook his head.

“Fine.” A _huge_ sigh. “I _guess_ we'll just have tons and tons of hot sex and I'll lick every inch of your  body and let you do whatever you want to me if it means I can have that gorgeous body up against mine.”

Bucky pouted out his lower lip and knuckled his eyes, clearly calling Steve a crybaby.

“My life is _so rough_ , my mindbendingly hot boyfriend just wants me to make him come. Over and over.”

Bucky shuddered a little, and let his hand drop to the front of his jeans, and popped the button. His briefs still left most things to the imagination, but the bulge there made what Steve's words were doing to him obvious.

“ _Oh_ ,” Steve sighed, and reached over to palm Bucky's cock, rubbing against the soft fabric. “Oh, yes, please?”

Yes, yes, but you first, you disgustingly perfect man, Bucky did not say. He was pretty sure he was beyond language at this point anyway, pressing into Steve's touch, moving carefully so Steve wouldn't notice him shift, rocking his hips and shifting all his weight to one arm...

And watching Steve  yelp when Bucky slid his hand under the waistband of his jeans, down his belly to wrap around his cock, hard and straining and wonderful, was all worth it.

Steve got out of the rest of his clothes in record time . 

Steve below the waist was just as beautiful as Steve above the waist: long, muscled legs, a tiny waist, even his feet were nicely-made. He was cut, just about average,  and his cock curved so beautifully up, deep red already, and Bucky licked his lips.

“Please?” Steve asked again, and his voice made a soft breaking sound when Bucky trailed his fingertips along the underside, and then traced the ridge around the head. _“Please_.”

Bucky kissed  his thigh and dove for his bedside table, scrambling for a condom and rolling it on quickly.

He took a moment then to crawl up Steve's body and kiss him, soft and sweet.

“Hey there,” Steve murmured, and held his gaze, clear-eyed and smiling. Right. This was something they both wanted, and Bucky settled between his legs.

He took his time, licking Steve's cock from root to tip, nuzzling the base, sucking on just the tip, and enjoying the hell out of the way Steve squirmed underneath him. Bucky petted his hip, soothed him, and looked up so he could watch Steve finally tip over the edge, moaning quietly, his hand woven through Bucky's hair.

He took care of the condom, and crawled over Steve to kiss him back to himself, gentling him down.

“That was not fair,” Steve said, and pinched Bucky's side. “I was gonna do you first.”

Bucky stuck out his tongue.

“So mature,” Steve said, and tried to bite Bucky's tongue. He dodged, laughing silently, and Steve grunted his disapproval, poking Bucky in the stomach.

Bucky curled over, obviously giggling, and Steve grabbed him around the waist, hugging him close, moving so that Bucky's back was to Steve's chest.

“Super mature,” Steve repeated, and pinched Bucky's nipples.

Bucky leaned into the touch, and felt Steve smile against his neck. Okay, so he was easy.

“Can I undress you?” Steve asked, in between kisses, and Bucky nodded hard. Aside from the arm, his body was, well, in pretty good shape. And Steve hadn't seemed to even _notice_ all the scarring, or if he did, he hadn't let on.

Bucky stretched, moving to help Steve get his clothes off, and just for the pleasure of moving, rubbing against the soft fabric on the bed, against Steve, blissful and safe.

“Oooh. You didn't say you were uncut,” Steve said, and turned Bucky's head for a kiss, his hand slowly, _way_ too slowly, starting to stroke.

Bucky nodded, pressing up into Steve's touch. He felt a little like he was drowning, Steve still kissing deeply, Steve's hand on him, Steve warm at his back. It wasn't too much, but it was just on the edge.

“I've got you, honey,” Steve murmured. “Oh, sweetheart, gonna make you _so_ happy. Gonna make you see stars, it'll feel so good.”

Bucky breathed harder, fighting between leaning into Steve's hand on his chest, and the other one on his cock.

“Shh, now. Gentle, Bucky. Nice and easy,” Steve murmured, his hand moving only a tiny bit faster. He slipped the foreskin back, and touched his thumb to the head of Bucky's cock, touching far too lightly, and it felt like Bucky's nerves lit on fire.

He jerked his hips, tried to get Steve to rub harder, but the bastard just laughed. Because he was an asshole. Who had already come, whereas Bucky was just _lying_ here, actually going insane from wanting and being turned on and what the hell was Steve doing now?

Oh. _Oh_. Steve was laying Bucky down. Steve was _fussing with a pillow_ _under Bucky's head_ what the fuck?

Steve was lying between his legs. Steve was shifting them so that his shoulders were under Bucky's knees.

Steve buried his face between Bucky's legs, and licked the hidden place behind his balls, pressing hard with his tongue and Bucky put all of his effort into not jerking his hips up, because that would mean Steve wasn't pressed against him, doing the most _amazing_ things with his mouth.

At Steve's quiet request, Bucky slid a condom on himself, already shaking. There was no way he was gonna last long, and he didn't. Steve barely had his mouth on Bucky when he looked up through his eyelashes, closed his eyes and _moaned_ , and that was that.

When the lightning storm that was sparking through his body passed, Bucky felt heavy and warm. Immensely grateful to Steve for taking care of the condom. Even more grateful to him for pulling up the comforter and climbing under it with Bucky. Still more grateful for the way he was quiet, petting Bucky's hair and cuddling him close as he caught his breath.

“Good?” Steve asked, and laughed when Bucky shot him a dirty look. “Hah. Yeah. For me too,” he said, and Bucky smiled and gently knocked their foreheads together.

“Yeah,” Steve said softly, and leaned in for a kiss, which turned into more. Steve, it seemed, couldn't get enough of tasting Bucky, of trailing his mouth down jaw and neck and shoulders.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he murmured, coming to Bucky's left arm, and Steve kissed the highest scar tenderly, then followed the line of it with his mouth. When he moved to the next one, though, Bucky tapped him twice on the shoulder.

Steve stopped at once and looked up. “Oh my God, am I hurting you? Bucky, I'm so sorry.”

Bucky shook his head and bit his lip. He rolled over a groped for something to write with – well, there was Steve's phone, close enough.

_Didn't hurt me. But please don't single my arm out. I don't like the scars, and I don't like calling attention to it, would rather you just treat it like the other one._

Steve frowned, and gave Bucky a long look, but nodded. “Of course. I'm sorry, honey. I won't do it again.”

Bucky rested his hand on Steve's cheek and kissed him. _You didn't know! It's okay, I'm not upset or anything. Just...you know. For the future?_

“For the future,” Steve echoed, and grinned. “So you wanna do this again?"

Bucky did not even dignify Steve's question with a reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honest, there's gonna be a plot here eventually. I promise?
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, we learn that Steve is terrible at setting his own boundaries, and this occurs in a light bondage scenario. There's no lasting harm, but some readers may find this disturbing.

_**sgrogers_personal:** Hey gorgeous – you got a minute?_

Bucky smiled at the chat notification, and switched windows.

_**Buckyball:** For you? ehhh, what's it worth to me? ;)_

__**sgrogers_personal:**_ Ooooh, someone took their smartass pill this morning._

__**Buckyball:**_ Every day, without fail. What's up, Steve?_

__**sgrogers_personal:**_ How do you feel about writing a comic? Captain America and the Winter Soldier, to be specific._

__**Buckyball:**_ Seriously?_

__**sgrogers_personal:**_ Seriously! It would just be publishing online, for fun, maybe a zine, that kind of thing, but Bucky, I _ really _like drawing these two, and I have some ideas for storylines, and you're an amazing writer (I may have stalked you online sorry not sorry). It would just be casual for fun stuff, I promise._

__**Buckyball:**_ Can they have sex?_

__**sgrogers_personal:**_ THAT is your first question?_

__**Buckyball:**_ I have priorities, Steven._

__**sgrogers_personal:**_ Yes. Yes they can have sex. _

__**Buckyball:**_ I'm in!_

__**sgrogers_personal:**_ Oh my God._

 

“Oh my God.” Steve moaned, pulling hard against the soft silk around his wrists, binding him to his bed. “Oh my God, Bucky.”

Bucky grinned, and ran a single fingertip down Steve's chest, down his belly, to within a hairsbreadth of the tip of his cock.

“Please. Please, please,” Steve said, the muscles in his arms bunching, then relaxing as he pulled against his bonds. “Oh, God, please...”

Bucky bent over and licked the head of Steve's cock, precise little touches of his tongue.  _Only_ the head.

Steve moaned, and Bucky wrapped his hand around his own cock, then tapped Steve's shoulder once, his signal for  _look at me_ .

Steve opened his eyes and blinked, looking a little cloudy for a moment. Bucky frowned  at that – Steve did not usually look that way .  Color he signed, and Steve hesitated.

Bucky sat patiently, but tapped Steve's chest. Color, or we stop playing, was obvious.

“Yellow,” Steve whispered, and looked down. “It's just...intense. I know that's the point but it's not...good intense?”

Bucky nodded, and wrapped himself around Steve, kissing  him softly, tender little kisses laid on his mouth, his cheeks, the corner of each eye.

Steve held himself stiffly for a moment, but relaxed into the touches. He shook his head hard when Bucky went to free his hands. “No! No, that feels...really good. Please, Buck?”

Bucky smiled and nodded, and decided it was time for real communication.

_You're doing so so well, Stevie. It_ was _intense, and I'm sorry I escalated so quickly._

“No!” Steve protested. “This isn't your fault at all, Bucky. I'm the loser that couldn't deal with a little teasing.”

Okay, yeah, that was _not_ good. Bucky reached up and yanked on the soft silk scarves, the highwayman's knot coming undone immediately. He pulled Steve's hands down and shifted so they sat next to each other, and Steve could read over his shoulder. Signs and kisses weren't going to cover this.

_RED._

_YOU ARE NOT A LOSER AND TAPPING OUT IS NOT WEAKNESS. if you have a problem with this, Steve, we need to talk. A lot. You said you'd played before and I trusted you to understand what that meant! YOU ARE NOT WEAK._

Steve flushed and looked away. “I'm sorry,” he said stiffly.

Bucky touched his shoulder, then kissed where his fingers had been. _Darling, this worries me. I need to know we're safe to play. I can't stand the thought of accidentally hurting you, and that's what will happen if you're afraid to be honest._

Steve took a deep breath, reading over Bucky's shoulder. “It's...not that?” He leaned his head against Bucky's. “Can I go take a shower, get my head together? I...you're right. About all of it.”

Bucky nodded, and kissed Steve's cheek. _Of course, if you need the time and space. I'll grab us some water and something to eat, okay? And Steve, this isn't the end of the world. We just need to clarify a little._

They slipped apart, Bucky throwing on Steve's robe to go raid the kitchen. (Steve's housemates were awesome, but Naked Boyfriend Wandering Around was probably a lot to ask of anyone.) He grabbed water, hummus, and the nice bread they'd been saving for dinner.

Steve took his time in the shower, but he _always_ took his time in the shower, so Bucky wasn't too worried as he sat on the bed, iPad cleared and ready, and breathed to steady himself. Fuck, everything had been so nice, Steve _loved_ being tied up, even this light beginner bondage, and Bucky had been planning to come all over his chest...

Next time, he reminded himself firmly. Making sure Steve felt safe and cared-for and comfortable with setting boundaries was a thousand times more important than his lover tied to the bed, wrecked and a mess and...

Goddammit.

 

He'd gathered himself by the time Steve came back, skin warm and damp from the shower and eyes red-rimmed, but calm and clear. Bucky smiled, just a little sadly, and held his arms out.

“I'm sorry,” Steve said against Bucky's shoulder, having pretty much dived into the embrace. “I'm so sorry. Thank you for stopping.”

Bucky pressed little kisses to Steve's face and hair. Gently, he pushed Steve back and settled them both against the pillows, and made Steve eat and drink. And himself, too.

_You understand why I redded out?_

Steve nodded. “Totally. Hey. Are  _you_ okay?” he asked, frowning and reaching for Bucky. “ T his is hard on you too...”

_I'm okay, but thank you. We can take care of me later. Maybe shower together? Please?_

“I think I can make that sacrifice,” Steve said, curling a little closer. “Hey. I owe you...an explanation,” he said carefully. “Not an excuse, just.” He groaned. “Fuck. Promise me you'll tie me up again?"

Bucky laughed silently, and gave Steve a little nudge.  _Promise_ .  _Talk to me, Stevie._

“I really fucked up. I'm sorry. I _know_ that renegotiating or stopping a scene isn't a sign of weakness. Technically, I know this.” Steve rubbed his eyes. “Actually, though, I still got something to prove. I hate giving up, and I hate admitting that something's too much for me. So much has been too much for me, y'know?”

Bucky nodded, and pointed to his mouth, then mimed zipping it shut.

“Yeah, you know,” Steve said softly. “Can I kiss you? I'll keep talking in a minute. I want to kiss you, though.”

Bucky nodded, and let himself melt into the kiss, the way Steve's hands came up to cradle his head, the way Steve was so desperate and so careful all at once. It was so good, this connection.

Bucky smiled when Steve finally pulled away, and chased him back down for a tiny additional kiss.

“Thanks,” Steve said, and Bucky nodded. He got it. He'd been mute for twenty years, and hadn't lacked for lovers. Some of them had been like Steve – just needed to touch him, at least _try_ to soothe the thing that could never be soothed. Needed to be some kind of good, some kind of caring, some kind of love, and Bucky had never said no.

“So, yeah. I'm sorry. This is something where I swear I'm so much better than I used to be, but...fuck. This is also who I am. I don't back down.” Steve smiled a little. “May I remind you how we met?”

_Ha, good point. And that's fair, but that also means that I don't feel safe doing a BDSM scene with you. I_ want _to tie you up – Sweet Jesus, you have no idea how much I want to get my ropes on you – but I can't hurt you. I_ can't _._

Steve nodded, and rested his chin on Bucky's shoulder. “And I can't make you a promise I'm not sure I can keep,” he said, and buried his face in warm skin, just for a moment. “I want to be the man you need, Bucky.”

_Hey, hey, drama boy!_ Bucky poked Steve hard in the side, to get him to look up and read.  _Calm. Calm, Steve. You're a fine man. More than fine, actually. We'll make this work, I promise. I'm not going to kick you to the curb over this!_

“I know,” Steve said, but he also pressed a little closer to Bucky.

_Oh, Steve. Don't be scared about that, please? I care about you so much. I'm sorry I can't tell you, but I'll write it to you over and over._

“God, you're mushy,” Steve muttered. “Don't gotta tell me, Buck. I know.”

Bucky gave him a pinch –  _who_ exactly was the master of 'sweetheart' this and 'darling' that? Not Bucky. – and a kiss.

_Look, I've got a few ideas, but can we plan another time? I'm ok with a quiet night if you are._

“Yeah,” Steve agreed. “You ready for that shower together, baby?”

Bucky hesitated, and started typing.  _Will you be upset if I'd rather shower by myself? I need you nearby but not crowding me, if that makes sense. We can have a little cuddle before bed if you want._

“Not if you don't want,” Steve said firmly. “I'm good, Bucky. No sub-drop here. It's all about you.”

Bucky bit his lip.  _Then can we just hang out, without cuddling? I still want to spend the night, and I really do need you nearby, but I kinda need space to breathe. I don't feel great, to be honest, and this will help._

“Honey, if it helps you, that's what we're doing,” Steve said. “Wanna just watch TV? We can put it on my laptop between us or something, so you get some space.”

Bucky nodded, his head feeling thick. Shower. Get into bed. No one touching him, room to breathe. _ok if I stop typing unless it's really important?_

“Bucky, of course,” Steve said. “ASL, or just be quiet totally if you need it. Anything you need.”

Bucky smiled a little, and set the iPad aside, trying not to sigh in relief. He took his time in the shower – sorry Steve's house-mates – and felt a little better, the hot water scouring him clean, leaving him feeling a little lighter. Like he could catch his breath.

Steve had his laptop set up in the center of his bed and was already under the duvet. He nodded at Bucky when he came in, but otherwise let him be, much to Bucky's relief.

He curled up under the big blanket, and was asleep before the episode of Community was even half-over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it helps, I have no idea what happened in this chapter either. But God, I'm curious :)
> 
> Your comments and kudos mean so much. I know writers alllllways say that, but it's still true.
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com


	6. Chapter 6

Bucky woke up slow and easy, snuggled under warm blankets and with the smell of coffee. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and turned over, secretly a little glad he was alone in the bed. There was a mug on the bedside table, still gently steaming, with a post-it note stuck to it. _Good morning :)_ _I'm making breakfast in the kitchen, text me if you need me, or want to eat in the bedroom. xx Steve_

Oh. Oh, yeah, he had one of the good ones.

He grabbed the mug and helped himself to one of Steve's hoodies – pleasingly oversized and smelling just a touch like Steve's shampoo – and went into the kitchen.

Steve was at the stove making pancakes, and Sam sat at the table, digging in to the first stack.

“Hey Bucky,” Steve said, and leaned over to kiss him good morning. “Pancakes?”

In reply, Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve's waist and snuggled into his back.

“Coming right up,” Steve promised, while Sam made gagging noises.

“I did not sign on for this level of cuteness,” he complained, and Bucky flashed him a grin over his shoulder. And started humping Steve.

“Oh, for fuck's sake!” Sure, Steve gave him a little smack, but Sam practically fell over laughing, so Bucky decided it was a good start to the day. He kissed Steve's cheek to sweeten him back up, and sat at the table.

A stack of pancakes arrived soon after, signaling that all was forgiven, and Bucky wolfed them down, a little surprised at how hungry he was.

“Here,” Steve said, handing him a fresh plate, and Bucky shook his head. you first he signed, and glared at Steve until he sat down and ate. (And crossed his arms when Steve tried to give him a bite. First of all, that was Steve's breakfast, second of all, ew. He had _standards_.)

Sam took over pancake-making, presenting Steve and Bucky with another stack each in short order, bowing a little when Bucky signed thank you!

“My pleasure. D'you mind cleaning up? I gotta run into work for a few hours.

No! [It's] ok, you go. Bucky glanced at Steve to make sure he'd gotten the gist of it – Sam was mostly fluent, but Steve's class hadn't started yet

Steve nodded, and waved Sam  towards the door. “We've go t it. Thanks for taking over cooking.”

“No problem. You guys have a good day,” Sam said as he filled a travel mug. “Bye Bucky. See you again soon?”

Bucky grinned and nodded. All of Steve's housemates were nice, but Sam was...Sam was  like  the best of Bucky's therapists, and a good friend to Steve on top of that. He was an easy person to like.

“Hey,” Steve said softly, once the door had closed behind Sam. “You okay?”

Bucky nodded instinctively – he had coffee and pancakes after all – then paused to think for a moment. He raised a hand and wobbled it back and forth.

“What can I do?” Steve asked, and Bucky abandoned the last of his breakfast to crawl into Steve's lap, straddling his legs and sitting on his thighs. He wrapped his arms around Steve's neck and kissed him for all he was worth.

“I have absolutely no problem helping you as much as possible, if that's what you need,” Steve said, looking a little dazed. He laughed when Bucky swatted him,  and leaned their foreheads together . “Oh, honey.”

Bucky petted Steve  a little , and kissed  him . They could wash up in a moment.  Right now, this was more important.

“I'm not kidding,” Steve said. “I don't know how to make this better. But I want to.”

Bucky shook his head, and turned around, groping for Steve's phone.  _ I know. it'll take a little time is all. ok to spend a few hours together? I want to be near you. _

“I wanna be near you too,” Steve  said, and pulled Bucky a little bit closer. “ I am so, so sorry about last night.” He squirmed when Bucky pinched him. “I know we gotta talk,  but...”

Bucky shook his head, and then rested it on Steve's shoulder. Talking was for later. Right now was for closing his eyes and relaxing, feeling how sweet it was to have Steve holding him and rubbing his back. Bucky breathed deeply, and let the heavy, hard feeling inside of him ease a little.

“Oh, honey,” Steve murmured,  but went quiet, letting Bucky settle.  The apartment was nearly silent – the advantage of a rear set of rooms and housemates who worked early mornings – and the quiet wrapped around Bucky, soft and soothing.

He finally stirred, a little bit guilty – he was heavier than he looked, and Steve had been holding all of his weight. But Steve just smiled, and leaned in for a kiss.

Bucky returned it with a longer kiss, one that he hoped said he was a little better, that things between them were better, and that he appreciated Steve more than he could say.

“ The sofa's  more comfortable than it looks,” Steve offered, and Bucky nodded.  _ what, you don't love being pinned down by my bony ass? _

Steve laughed and gave Bucky's ass a healthy squeeze. “I  _ love _ being pinned down by your ass. But I can do it in more comfort elsewhere.” He wrapped his arms around Bucky, cupped his bum in his hands, and carefully stood up, grinning when Bucky grabbed hold of his shoulders and wrapped his legs around Steve's waist.

Bucky had intended to slide down, honest. But then Steve started carefully walking into the living room, Bucky still clinging to him like the world's largest koala, and what, like he was gonna  _ let _ _ go _ while being manhandled by the hottest guy in the world?

Steve must have felt the reaction he was raising, the way he grinned and paused in the middle of the living room. “Back to bed?” he asked softly, and Bucky wrapped his legs a little tighter in reply. And kissed Steve, open-mouthed and filthy. And nodded hard, just in case he hadn't fully communicated  his response  yet.

Steve chuckled and kept walking to the end of the corridor,  still balancing Bucky against him. He sidled them into the room and kicked the door shut, and Bucky finally took pity, his legs down and grinding against Steve, already reaching for him with open mouth and  _ hunger _ .

Steve groaned and squeezed Bucky's ass hard, pressing them together.

In the end, they didn't even make it to the bed, shucking clothes off right in front of the door, frantic hands and mouths. Bucky was groping, kissing, sucking up a mark on Steve's neck like he hadn't done since high school just to hear the high gasping sounds Steve made. They were rolling around on the floor, battling-but-not to be on top, until Steve won.

Bucky flung his head back as he rutted against Steve, all abandon and sweat-slick, and Steve heavy on him, cock hard and rubbing against Bucky's until Bucky had the presence of mine to reach between them, wrapping his hand around them both and  twisting his wrist. He found that if he did that and bit down on Steve's shoulder at the same time, Steve made  _ amazing _ noises and almost forgot to hold up most of his weight.

Neither of them lasted long, Bucky first, the tension building until his hips were rolling, pressing into Steve for any kind of friction, and then he fell, fast and hard and, from the sounds of it, took Steve with him.

They caught their breath, lying there on Steve's wooden floor, clothes scattered around them.

“Your face,” Steve finally said, and rolled them over so that Bucky sprawled on top of him. “God, your face, when you come. It's...it's more than art,” he tried to explain, a fingertip tracing the line of Bucky's cheekbone. “It's something amazing,” he finally said, very softly. “And I am so lucky, every time I see it.”

Bucky shook his head and smiled – dramatic boy – and leaned over to kiss Steve until he was calm and happy and not writing poetry to Bucky's O-face.

“I'm a mess,” Steve said, making a face when he looked down at himself. There was come smeared across his belly, and Bucky nodded, agreeing happily.

“O-ho,” Steve said. “So that's a kink for you, then.” He grinned wickedly, and leaned over, biting a little at Bucky's lower lip. “You like me like this,” he murmured. “Sticky and messy. Next time I jack off, I'll have to be sure to come all over myself. Take a picture and send it to you.”

Bucky closed his eyes, and he was pretty sure his cock jumped. He pinched Steve's hip, hard, in retaliation, but the asshole just laughed.

“This is amazing,” Steve said, clearly delighted. “And it's got to be me, doesn't it?” he asked. “You being just as much of a mess doesn't do anything for you.”

Bucky shrugged. He just didn't care.

“Oh. Well. Then I should clean you off,” Steve cooed, and leaned over and started lapping at Bucky's stomach.

Bucky's hands spasmed,  and he bit down hard on the inside of his mouth, tasting a little blood even. Fuck. Fuck, that was beautiful. His cock was pretty well spent, but he could appreciate the aesthetics of Steve's golden head bent over, his tongue lapping at Bucky's stomach so slow and easy. Oh, this was something to remember.

Steve finished and laid his head on Bucky's stomach, gazing up at him. “Was that good?” he asked, his voice gone rough and low.

Bucky nodded hard, and caressed Steve's face. Oh.  _ This _ was the dynamic they needed. Or at least the beginning of it. 

Time for a return gift. Bucky sat up and reached for his bag, digging a little for the fine seine twine he usually kept in a little hank at the bottom – ah, there. He knew it would come in handy. He reached for Steve's wrist and settled it on his thigh for the moment while he started the Turk's Head knot on his fingers, then slipped it over Steve's hand.

He worked the bitter end, weaving it in and out and around, tightening just enough as he went so that the cuff would sit snugly on Steve's wrist without being too tight. It took a little doing, but when he was done, a thin braided band, no beginning or end, wrapped around Steve's wrist. Nothing so important as a collar, but a nice little gift.

“Oh.” Steve's eyes were huge, his pupils wide. “Oh, fuck. Thank you.” He smiled and turned his wrist this way and that. “Thank you. Even aside from...well, from it being a bit of you, a little bit of me tied down, it's really lovely.”

Bucky smiled and bowed his head slightly. Then poked Steve in the belly.  Shower? he signed, and Steve nodded.

They took turns, Steve first as the messier one, and  when Bucky finished, he found him in the living room, stretched out on the sofa. 

He took great joy in falling on top of Steve, getting a little 'oomph' out of him, and then snuggling close.

“Hi,” Steve said, slipping his hand up under Bucky's shirt to rest on his back. “Feeling better?”

Bucky nodded hard, and worked his arms around Steve to give him a squeeze.

“Good,” Steve said warmly, and rested his head on Bucky's. “I really like having the bracelet,” he said quietly. “Thank you.”

Bucky nodded, and kissed Steve's chest. He wanted to do some serious  bondage , and oh  _ God _ Steve would look amazing with Bucky's ropes twisted and knotted around him, holding him up, making him strain against them...

But they would have to work up to that. Start small, start with things they could build on later. Start with a little bracelet.

“ Wanna talk comics?” Steve asked, stroking Bucky's back. “I got a couple sketches I wan t to show you.”

Bucky gave a little wriggle and sat up, moving so that Steve could get up and come back with laptop, Wacom, and Bucky's iPad.

“I figured you've got all the apps and everything so we can talk,” he offered, going a little pink. “That okay?”

_Steve, you're the best. Thank you._

“Aw, you say that to all the guys,” Steve teased.

Bucky shook his head, denying everything.

“Uh huh. I'm just the latest in the line of broken hearts you leave behind you.” Steve threw himself down on the sofa, laying dramatically across Bucky's legs. “Dooooooomed.”

Bucky was laughing silently, and gave Steve a healthy pinch for his cheek.

“Ow.”

_ Baby! _ Bucky held the iPad so Steve could see it, then leaned down to kiss him. Like hell he'd break this boy's heart.

“Hi,” Steve murmured into Bucky's mouth, and wrapped his arms around Bucky's shoulders to pull himself up, still in his lap.

Bucky smiled, and cuddled Steve close, enjoying the weight of him and how he sprawled in Bucky's lap.

“I swear I meant for us to work,” Steve murmured, leaning in for another kiss.

Bucky shook his head, and made it very clear what he preferred to working, which was having his arms around Steve's shoulders, Steve heavy in his lap, Steve so easily kissed.

They cuddled a little bit more, kissed a tiny bit longer, then Steve shifted so that his weight wasn't quite so much on Bucky's legs, and retrieved his laptop. “Okay _first_ , this is for you,” he said, and opened a file. And sighed loudly when Bucky actually applauded the lovingly-rendered drawing of Captain America going down on the Winter Soldier.

_Email it to me? Plleeeeeasssseeee?_

“Will you print it out and put it on your living room wall?” Steve asked warily.

_No! I promise!_

“All right then,” he said, and attached it to an e-mail.

_It'll go on my bedroom wall_

“Bucky, you live in a studio. Well, you live in a clothes dumpster, but you know what I mean.”

_1\. every surface is a wardrobe if you believe in yourself 2. it's going up and you can't stop me 3. can we do that?????_

Steve laughed and knuckled Bucky's head. “No it isn't, you're right, and yes.”

Bucky gave a little wiggle.

“ _Moving on_ ,” Steve said pointedly. “You're the writer, and we need an origin story.”

_They didn't start out as partners_ Bucky typed immediately.  _They were friends and grew up together, but then they grew apart._ He paused, and deleted what he'd written _. No, they were TORN apart. they just found each other again. the winter soldier is safe again, he wasn't before, but he is now. but they have to learn to work together._

Steve's grin grew as he read Bucky's words. “That's amazing. There's so much there – what tore them apart? Why are having a hard time now? Did Cap rescue the Soldier?”

_A little. Mostly he rescued himself._ Bucky paused and looked at Steve hesitantly.  _Is that ok?_

“Bucky, yeah, of course it is,” Steve said, curling his hand around the back of Bucky's head and kissing him. “I love that he rescues himself,” he murmured. “I love how strong that makes him.”

Bucky smiled, and leaned in for another kiss.  _We should start in media res, sort of. Have them fighting together, but make it clear that they're not perfectly attuned to each other._ He grinned wickedly  _and make it VERY CLEAR that they share a bed at night, from the first!_

“All _right_ , God, they fuck like bunnies even though they can't bear to have an adult conversation,” Steve said, and rolled his eyes. “What is your fixation on these two being together?”

_I like queering stuff up. Also, I have inspiration_ . Bucky smiled and rested his hand on Steve's belly, just at the waistband of his jeans.

Steve swallowed hard. “Good answer.”

They took another short break to make out.

_What about Cap?_ Bucky asked, when work resumed. (Well, he reflected, 'work'.)

“He wasn't always big and strong,” Steve said thoughtfully, his head still resting on Bucky's shoulder. “But he got chosen for an experiment. And that cured his problems and _made_ him big and strong, but...he's still the little angry guy, you know? And he's not always sure how to live in this body he's got.” Steve paused, then shook his head. “He's afraid he's changed too much, and he's not so great as everyone thinks he is.

_And really, he's wonderful,_ Bucky wrote quickly.  _Perfect? No, of course not. He's not perfect at all, but he's GOOD and he cares and his anger is for the right reasons. Most of the time, at least._

“Yeah. Yeah, he's not some ubermensch, but he's good. And so is the Winter Soldier.”

Bucky shrugged.  _For some value of good._

Steve made a noncommittal little sound. “Do you know how to write a comic script?”

Bucky shook his head.

“It's pretty easy,” Steve explained, opening up a word file. “Here's one I worked on a few months ago. You get the layout?”

_Yeah, makes sense._ Bucky wrote, after scrolling through it and reading a page or two. _You really want me to write this?_

“Really really,” Steve said. “I'll help as much as you'll let me, but dude, you already came up with the central story we're gonna tell, and you've got these characters that are just gonna _sparkle_.” He grinned. “And you'll queer the hell out of it. We both will.”

Bucky gave his silent laugh, and hugged Steve. And opened up a fresh file, and got to work on describing the opening splash page, Captain America and the Winter Soldier fighting back-to-back, facing down a gang of Neo-Nazi goons.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you thank you thank you as ever for your comments and kudos!
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com
> 
> PS: if by any chance you find my stories through recs, could you let me know? I'm sort of curious :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's kind of a long 'un, but it's worth it...
> 
> (This chapter features a defense of pour-over coffees and some very gentle, light bondage, just fyi.)

“Bucky, get down!”

Bucky ducked, and winced when Steve went flying bodily over him – really, the guy hardly needed to be tackled. A punch would have done it. But, no, Mr 'I Have No Sense of Self-Preservation' had to go shoulder-first.

He rolled and got up, and dispatched the asshole's friend with a silver screen-worthy haymaker, followed by a boot in the ass. Steve was just finishing up, and the two assholes – who, presumably, now knew not to cat-call teenaged girls – fled.

“You okay?” Steve asked, panting a little. They'd chased the guys down an alleyway.

Bucky nodded and frowned, touching Steve's chest.

“I'll be okay,” Steve puffed, but there was a whistle to his breath that Bucky didn't like. Sit he ordered, and Steve glared at him.

Please?

“Not in some stank-ass alleyway,” Steve gasped out, and Bucky rolled his eyes.  _ Fine _ , Jesus. He grabbed Steve's arm and started to pull him back to the street – he knew there was a bench nearby, one that might be simultaneously private enough for Steve to consent to use his inhaler, while also not being full of garbage juice.

Steve hissed when Bucky touched his shoulder though. Oh for  _ fuck's sake _ . Bucky grabbed Steve's shirttail and hauled him out, got him to the bench, and dug his inhaler out of his bag. All while trying to not simultaneously glare and start shaking from worry. Steve was fine, he'd be fine...

And his breathing did calm,  after a bit.

OK now? he signed, and Steve nodded.

“I'm fine, Buck,” he said, and dismissed the whole event where he couldn't breathe with a wave of his hand.

Bucky touched his own shoulder, then pointed to Steve's and quirked an eyebrow.

“Just landed on it, is all,” Steve defended himself. “It's not like it's dislocated or anything.”

_Because you know what that feels like, don't you?_

“Maybe?” Steve flushed. “I'm  _ fine _ . You sure you're okay?”

Bucky liked to think of himself as an honest person. That that was maybe one of his best qualities – he hated lying to people. He knew that lying was no basis for a relationship, and that's why he'd been so open with Steve from the beginning; there was a lot of him to take, and he wanted people to know what they were getting.

Bucky  looked at Steve. And then he  bit his lip, and looked pathetic, because if you learned one thing from sign language, it was how to wear your expressions on your sleeve. Or at least look like you were doing so.

“Honey, no, I thought you were okay?” Steve frowned and leaned in, touching Bucky's cheek so gently Bucky almost felt guilty. Almost.

He shrugged and looked down.  _ Just a little shaken up. Can we  go home and curl up together in bed? Just for a little? _

“Oh, baby, of course.” Score! He was getting pet names. Steve didn't suspect a thing. Bucky nodded, and leaned in for a hug, resting his head on Steve's unhurt shoulder. By the time he got home, he'd figure out how to get Steve to ice the damn thing.

It turned out that 'get icepack, curl up on Steve,  grant no quarter' was the solution, and that if he snuggled really close and turned huge, slightly teary eyes on Steve,  _ someone _ got too distracted to realize they were being taken care of.

They lay together quietly, listening to some soft piano music Bucky had put on and, okay. He didn't  _ need _ this little sweet moment, but it was awfully nice all the same.

He checked Steve's shoulder again, and stroked the cold skin with a fingertip, making Steve smile.

“I'm okay, Buck,” he said, and Bucky nodded.

_I know. But now you won't be as sore, and it won't be for as long._

Steve gave a one-sided shrug.

_It's important to me!_

Steve laughed, and pulled Bucky down for a kiss. “I'm picking up eloquence through body language from you.”

_Maybe you'll get some common sense at the same time?_

“Nah, you'd have to have any to begin with.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and tossed the icepack out. And snuggled back into Steve's side.

“Hey there.” Steve smiled down at him, and leaned in for a little kiss. “Feeling better?”

Bucky nodded. And he was, even if he'd been fine to begin with.

“Good,” Steve murmured, and wrapped both arms around Bucky, pulling him close for a string of lazy kisses, each one flowing into the next, no goal, no endpoint, just tasting each other, breathing together, held in the little nest of pillows and blankets that was the eternal state of Bucky's bed.

Bucky must have drifted off; it was nearly dark when he woke up, Steve peacefully reading beside him.

“Good nap?”

Bucky nodded and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

“God, you're adorable,” Steve observed, and Bucky shoved him.

Steve shoved back, and so Bucky pounced, trying to tickle everywhere at once, wriggling happily when Steve tried to restrain him. He was both squirmy and  _strong_ , and rolled away, silently laughing, dodging Steve trying to tackle him easily. 

“No fair!”

Bucky just shrugged. So he was better than Steve at this, big surprise.

Steve sat down and crossed his arms and legs. “And I was gonna give you a present.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow.

“But I won't, because I have the meanest boyfriend in the world.”

Bucky was unmoved.

Steve shrugged, “Okay, no surprise.” He lay back, hands behind his head. “Wanna go out for coffee?”

_Always!_

 

Much later that night, after Steve had gone home, Bucky got a message from him.

_This was gonna be your present earlier, y'know, when I was there to do something about it. Too bad, so sad!_

And attached was a picture of Steve from stomach to hips, his hand still around his cock, and his belly messy and sticky and shining.

Bucky's reply was long, involved things emojis were not meant for, and mostly consisted of four-letter words.

 

 

_Okay, but WHY are they fighting Neo-Nazi's?_

“Why...not?” Steve offered.

_Well, yes, they're neo-nazis, I hate Illinois nazis etc. but we've got to tell a story – why are we making THEM the opponents and not aliens? Or aliens in funny hats named Ratzis?_

“Oh. Uh.” Steve doodled a little. “We need their why.”

_Yeah. WHY put on outfits and fight crime?_

“Because it's the right thing to do,” Steve said immediately. “That's not all of it, but that's got to be part of it, Buck. Because they're good people, and fighting the bad guys is part of that.”

_Okay. Why are they good people?_

“Because...they are?” Steve thought for a long time. “Because Cap used to be the one needing protecting. And the Soldier protected him. And he knows what it's like.”

_Oooh, yeah._ Bucky grinned, and typed faster.  _And the soldier, it's in his name. he was made to fight_

Steve frowned. “I want him to be more than that, though.”

_He can be! But right now, all we know is that he's an ur-soldier. so is cap. different archetypes tho. wwii vs cold war, open war vs guerrilla, two different ways to fight for your beliefs._

Steve's smile grew. “You ever get told you're fuckin' brilliant?”

_Yeah, actually_

Bucky grinned smugly at him, and laughed  silently when Steve stuck his tongue out.

“Yeah yeah. You want another coffee?”

_Yes please. A pour-over?_

“You know that's no different from a regular drip, right?”

Bucky's eyes widened, and he made sure to look  _genuinely_ offended. Because he was.  _Bite your tongue!_

“Oh, come on, hipster,” Steve said, and rolled his eyes at Bucky's deadpan look. “Yeah yeah I got tattoos I'm a hipster too, for _real_ , Buck.”

Bucky reached into his wallet and pulled out a twenty.  _Get us both pour-overs, my treat. I'll have you converted by the end of the day. Oh, and make sure it's Wanda who makes them? She's the best_ .

Steve rolled his eyes. “As Master wishes.”

Bucky ghosted his hand over the knotted bracelet on Steve's wrist, just to watch his pupils expand. He didn't even bother to type a response.

 

_SAY IT AGAIN_

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph.” Steve sighed heavily. “You were right. This is a very good way to have coffee.”

Bucky clapped his hands with glee.

“Why do I put up with you?” Steve wondered aloud, and this, _this_ was why Bucky took dick pics. And saved them. For this very moment.  To text to Steve.

Steve's little shriek of surprise, followed by the  _very_ dry look he gave Bucky made it all worth it.

“Just for that, we're going over to your place for dinner,” he informed Bucky, who shrugged. He liked having Steve in his cozy studio. Also, his ropes were there.

The first snap of winter had arrived while they were having coffee, and they instinctively huddled together on the walk back to Bucky's.  And Bucky smiled to himself, because he was going to make Steve  _so happy_ that night. He'd pulled out the thin cotton ropes that morning  to check them over and re-wind them.

B ucky made them dinner – a nice linguine with pesto he'd made himself, which Steve properly praised – and they curled up together on Bucky's little loveseat, beers in hand.

“Can I stay the night?” Steve asked, resting his head on Bucky's shoulder.

_I'd like you to, please._ Bucky kissed his forehead.  _I'd like to try a little light bondage too, if you want?_

“Yes!” Steve said, _very_ quickly. “Please, please, Bucky, I promise I'll be good and yellow or red if I need to, _please_?”

Bucky grinned and petted his hair.  _Calm! I'll trust you to be honest with me. And I want to keep it pretty light and fun anyway._

“That sounds really good,” Steve offered, a little shyly, and Bucky pretty much _had_ to kiss him then. 

He trailed his fingers along Steve's face, and then sat up straight, clearly considering what he was going to do.

_How's your shoulder?_

Steve dropped his eyes. “It's a little sore. It's not bad, though, honest!” He spoke like he was forcing the words out, and it melted Bucky's heart. This stubborn asshole was actually _trying_. Bucky was going to take care of him all night.

_Honey, no matter what, I'm tying you up tonight. Thank you for being honest with me. It's hard, isn't it?_

Steve scowled. “I don't want you to think I'm weak or I can't deal with things.”

_I don't think that_ . If one could type mildly, Bucky did.

“Sorry,” Steve whispered, and Bucky reached out and touched his chin, raising his face. Typing wouldn't work right now – he tried to let how much he cared about Steve, how he admired his stubbornness (even as it was annoying sometimes), how he respected Steve, all of that show on his face.

Steve's shoulders relaxed, and Bucky smiled.

_Stevie, strip to your waist for me, please. And then go sit in the middle of my bed, cross-legged._

Steve read the words, and quickly pulled off his t-shirt and crossed the short space to  the bed, sitting quietly down.

Bucky pulled a flat box out of the bottom of his closet, and looked over his goodies – the blue rope, he decided, for tonight. He pulled that out, retrieved his iPad, and went to sit next to Steve on the bed.

Steve gave a little shiver when he saw the rope, his eyes widening. Bucky smiled and kissed his cheek.

_I'm just going to do a very simple series of knots around your torso, okay? And a loop around your neck, but it won't choke you or anything like that._

“Yeah, please,” Steve managed.

Bucky leaned in and kissed him, long and lingering. He un-gasketed the rope and found the center, pleased that he'd thought to mark it earlier.

He rested the exact center on top of the bony knob at the back of Steve's neck, and got to work. Bucky felt his breathing deepen as he worked the bitter ends, making a knot between Steve's collarbones, then threading the soft blue line back and forth. He had missed this. Missed being hyperaware of his lover, missed the soft rasp of cotton through his hands. Missed the careful precision of knots, of laying rope over soft skin just enough that Steve would feel it, and that it might leave light marks, but not truly hurt.

He continued the pretty, intricate pattern all down Steve's chest and stomach, finally tying the rope off at his hips. Bucky sat back then, and admired his work, the way Steve wasn't held at all – except for the part where he was wrapped up in Bucky's ropes.

Good? he signed, and Steve nodded hard. He raised one hand and tentatively touched his chest, tracing the line of a rope that pressed into the meat of his body.

Beautiful Bucky signed, and pounced, sending Steve onto his back and kissing him hard, and being kissed back just as thoroughly, Steve's arms wrapping around him. 

When they both had to stop to breathe, Bucky straddled Steve's hips, grinned down at him, and stroked his forearms.

“Please?” Steve asked softly. “I want more.”

Bucky nodded – hell, he did too. He brought Steve's forearms together in front of him, as gentle as he could be.  Okay? he signed, and Steve nodded.

Right, this called for a bit more.

_I'm going to bind your forearms together in front of you. I'm going to be watching you like a hawk, love, but if you're even a little uncomfortable, please yellow out. I can always find another way to tie you up._

Steve read over his words and nodded, relaxing back onto the bed. “Thanks,” he murmured, and Bucky smiled, leaning over to kiss him, just a little bit. Maybe another kiss. A half-dozen, tops. There was nothing addictive, after all, about the way stubborn, proud Steve Rogers melted away under Bucky's touch.

He picked a smaller set of cords, these pure black, and started the intricate weave that covered Steve's forearms, an echo of the diamonds on his body. Again, the world fell away while Bucky worked his way down to Steve's hands, finally tying his thumbs together and carefully immobilizing them.

He looked up and Steve's eyes were nearly black his pupils were so wide, but he nodded when Bucky signed  Okay? and seemed present. Just...very, very happy.

Bucky smiled, and helped him take a sip of water, just to give them both a moment to cool down, because dear God, seeing Steve like this...'hard' didn't even cover how his cock felt.

He stroked Steve's hair softly, and kissed him, trying to make it light and easy. That's what would be best for them, at least in these early days.

Steve leaned eagerly into the kiss, and Bucky couldn't keep from rolling his hips at the way Steve's mouth opened under his, at the way he was so pliant. Bucky felt him flex, felt him realize what it meant to have his forearms tied, his hands frozen, and grinned when Steve  _moaned._

He rested his hand on the waist of Steve's jeans, and waited until he'd nodded, before he popped the top button and slowly, so slowly he was impressed at _himself_ , lowered the zipper. Of course, he made sure to run the backs of his fingers over the length of Steve's cock.

Steve moaned again, and twisted a little, seeking Bucky's hand. No teasing tonight – Bucky palmed his lover, then quickly stripped him to the skin, openly admiring Steve in nothing but rope.

“You too,” Steve ground out, trying to reach for Bucky's waist. No need to ask twice – it took no time at all for Bucky to strip himself, and take himself in hand, stroking slow and easy as he openly admired Steve. (Perhaps he'd tease a little. Just a little.)

“Fuck,” Steve breathed, and struggled to sit up, his balance all thrown off. “Fuck, Bucky, I want, I _want_...” He tipped forward and crawled a little until he was in front of Bucky, mouth poised just above his cock.

Bucky shivered, and rested a hand on the back of Steve's head, gentle encouragement to his bound lover, who knelt over and slowly took Bucky into his mouth, sucking greedily, his tongue first flat against the underside of Bucky's cock, then pulsing, just a little.

Bucky rolled his hips very carefully, and let himself give over to the pure bliss of looking down at criss-crossed flesh, and his lover learning how good it felt to be tied, of Steve desperate to please. He didn't even try to last, shooting hard and fast.

Steve licked his lips, and sat up, learning how to move around his bound arms. “Bucky?” he asked, voice low and raw and so, so sweet.

Bucky pulled him into an embrace and kissed him thoroughly, slowly laying them both down, Steve on his back. He touched his fingers – still warm, and ran his hands up Steve's arms. He tapped Steve's chest, just to check in.

“Green,” Steve murmured, and sighed when Bucky kissed him. And when Bucky kept kissing him, following the paths laid out in soft line until he held himself up between Steve's legs, _very_ happily regarding his cock. It was dark and straining, pearly liquid already beading at the tip – there was no way Steve would last long, so Bucky would make it as good as he could.

He opened his mouth, adjusted his jaw, and took Steve down in one smooth motion until his lips pressed against Steve's crotch. He breathed carefully around his full mouth, very pleased to hear the sounds Steve was making. Bucky curled his tongue around Steve's cock and raised his head a little, then lowered it again, careful to make an absolutely obscene sucking noise.

He did that twice more before Steve cried out, his hand on the back of Bucky's head, and he came, shaking and moaning as the orgasm overtook him.

Bucky gentled him down, then crawled up the bed to cuddle close, kissing the point of Steve's cheekbone, just under his eye, until Steve turned to meet Bucky's gaze, blinking sleepily. He'd taken his glasses off just before Bucky bound his arms, so who knew how much he was actually seeing, but Bucky generally did his best to communicate the fact that, just then, Steve was his whole entire universe.

He got some water into both of them, reveling in how much Steve had given over to him – he supported Steve with one arm and held the water bottle with his free hand. He finished it when Steve had drunk his fill, and gathered him close, careful and tender of his arms. They lay together in the quiet room, Bucky occasionally stroking Steve's back, checking that his fingers were still warm and his muscles relaxed.

“C'n we stay like this?” Steve asked quietly, when they had both come back to themselves a little more.

Bucky nodded, then remembered himself, and carefully traced an outline of glasses around Steve's eyes.

He laughed a little, and nodded. “Guess you'd better, huh?”

Bucky smiled, and kissed right between Steve's eyes, before carefully slipping his glasses on.

“Hey, gorgeous.”

Bucky stuck out his tongue. Fuckin' flirt.

Steve stretched a little. “Seriously, can we stay like this? Not to sleep or anything, I know that'd end badly, but just...please?”

Bucky nodded, and found his iPad. _I'd like that a lot, actually. Ok to just cuddle and watch cartoons or something?_

Steve nodded. “Please?”

Bucky got them situated – him sitting with his back against his headboard, Steve between his legs and lying back against his chest, where Bucky could check his arms and run his hands over rope-over-skin whenever he wanted to. Which was a lot.

They watched a couple episodes of Bob's Burgers, and at the end of it, Bucky wondered if he'd ever felt so peaceful before, giggly and warm and with arms and legs full of blissful Steve.

“This is amazing,” Steve murmured, head lolling back on Bucky's shoulder. Happy Steve was a lot like Drunk Steve. “When did you learn to do this?”

_Years ago. I was friends with a woman who was incredibly skilled at it, and she got me started._

“D'you like getting tied up too?” Steve asked, and flexed, clearly just to feel the resistance of the ropes.

_Sometimes. It's okay, but I like working the ropes myself so much better. I love how much people trust me._

Steve smiled at the answer. “It's easy to trust you, Buck. Can't imagine you hurting anyone.”

Bucky kissed Steve's temple.  _Not in the bedroom. Never here._

Steve shifted a little, and curled up in Bucky's lap. “Have you had a lot of lovers?” he asked curiously.

_Define a lot? Five men, four women, three that fall elsewhere on the gender spectrum._

“Jus' makin' sure you were loved-up,” Steve said, and laughed when Bucky pinched him. “What? I gotta look out for my guy.” He kissed Bucky's ear. “I'm assuming they were all good to you.”

_They were, darling. I've been very lucky in my life._

“No less than you deserve.” Steve wriggled again, and Bucky figured they were reaching the end of playtime. He rubbed Steve's back, soothing a little, and made sure to kiss him. Something told him that Steve had not been quite as lucky as he himself had been.

_As gorgeous as you are, we should get those off now. You just lie there, I'll do all the work._

“Thanks, Buck,” Steve said softly, and he lay down, a little quieter now.

Bucky leaned over and began his careful work, starting with Steve's arms. He capsized the knot holding Steve's thumbs and began to carefully unbind them, checking the skin minutely for any sign of bruising. There were red marks from the rope, but they were the sort that would fade quickly, and Bucky was satisfied that the pale skin was unharmed.

He kissed each inch as it was revealed, easing the end of the binding, and neatly coiled the line as he went. He'd check it again before he put it away for good, of course, but this would serve for the moment.

Done with Steve's arms, he turned to his torso, repeating the motions again – capsize the knot, check the skin, kiss, move on, all until Steve lay on his bed completely bared – and half-asleep.

You good? Bucky signed, and Steve nodded.

“Really good,” he said, and stretched out, long and languid, and then pulled Bucky down into an embrace.

Bucky lay with him a little, kissing when they felt like it, then gently pulled himself away to put the ropes out of the way, refresh the glass of water, and finally hit the lights and crawl in beside Steve again.

“Thank you,” Steve murmured, and Bucky traced a heart onto Steve's back in reply.

Steve smiled against Bucky's cheek, and traced a heart onto his back too.

And so they slept.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Your comments and kudos mean a lot to me.
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eventually I'll write other things (oh god Warp and Weft has been abandoned for so long it hurts), but this story is pretty well taking over my brain right now, so enjoy!
> 
> There is some discussion of past suicidal feelings in this chapter, and a brief mention of past abuse.

Hi. How are you? Steve signed carefully, not a little hesitantly.

Great! Bucky signed, and pulled Steve into a big hug.  He'd never met a human being who was so shy about their signing skills.

How are you? he signed slowly, and Steve's smile grew, just a little. 

Happy . He paused and thought for a second.  I like time with you.

A little odd, but understandable, and also tooth-meltingly sweet. Of course Bucky pulled him into another hug, and kissed his cheek.

“I'm sorry I'm learning so slowly. It's harder than I thought.”

_ It's really a different language. You're doing fine, sweetheart. Don't ever be afraid to practice with me, okay? _

Steve nodded, and rubbed the back of his head, and changed the subject.

 

 

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ Hey sweetheart? You got a minute to talk? _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ Yeah, I'm just starting lunch. What's wrong, Bucky? _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ Nothing! Not really. Just – you're so shy about signing. And I just really really want to make it clear to you that A) you're fine! It takes a little time, but you're honestly doing just fine and B)are you okay? You just seem really shy and ashamed and awkward every time we sign together. _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ that's fair _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _I don't know, to be honest._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _I feel stupid I guess._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _I watch you sign and you're beautiful. I mean you're beautiful anyway but it's so amazing to watch you._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _and i'm like barely fingerspelling shit over here_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _honey that's not true_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _you're *learning*, of course you'll be a little slower! But you don't look stupid._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _You look like someone whose heart is so big he's learning another language for his boyfriend._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _thanks_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _I think i'm a litlte ashamed of myself too. I know i'm sort of fucked up about my disabilities. but it was like this huge point of pride that I got by HoH. and it's not like i'm losing Man Points or whatever the fuck I was thinking but...it's still this hard mental block._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _yeah._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _yeah, you know I care about you a lot, but the way you view yourself is something that bothers me a lot tbh._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _I know._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _I kinda worry about you too, you know._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _...why?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _it's not that you're mute, actually._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _it's your arm. I know it hurts sometimes and it's hard on you and clearly something really bad happened but you don't even like for me to touch it? I don't get it._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I just don't like people getting all kissy at it_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _no, but Bucky, you flinch every time I even touch the bare skin, let alone the scars_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _baby, i'm just worried about you._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _well don't._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _it doesnt' work like that_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _yeah, it does for me. stop talking about it now._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _why? it's something that worries me, and I want to talk to you about it_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _bucky?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _bucky, goddammit._

 

To say that Steve didn't know when to quit was an understatement. Which was why he was at Bucky's front door, ringing the bell for the fourth time in as many minutes.

“Jesus fuckin' God, he ain't home or he ain't answering!” someone yelled out the window.

“Mind your own fuckin' business,” Steve yelled back, and he should have tried getting into a fight before, because suddenly Bucky was at the front door, yanking him in.

_Get up here before I have to move or something_ .

“Oh, calm down, he was just _sticking his ass in where it don't belong_ ,” Steve said, hollering the last as they climbed up past Nosy Parker's floor.

Bucky slammed his door closed after them, and glared at Steve, hands on hips.  Why? he signed, clearly angry.

“Because avoiding me isn't a way to work this out,” Steve said. “I care about you _so much_ Buck. What were you gonna do, just never answer my text again?”

Bucky rolled his eyes.  _NO you dramatic asshole. I was gonna cool off first. Some of us can calm the fuck down, you know?_

“Yeah, but we gotta deal with this, sooner rather than later. All I did was say I was concerned about you!” Steve protested. “Right after you agreed that I was a pain in the ass, I might add.”

_You ARE a pain in the ass._

“At least I'm honest about it.”

_I fucking almost died okay? it hurt and it was horrible and I was so tired of being fucked up and I wished id died OKAY_

“Oh, honey,” Steve said softly, and he held out his hand. “Bucky, Bucky, love, that's not a sin.”

_technically it is, actually._

Steve smiled at that, and pulled his hand back. “Look who's all dogmatic Catholic now.”

_Shut up_ . Bucky swiped at his eyes, and sighed deeply.  _I hate it and I don't want it to be a part of me. I can be proud of everything else but let me have this one thing? I wanted to die so bad, and that's all ican rememeber about that time of my life. you get it?_

“No,” Steve said honestly. “But I get _you_ a little bit more. And I understand wanting something that hurts so bad to be gone, or to not have happened.” He smiled a little. “And I can't really judge you.”

_but you kinda do._

“But I kinda do,” Steve agreed. “I'm sorry.”

_me too. Stevie, I think i'll be glad of this in a few hours, but can you just leave me alone for a little bit? please?_

“Yeah. As long as you promise to text me if you need me?” Steve requested.

_promise. coffee tomorrow?_

“You know it.” Steve paused at the doorway. “Take care of yourself, Buck.”

Bucky just closed the door behind him. But he did it quietly this time.

 

Bucky had beaten him to their usual table, and Steve came over to drop his stuff off. Hi he signed, having only practiced for like hours the night before. How are you?

Bucky smiled, and he signed back carefully. I'm okay. You?

Tired. You want something?

Bucky shook his head, and Steve ordered a double redeye, sucking about half of it down in a single gulp. 

Sleep bad? Bucky asked, and Steve shrugged.

“A little. Mostly just got a big project in.” He smiled a little. “Thanks for coming.”

_ Dumbass. _

Steve just gave him an exhausted look.

_ Sorry. _ Bucky shoved his hair back, and smiled sadly at Steve.  _ I'm sorry. I really am a nice person? _

Steve laughed at that, and Bucky grinned back and okay. That spark there? He could work with that.

“ Want to try again?” he asked, and Bucky did his silent laugh and nodded.

“Hey, how are you?” he asked.

I'm good, Bucky signed  How are you?

“Tired. I didn't sleep much.” Steve took another big gulp of his coffee. “Thanks for coming.”

You're my boyfriend , Bucky signed slowly, and then switched to his iPad.  _ I'm glad you came too, Steve. _

Steve smiled softly, and mimicked Bucky, slowly signing  You're my boyfriend .

Bucky blushed a little, and touched the back of Steve's hand.  _ I'm sorry if I was a dick. _

“Me too,” Steve said softly. “And I'm so, so sorry you ever wanted to die, love.”

Bucky just shrugged and looked down.

“Hey,” Steve said, and turned his hand so that he could hold Bucky's hand, loosely. “I've been there too. It's shit.”

Bucky nodded.

“I'm really glad you're here,” Steve said quietly.

Me too. Happy YOU'RE here . Bucky signed, and  traced a heart on the back of Steve's hand.

“Mushy,” Steve teased, but he caught Bucky's hand, and a traced a heart onto the back of his wrist. “I'm not sorry I came over yesterday.”

_ Me either.  _

“I'm still sort of confused. And worried about you.”

_ Same _ .

Steve laughed. “Well, at least we've got that.”

Bucky smiled and shrugged.  _ We've got a lot. But yeah, that. _

“ I promise I'll keep trying to sign. I'll practice with you, if you  really don't mind .”

I LOVE! Bucky signed, and Steve blushed.

ok he offered.  thank you

Bucky reached out and squeezed Steve's hand. Steve noticed it was his left hand he was reaching out with, but for once in his life, let it go.

 

 

If  Steve had been expecting a good night's sleep, well, he sort of got it. Cuddling together while they watched  _The Young Ones_ had been awesome, of course. Anything that let him wrap around Bucky and feel his body shake with laughter was going to be awesome. And  he'd drifted off, slept deep and long.

He woke up sad and a little numb the next morning, feeling cruddy and guilty, and it was all because of a stupid dream.

What? Bucky signed, obviously concerned, and Steve  rolled over, trying to hide in a pillow .

“I had a shitty dream,” Steve mumbled, and tensed, just for a moment, when Bucky stroked his hair. “I dreamed you were talking to me.”

_ Was I mean to you or something? _ Bucky asked, still concerned. Steve squinted at the little phone screen, holding it practically to his nose to read, too distracted to reach for his glasses just yet.

“No! You were wonderful. You were a little ridiculous, actually.”

_ As I should be! What's wrong, darling? _

“I just  feel like shit about it. Like I keep saying how much I like you as you are, how I don't care that you don't talk, but then my subconscious goes and... makes that untrue? Or makes it seem that way. ”

Bucky didn't even type anything.

“Are you rolling your eyes at me? Where are my glasses?”

Bucky laughed silently and rolled over for a moment, returning with Steve's glasses, which he gently slid on. And kindly rolled his eyes again.

“Shut up, I feel  like an asshole .”

Bucky shoved himself up under Steve's arm, and started typing on his phone.  _ Would it make you feel better if I told you most of my lovers have had that dream? _

“...Not really?” He wanted to be  _ better. _

_ What did I sound like? _

“You had a really nice voice, actually,” Steve admitted. “Low, and kind of rough. Just...really nice to listen to.”

_ Good, I'm glad. _

“You're, um, really well-adjusted about this.”

Bucky laughed again.  _ Steve, I've been through this before. And sometimes I wish I could talk, too. It would make life SO much easier. And there are things I wish I could do, that I can't. _

“Like what?” Steve asked.  Bucky had never been less than proud and utterly comfortable. He'd seen how easily he navigated new places and people, charming them immediately, and using any of a half-dozen ways of making himself understood.

_ Like sing. Laugh. I wish I could tell you I loved you. _

Steve was pretty sure he was going to cry. “You tell me already.”

Bucky gave him a little shove.  _ You know what I mean _ .

“Does this,” Steve drew a heart on Bucky's chest, “mean less than this?” He looked into Bucky's eyes, soft sleepy grey. “I love you.”

Bucky melted into his arms, and they took their time to just hold each other.  _ Not less. But I still wish. _

Steve stroked Bucky's hair. “You'll really never speak again?”

_ Really truly. I can't even make involuntary sounds. It's all gone _

In response, Steve traced a heart on Bucky's cheek.

Bucky smiled, and traced a heart on Steve's chest in return.

 

 

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ Okay, don't get angry. _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ Steve, why am I about to get angry at you? _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ Because I think I might have broken my ankle. _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ Aw, honey. _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ Tell me about it. _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ You need me to come get you? _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ Nah, Sam's at the hospital with me. I'm really sorry we can't go hiking  tomorrow :( _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ I'm pretty sure Nature will still be there in a few weeks. _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ What happened? _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ It's dumb. _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ It's SO DUMB. _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ Even Sam said it was dumb. _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ Steve you're dumb like every waking moment and half of your sleeping ones. _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ This kind of quality sympathy is precisely what I look for in a boyfriend. _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ I try to meet your every need, Steven. _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ ANYWAY JAMES, it was dumb,  turns out wet leaves are basically frictionless, particularly when a bike wheel is going over them, everything is  awful . _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ Lil dramatic there Stevie. _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ Bite me, Bucky. gtg x-rays. _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ :* :* :* _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ At least two of those are for Sam _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ The other is for your x-ray technician _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ Well??? _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ Not broken! _

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Yay!_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Just a really nasty sprain, but it'll be okay in like a week or two._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Aw, good._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Just gotta get an air cast and crutches and they're sending me home._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _:*_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Wanna come over and play nursemaid?_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Not particularly. But I'll come over and cheer Sam for the hero he is._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _...honestly he deserves it._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Hah. Want me to pick anything up?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Nah, we can order dinner in here or something._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Cool. See you soon, honey._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Good._

 

_What, I was supposed to show up empty-handed?_ Bucky handed over the bag of very fancy cookies. To Sam.

“You can visit anytime. Even when Steve's not here. Actually, preferably then,” Sam informed him around a mouthful of snickerdoodle.

“Why are you stealing my boyfriend?” Steve asked, hobbling into the living room.

“Why are you out of bed?” Sam asked, sounding exactly as long-suffering as Bucky had expected.

“I am being a good host,” Steve informed him with great dignity, and kissed Bucky hello.

_Yes you are. Now get your ass back into bed, and get that ankle up._

“Yes _sir_ ,” Steve said, and snapped a salute.

“Steve, I am so grateful you never entered the military,” Sam said. A little muffled, as he had his head buried in his hands. “You can't even _salute_ properly.”

Bucky snickered silently, but he watched Steve move, and nudged Sam a little once his back was turned. _Everything gonna be okay, really?_

Sam smiled kindly and took Bucky's phone, typing back _Yeah, really. It's going to hurt like hell for a few days, and he's got to keep weight off for_ _at least_ _a week, but there's no break or anything. Go and be gross and stuff, I'll take care of dinner._

Bucky gave Sam an impulsive hug; to say Sam was a good friend was an understatement.

“Get,” Sam said, and gave him a little shove, but he patted Bucky's back. “And thanks for the cookies.”

Bucky made his way down the long, twisty hallway to Steve's bedroom, and was briefly pleased to find him in bed, leg elevated.

And suspicious.

“ _What_?” Steve asked, crossing his arms.

Bucky sat next to him on the bed and pulled out his iPad.

_You're listening to medical advice. I don't trust you._

Steve scowled. “Seriously?”

_I have met you, dear._

“Dear?” Steve cracked a smile at that at least. 

_You're my dear, so yeah._ Bucky smiled, and leaned over to kiss Steve's cheek.  _Am I giving you a hard time?_

“No, not really,” Steve admitted. “But I do have a really huge favor to ask you.”

_Good grief, what justifies you behaving sensibly?_

Steve pinched Bucky's arm. “I promised my mother I'd help her dig out the Christmas decorations this weekend. Do you mind coming over with me and doing, um, basically all of the work?”

_Steve, of course I don't mind. But Thanksgiving is still a week away?_

“My mother is very dedicated to Christmas,” Steve said delicately. “Everything goes up on Black Friday. Oh, you're invited to Thanksgiving Dinner too, of course,” he said quickly, and flushed a little. “I meant to ask you today anyway. Then, you know. Stupid shit.”

_I wish I could, but I'm meeting my sisters in Vermont. I'm sorry, love._ Bucky put his arm around Steve's shoulders and kissed his ear.  _You really okay?_

“Yeah, yeah. It's not serious or anything. Just kinda shaky still. 'n it hurts,” Steve admitted.

_That sucks. Glad you weren't hurt worse and all that._

“Yeah, me too.” Steve snuggled a little closer.

_Your mother won't mind me showing up, and then missing Thanksgiving?_

“Not at all,” Steve assured him, and Bucky kissed the top of his head.

_What can I do, love?_

Steve smiled. “ Set me on fire? Honestly, I'm being a baby. D'you mind just watching cartoons or something?”

_Yeah, that's a real hardship. I'll get your laptop and stuff, okay?_

“Thanks.” Steve was subdued, but he let Bucky fuss a little, adding a pillow underneath his foot and shaking his head over the road rash on his hand. They spent the next few hours lying in bed, side-by-side, and watching cartoons until Steve drifted off. 

 

 

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Steve, stop putting weight on your foot._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _YOU AREN'T EVEN IN THE SAME NEIGHBORHOOD AS ME RIGHT NOW._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I know things, though._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Also Clint texted me._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Ughhhhhhhh fml_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _If you don't take care of yourself I'm going to tie you to the bed._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _WAIT_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I meant the other way around!_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Fuck!_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _too late am learning to jig_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _oh man jumping up and down is fun_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _so is kicking things_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _oh my god I hate you so much, steven grant rogers_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _when I see your mother I will just spend the whole time asking her how she didn't kill you as a child_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _You know how humans are programmed to find kids really cute so we don't murder our offspring?_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _yeah?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _I was an ugly child. So yeah, I don't know either._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Oh my God._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Steve, stop making me laugh in public._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _What? It's not like you're so loud people turn around!_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Unlike some people I could name CLINTON BARTON_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _yeah but I turn red and look sorta like i'm having a stroke._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _nah you turn red and you're adorable_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _oh fuck you_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _no but really_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _um_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _about the tying me to the bed?_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _We're going to your mom's on saturday, right?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Yeah_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Want to come back to my place, and spend Sunday here?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ALL DAY?_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _All day, love_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _mine, for the whole day._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Bucky, I'm yours for a helluva lot longer than that._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _you know what I mean, mushface_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _yeah. and yeah. oh, please, yes._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Then yes, love. But really, please take it easy._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _no weight means no weight._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _I know. I'm just slow and it's hard and I hate crutches so much._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I know, honey, but you're just gonna take longer to heal_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _yeah, I KNOW._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Okay. But be a grown up about it, please._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _:P_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _:P yourself_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _You ever been on crutches?_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Yeah, I broke my leg when I was twelve. At that age, it's just cool :)_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Yeah, yeah, look at the cool kid with his cast that everybody signed :P I was sporting an elegant back brace, coke bottle glasses, and the really big ugly hearing aide :(_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Awwww, Stevie!_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _I also had no friends. But that was sorta down to personality, you know?_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ YA DON'T SAY _

**Steve tattooed guy:** _oh ha ha_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I am hilarious, I know_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _fml_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _gotta go. btw I have like half the script done, ok if I email it tonight?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Yeah! I can't wait to see what you've written :)_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _You'll love it. Esp the bedroom scene_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ughhhhhhh_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _think of it as a preview_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _nghghghg_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _hee. Okay I really really have to go._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _hey steve_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _what?_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I love you._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _I love you too, Buck._

 

“It's the next one – yeah, with the blue door,” Steve instructed, and Bucky pulled into the driveway and parked. He had almost forgotten such luxuries existed, but hey, New Jersey. He'd rented a car for the day, figuring that that was the easiest way to get Steve from Point A to Point B and was unspeakably glad that he didn't have to show off his terrible parallel parking skills.

He did not help Steve out of the car – he'd tried that already, and had been unimpressed with the prickly reception. The asshole could haul himself around if he was going to be like that. Bucky followed Steve to the door and prepared his most charming 'meet the parent' smile.

“Come on in, boys. Oh, Steve, still in the splint?” Sarah Rogers was a petite woman with Steve's blonde hair and blue eyes and pointed face. And his smile, Bucky learned, when she turned it on him.

“You're Bucky, of course. It's so good to meet you finally, come on in,” she said warmly, reaching out for his hand.

He folded her tiny hands between his, and smiled his most winning smile.

“I understand a little sign language, if that helps, by the way,” she added, and Bucky grinned, surprised and pleased.

They all settled in the living room with coffee, Steve ushered into a big easy chair with an ottoman for his foot. Bucky noticed that he was behaving himself rather well.

Sarah asked Bucky about his Thanksgiving plans, and they chatted about that until the coffee was finished – Bucky turning on the text-to-speech function, so he could talk without having to show the text to both of them. (He had, with some reluctance, set it to American Male. Scottish Woman was his favorite particularly at bars, at least until someone came up with a Brian Blessed voice.)

“Thank you so much for helping with hauling the decorations out,” Sarah said, and Bucky bowed his head a little. “Really! I could have managed.”

“Ma, there's like thirty boxes and they're all in the attic,” Steve said patiently. “It's a two-person job. At least.”

“That's why I have neighbors” she pointed out, and Steve rolled his eyes.

“Would that be Mr. Bergman, who has a walker, or Mrs. Toussaint who is about a thousand years old and who _you_ help out?”

“Steve there are more neighbors on this street,” she pointed out serenely, and turned to smile at Bucky. “The point is, thank you for coming to help out.”

Bucky shrugged and smiled. It really was nice, meeting Steve's mother. And he told her so.

“I've been curious to meet you too,” she admitted, and they grinned at each other. Bucky suspected they would be fast friends, if only so he could have someone who _really understood_ when he wanted to murder Steve.

“Speaking of which,” she said, rising and collecting their empty mugs. “Steve, show Bucky how to get into the attic and tell him what to look for. I'll be up in a moment.

She's great! Bucky signed more or less as soon as Sarah had left the room, and Steve nodded hard.

“C'mon, it's upstairs, at the end of the landing,” he said, but he also leaned over and kissed Bucky, rather sweetly for someone who had been a combative dickhole all day. (Or so Bucky privately thought to himself.  Not that he was going to win Nice Person of the Year lately either. )

Steve showed him how the ladder dropped down and Bucky climbed up into the dusty, but very neat, space, and started looking for the boxes Steve was describing.  _ Found them! _ he texted.

“Awesome! I guess just start handing them down? Mom and I can put them in the spare bedroom.”

Bucky picked the smallest box first and came over to the entrance, kneeling down to hand it to Steve, who reached up. He was still using one crutch for balance, but very obviously had his bad foot off of the ground, and Bucky smiled and winked at him.

Steve blushed. “You think  _ you _ don't put up with my shit,” he mumbled, and Bucky reached down to pet his hair.

Steve ducked and glared, and Bucky laughed silently, and grinned when Sarah came into view.

“Steve, you catch, and I'll carry,” she determined, and the division of labor worked out, Bucky ferreted out all of the Christmas boxes, and Sarah got them stashed away. And he only had two sneezing fits, but Steve got dust on the tip of his nose and no one mentioned it to him, so that was okay.

Sarah offered another cup of coffee, and Bucky wasn't going to decline – she had her son's wicked sense of humor, and seemed to be able to keep Steve behaving himself, health-wise.

“I know you're away for Thanksgiving, but please come over again soon?” she asked, once they were all settled around the kitchen table. “It's really been lovely having you, Bucky. It gets a little quiet with just me and Steve.”

Bucky blushed a little, and promised he'd come back to visit soon. He had plans for Christmas too – Indiana, this time – but they would have to try to get together for dinner before that.

“I'd love that. You've been so good for Steve,” she said, and on cue, Steve looked like he was going to die in his seat. “And as far as I can tell, he's right to adore you.” 

Bucky was pretty sure he looked like he was going to die too, and Sarah laughed and patted his hand. “Forgive me, that was very blunt. I wear my heart on my sleeve.” She looked wistful for a moment. “I learned very early on to not delay letting people know how much they were cared for. So much can change so quickly, you know?”

Bucky knew, and he nodded hard. And leaned over to hug Sarah.

“Oh, sweetheart.” She rubbed his back. “You've had a time of it, huh?”

Bucky shrugged.  _ Could have been worse. And I've had a good time of it in a lot of ways too. _ He turned the speech function off – he preferred just words for this, and they were close enough that Steve and Sarah could both read.

“Good,” Sarah said, and ruffled his hair,  making him duck a little and grin . “Come over here and have a good time with us, please?”

Like Bucky could stay away, which is what he told her.

He got another hug when they bid her goodbye, and kissed her cheek, and generally considered that he'd succeeded in charming her completely.

“Holy shit, she loves you,” Steve said as soon as they were in the car, and Bucky gave him a thumbs-up. “No, really. She usually is sort of meh about the people I date, but she  _ really _ loves you.”

Bucky took advantage of a stop sign to kiss Steve's cheek, and not a little smugly.

“That might have something to do with my awful dating history,” Steve admitted. “ Not the adoring you part! The meh about people I date part.”

Bucky reached over to rub the back of his neck. Sometimes not really being able to carry on his half of a conversation was insanely annoying. And sometimes it meant people told him things without necessarily meaning to.

Steve stared out the passenger window. “I don't want you think everyone I've dated has been an asshole. I mean, you know about Peggy and how awesome she is. I t's just  that  there were some not-great people too.”

Bucky merged onto the parkway, and reached over to touch Steve's thigh, just resting his hand there for a moment.

“It wasn't as bad as some people have it,” Steve admitted, resting his hand atop Bucky's. “Not even close. It wasn't, like, real abuse."

Bucky's  _ ass _ it wasn't. He squeezed his hand the littlest bit. Oh, his Stevie.

“I mean.” Steve cleared his throat. “You're. You're really. Great. And Mom sees that.”

Bucky signed  thank you , then bent his middle and ring fingers down, and pressed the sign into Steve's leg.

Steve made a soft sound, and traced a heart onto the back of Bucky's hand, and that was all they said, the rest of the ride home.

“ Still on for tomorrow?” Steve asked, when they got ready for bed that night. He was a little jumpy; not nervous, Bucky thought, but...something.

He leaned over and pinched Steve's nipple, hard.  Yes he signed, and Steve groaned, and leaned into his touch.

Bucky laughed softly, and leaned in to kiss Steve, who wrapped his arms around Bucky's waist, pulling him close.

They fell asleep like that, and Bucky dreamed of soft ropes, endlessly looping and knotting themselves over their bodies.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOUR COMMENTS ARE THE BEST. Srs. So are the kudos.
> 
> Also ha ha enjoy your sexy cliffhanger no guesses as to what the next chapter will be about...
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday! Have some non-gratuitous porn.
> 
> Please note the tags, as this chapter begins some reasonably heavy bondage play.

Bucky had made them a good, filling breakfast. He'd tidied up so that Steve could get around with tripping over things – although, if he had his way, Steve wouldn't be _allowed_ to get around for as much of the day as they could stand. His ropes were clean and dry, and he'd bought some new silk scarves and ribbons too, planning for creativity.

And Steve – oh, lovely Steve. He was practically vibrating out of his skin. He was _eager to please_ , which Bucky found slightly disturbing – eating breakfast readily, not even hinting at putting weight on his ankle as he moved around, and generally very openly behaving himself.

_Stevie, come and sit with me first_ he asked, and Steve headed for the loveseat automatically.

Bed  he signed, and made sure Steve was comfortable, before cuddling up next to him. They really did need to talk – he was pretty sure Steve had never done such an extended scene. Among other things.

“What's wrong?” Steve asked, and Bucky turned his head and kissed him. Properly. The way he should have been doing, he realized. They kissed hello and goodbye and hugged and things, but how long had it been since they'd done this?

Fuck. Fuck, how could he have given this up. The way Steve's mouth softened under his. Tongue and teeth and hungry kisses, and Bucky slipped his hand up Steve's shirt to caress his stomach. Oh, they had gone too long without this, drifting from fight to injury to some strange distance.

Steve was breathing hard when the kiss broke, and Bucky gathered him close, stroking his back until they were both calm again.

_Nothing's wrong, darling. Nothing at all in the world :)_

“Sorry, I just...I know I've been kind of a pain.”

_A little bit. But I'm not going to hold sex hostage, okay? We BOTH love playing like this. And I think we need it. I'm sorry I let us drift apart, even a tiny bit_.

“Two of us did that,” Steve reminded him wryly. “I guess...yeah. After that fight. It's weird. I...Bucky, I _love_ you. But it was like I loved you with a wall between us.”

Bucky nodded, and signed  I love you , and pressed it against Steve's chest.

Steve smiled, and relaxed onto the bed, sprawling out and resting his head on Bucky's pillow, right next to his thigh. “Today is gonna be so good.”

Bucky nodded, and tapped Steve's nose. _Really really good! Some rules, okay?_

Steve nodded, and Bucky noticed that he relaxed even more. Interesting.

_Strip for me_.

While Steve was doing that, Bucky got up and selected the longest silk ribbon, a beautiful deep blue. He came back to the bed and tied one end around Steve's good ankle, running a little pattern partway up his calf. He tied the other end around one of the legs of his bed, and joined Steve back in bed.

_Rule 1: Except to use the bathroom, you aren't allowed beyond the reach of that ribbon until I release you. Preferably, you will stay on this bed_

Steve swallowed hard.

_Rule 2: If you do have to move around, you'll keep the weight off of your sprain. I_ will _be restraining your legs, but very carefully._

Steve whimpered

_You will tell me immediately if you have any pain, or numbness, or anything like that. This is extremely important to me, Steve._

_Rule 3: Do I even have to tell you that I'll be checking in with you regularly, and I expect you to red or yellow if necessary?_

“I promise,” Steve whispered, and Bucky was impressed at how quickly he'd gotten hard.

He caressed Steve's cheek, and kissed him softly.

_Rule 4: Today will be very long. Very good, but long. I want as much aftercare time as possible. If I think either of us need more care even into tomorrow morning, we'll get it. Are you okay missing a few hours of work, if need be?_

Steve nodded. “Bucky, if you need me...God. Yes, of course.”

Bucky tapped Steve on the nose. He might need a little more care, too.

“I promise, it's fine,” Steve managed, and Bucky smiled, and leaned in to kiss him.

_Rule 5: I am going to blow your mind. I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to tie you down, tie you up, make you mine and be yours. I'm going to be so, so good to you._

Steve whimpered again, and dropped his hand to wrap around his cock. “Please, please. Fuck, please.”

Bucky put the iPad aside for a moment, and reached for Steve, for another of those amazing kisses that had them both falling back onto the bed, Bucky remembering at the last moment to be careful how he landed so he didn't kick Steve's ankle, but _did_ work his thigh between Steve's legs, rubbing it against his cock.

“Christ. Christ, you're so good to me,” Steve breathed, and Bucky twined his arms around Steve's neck, granting himself the luxury of rolling his hips against Steve exactly five times. His cock was hard and he _craved_ the friction, but damned if they were going to stop just as soon as they got going.

He pulled away gently, leaning over for one last kiss, and petted Steve's cheek. First rope he signed, and Steve nodded, sighing as he relaxed into the bed.

Bucky went over to where he'd laid everything out already, and came back with a red cotton rope. He found the center, and rested it on the back of Steve's neck, bringing the two ends around to rest over his collarbones, and began a harness like the one he'd made the first time he tied Steve up. He tied slightly more intricate knots though, admiring the effect of the bright rope against Steve's pale skin, taking his time and knotting carefully, placing everything just right. Instead of stopping at Steve's hips this time, though, he continued down, looping the ends under Steve's balls, then up again, pushing his cock and balls together and creating, not quite a cock ring, but certainly something similar.

Steve moaned as Bucky worked, hands spasming on the soft comforter, and Bucky grinned. Oh, he hadn't even _started_ yet. He finished the harness and admired his work. Steve's body was criss-crossed with beautiful knots and held tight in the rope, his cock dark and shoved forward and up, obscene and obvious. Bucky had intentionally left his stomach almost bare.

Beautiful  he signed, while Steve panted beneath him.  Breathe  he reminded, and Steve laughed, running his hands over his own chest.

“You breathe,” he accused. “God. God, this feels so good.”

Bucky smiled, and ran his hand down Steve's leg, caressing the start of the silk ribbon. Scarf next, he decided.

An hour later, Steve was still and easy, face absolutely peaceful. Bucky had taken his time, the two of them pausing often to cuddle and kiss, Bucky tickling a little here and there to keep them from getting too serious. And Steve's free leg was bent at the knee, his calf pressed against the back of his thigh. Bucky had tied a short blue rope around his ankle, incredibly gentle with the plastic splint he still wore, and then had tied the other end around Steve's thigh, admiring how the muscle bulged around it. (He had also taken a few minutes to admire Steve's cock, and had bent over to wrap his lips around the head and suck for a few seconds. The raw sounds Steve had made had been _exquisite_. 

On one arm he had made a beautiful pattern on with silk ribbons and scarves, and had then tied it to the headboard, stretching Steve's body out across his bed. The other arm he wove a thin black rope around, tying it tightly to Steve's torso. This he planned to take off soon, so he took advantage, making a thick line of knots and winding the soft line a little more tightly than usual. It would leave beautiful patterns in his skin for an hour or two, and meanwhile, Steve could barely move, both arms and legs bound, and body stretched across the bed.

Bucky tapped his chest, and Steve smiled blissfully at him. “Green. I love you. Green.”

Bucky traced a heart around each of Steve's nipples, making him giggle.

Satisfied with his work for the moment, Bucky shifted his focus. Well, 'shifted'. It wasn't like he had ignored Steve's cock. Not bound and dark and already beading white at the tip. Not when it made Steve shake as he shifted to kneel beside his lover, one hand on his chest and the other on his thigh, and he bent over and kissed the head. Definitely not when he lowered his mouth, continuing to suck, his tongue swirling around the sensitive ridge.

“Please, oh, God, please,” Steve breathed, and Bucky felt him move, _try_ to move, felt him be stopped by the ropes and the ribbons and Steve _moaned_ , muscles bulging around the restraints.

Bucky lifted his head with an obscene slurp, and took great joy from the noise this evoked from Steve. He reached into his bedside table and pulled out a condom, and rolled it onto Steve's cock.

He prepped himself quickly, just enough that it wouldn't actually hurt him, and moved to kneel astride Steve's hips, leaning over to kiss him one more time, before he shifted back and slowly, as slowly as he could, lowered himself onto Steve's cock.

Steve moaned and twisted, and again the ropes held him still. Bucky let his eyes slide closed, just for a moment, just os he could feel Steve inside of him, the unbelievable closeness, the burn, everything so _good_ , before he started rocking. It was rare he was in the mood for this, but the day called for this closeness.

He watched Steve's face, watched his shoulders twitch and move and watched him try to rock his hips to meet Bucky, and watched him fall apart as he found the limits of the restraints. Bucky pushed himself up a few inches, then came back down, fucking himself on Steve's body while Steve twitched and pushed and sobbed beneath him.

Bucky gasped for air, moving his body, rocking and shifting until he found the sweet spot inside himself, until he could rock just there, his hand around his own cock, squeezing, trying to make himself last.

Steve was somewhere beyond words, whole body flushed and lost in painful ecstasy when Bucky came, the orgasm starting deep and spreading, sparking through his body, his cock shaking and spurting across Steve's stomach.

He rocked a few more times, holding himself up, and Steve gave a low, raw cry when he came, shaking and weeping beneath Bucky. He seemed to keep going forever, his cock still buried in Bucky, pulsing and wonderful, and it took whole minutes until Bucky could bear to separate them, slipping off, taking care of the condom, and lying down beside Steve under his upraised arm.

He petted Steve's face, and kissed away the tears on his cheeks. Kissed his shoulders and his chest, and stroked the long, hard muscles of the leg bound to itself. He kissed the pulse point on Steve's throat, and stroked his body, soothing, enjoying the sweat-damp skin and the way he could see the veins across Steve's pale eyelids, the way his dark, dark lashes fanned out across his cheekbones.

Bucky traced a heart over the middle of Steve's chest, then another on his cheek, another, playfully, on the bottom of his foot, and one gently around his cock and balls, still bound.

Steve opened his eyes at that and smiled, and Bucky kissed him, long and lingering, and finally they parted and Steve _sighed_ , bone-deep and happy. Bucky cleaned them both off with some wipes he'd stashed earlier, and stretched out along Steve's body, still quiet and resting.

Steve shifted though, and kissed the top of Bucky's head. “Honey?”

Bucky looked up and met his eyes.

“The rope around my cock – is there a way you can move it? It kind of...it hurts.” Steve chewed his cheek and looked away. “I don't...like pain,” he finally admitted, and Bucky's heart _actually exploded with pride ._

He kissed Steve, trying to show exactly how much he was going to reward his darling for his honesty, and moved to quickly untie the ends of the red rope, unbinding Steve's cock and balls. He checked the skin carefully, trying not to touch the delicate area, but found no burns, no damage.

Bucky carefully re-wove the ends into an intricate knot that rested on Steve's pubic hair, just above his cock, and fixed the knot into place. Then kissed it. Then kissed Steve again. Then his cheek.

Steve chuckled softly. “See, just gotta set your standards really low. Then I can impress when I meet the basic requirements of subbing...”

Bucky laughed, and stroked Steve's face. _You're way beyond basics now, love. I'm so proud of you, I can't even say. not just for telling me. for how good you are, how you respond to my ropes. this isn't easy, darling, and you're AMAZING. you're so so so good at this, and it's my privilege to be able to tie you up._

Steve chuckled softly, and flexed, trying to pull his arms away, and sighing happily when he couldn't move either of them. “Feels so good. C'n just relax. You got everything.”

Bucky gloated over his treasure, and kissed Steve again, since he could. _mine mine mine mine mine all mine it'll be a miracle if I ever untie you all the way again. miiiiiiiiine_

Steve laughed, and knocked his forehead a little against Bucky's. “Yours,” he agreed.

Bucky grinned and gave a little wriggle, which made Steve laugh.

He kissed Steve again, and checked his fingertips and toes, kissing the instep of each foot.

“Hey,” Steve said, trying to wriggle away, and narrowly missing kicking Bucky in the face. “Oops, sorry.”

Bucky made a funny face at him, just to make him laugh again, and sat up, cracking open a water bottle. He helped Steve drink first, then finished it and lay down again, just to give them a few more minutes of contact.

_I'm going to undo everything but the harness and the ribbon around your leg, darling. Your body needs to be able to move for a little bit, but I promise I'll tie you up again. I have lots of ideas..._

Steve shivered a little, and nodded eagerly.

_Are you hungry, by the way?_

“A little? I guess?”

Bucky nodded, and petted his stomach. _I'll get something light to eat when you're untied, love._

He went to work on Steve's arm first, gently undoing the web of knots and folding the thin black rope as he went – it was one of his favorites, and he was going to use it again that day. He rubbed Steve's arm when he was done, encouraging the blood to flow a little more, and moved to his other arm, unweaving the silk ribbons and scarves.

It took Steve a whole two minutes to realize that Bucky was purposely tickling him with the end of the scarf. He stopped trying to hold in his giggles, and squirmed and wriggled, trying to get away.

Bucky laughed silently, and finished his task, a little slower as Steve couldn't hold still, but checking his arm again, and supporting it while Steve lowered it to his side, gentle and so careful with the shoulder joint.

_OK?_ he asked, and Steve nodded, rubbing his shoulder a little. Bucky kissed the joint, and made a mental note – no raised arms for a few hours, and maybe a massage later, just to make sure. _it's okay to have fun and be silly. I mean I know you know, but it's sort of a big thing with me._

“Yeah, I noticed,” Steve said, while Bucky started on his leg, the simple knots coming apart easily. “I love it, by the way.” He tickled Bucky's neck a little, clearly enjoying being able to reach and use his arms and hands again. “Fun bondage is the best bondage.”

Bucky grinned up at him, and helped Steve straighten his leg, supporting the knee joint. He checked Steve's ankle carefully, even undoing the splint to make sure it wasn't swelling. The skin around the ankle bone was a little bit puffy, but Steve didn't flinch when Bucky ran his hand over his foot.

“It's okay,” Steve said softly, and Bucky smiled up at him.

_I'm just going to elevate it for a few minutes, okay? Indulge me._

Steve laughed and lay back while Bucky fussed over him. “Okay, but just this once.”

_God, I need to tie you up more often. Don't get hurt bad again, but if you do, I know what to do._

Steve groaned. “I _know_ I'm a dick about this. Sorry?”

_Eh, I'm a dick about a lot of things too._ Bucky sat up and stretched a little, only somewhat to watch Steve's eyes widen. _I'm going to run to the kitchen for some energy bars, I'll be back in a few seconds, okay?_

“Okay,” Steve said, settling back on the pillows. Bucky was back as quickly as he'd promised, and they split one bar, then another, then another bottle of water, before Bucky kissed him tenderly, and went back to work.

 

Symmetry, this time, he decided. Bucky had Steve move to the foot of the bed so he could get some slack in the ribbon around his foot, then nudged him onto his belly and raised his calves so his knees made a ninety-degree angle.

Ankles first and he bound Steve's feet together, just a few inches between them, the dark blue rope lovely against his skin. He switched to red, to tie the binding-knot around Steve's thighs. (Of course he took a chance to caress Steve's thighs, and kiss the long, strong limbs. Steve's legs were stunning.)

When he finished, his lover could bend his legs, but not extend them beyond a right angle, a discovery that made Steve gasp into the comforter.

Bucky stroked his back, hand rippling over the ropes still around his torso, and grinned. He moved Steve's arms to his sides, and used the ribbons to weave lightly through the rope, around Steve's arm, and back, making little zig-zags of softly-shining ivory fabric.

It was beautiful, all red-white-and-blue, and Bucky openly admired his work, Steve all but trapped facedown on his belly, making tiny movements, always testing and always finding himself so limited.

Bucky helped him roll onto his side, and made sure Steve saw when he licked his lips.

Steve laughed a little, but it was rough, and his cock was twitching, half-hard already.

_May I take pictures of you, love?_

Steve thought for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah. If you really want to?”

_I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALYL REALLY WANT TO_

Steve burst out laughing when Bucky showed him the iPad screen. “Oh my God, you're the most adorable top in the entire world.”

_Yup_

“Kiss me? Or get down here so I can kiss you? Please?”

Bucky melted a little at the request, and lay down, gathering Steve close and leaning in for a kiss.

Steve seemed to be making up for not being able to hold Bucky back, by kissing for all he was worth, soft gasping noises feeding into Bucky's mouth. Bucky moved so Steve could kiss his throat, then a little more, then more, until Steve was scraping his teeth across first one nipple, then the other, and Bucky shuddered hard.

“Oh, love,” Steve breathed, and bit down, tugging a little and Bucky practically saw _stars_ . He pressed into the feel, knocking them both over a little and Steve rolled onto his back, mouth still working, licking and biting in the way he _precisely_ knew would drive Bucky insane.

Bucky finally dragged himself away, panting, and collapsed for a moment, head resting on Steve's chest.

“It's all right, love,” Steve murmured, and Bucky felt his body ripple, his arms trying to move because of course he would hold his top, cradle him close and soothe him.

His rather selfish top, Bucky thought to himself, and heaved himself up to kiss Steve sweetly, running fingers through his hair.

“I love you,” Steve murmured into his mouth, and Bucky traced a huge heart on Steve's body.

Bucky dropped his hand to Steve's thighs, petting softly, and stroking his cock, just a few times, just to watch him moan and stretch a little.

He retrieved his phone, and opened the camera function. He showed it to Steve and raised an eyebrow, just checking in again.

“It's fine,” Steve assured him. “I trust you.”

Well, that meant another kiss, and then Bucky lay down next to him, clearly taking a selfie of the two of them together, hair mussed and faces red and Steve laughing his ass off.

And then it was all Steve, the beautiful stripes of color and shadow on his body, the way he smiled shyly up at Bucky, his eyes closed as he relaxed into the bonds. Bucky turned him over again, took photos of him trussed up on his belly, both for himself and to show Steve later, to show him how gorgeous he was.

Bucky lay down with his head in the small of Steve's back and took another selfie, this time signing  I love you , and texted it to Steve, for him to find later.

A little more playing, he decided, then a break for lunch. He turned to the ribbons around Steve's arms and gently untied them, unwrapping the soft silk slowly, to give them both the pleasure of the sensations. He laughed when Steve immediately pushed himself up to his knees and pulled Bucky into a hug. He tapped on Steve's chest, just to make sure.

“Green. Honey, you know just what I need,” he sighed, and Bucky gathered him close again, cradling Steve and nudging him to rest his head on Bucky's shoulder. He had one more very intense setup in mind, but that would come later – they both needed to rest and be light for a few hours.

Bucky traced a heart on Steve's cheek, and giggled silently when Steve traced one around his bellybutton. He retaliated with a heart around Steve's ass, and Steve was almost laughing too hard to trace one on Bucky's cock.

Steve didn't move his hand afterwards, though, curling it around Bucky's cock, just holding. “Is this okay?” he asked softly, and Bucky nodded. _Love, I'm pretty bad at the whole Big Bad Top who must control everything thing. If I want to completely dominate you, that's what tying you up is for!_

Steve laughed, and started a lazy stroke. “If it helps, I...pretty much just want to give you pleasure,” he said, a little embarrassed at his own words. “Suck you off, jerk you off, whatever you want. I'm yours,” he whispered, and lowered his head to kiss between Bucky's legs. It was sexy, of course, but there was more to it. This was Steve submitting, giving himself over, and dear God, what a precious gift it was.

Bucky rested his hand on the back to Steve's head, gentle benediction. Time to give Steve what he wanted.

Bucky gently pushed Steve away, giving him a kiss to reassure that everything was okay, he just had different ideas. He got up and moved to the corner of the bed farthest from where Steve was tied, standing up and leaning just a bit against the wall. And wrapped his hand around his cock, starting with steady, heavy strokes.

Steve _actually licked his lips_ , and Bucky beckoned him over, pretty sure he'd calculated right. Steve was curled up at the end of the bed, and hadn't really tested how far he could move with his legs tied.

He started to pull himself forward, grinning at the look on Bucky's face. “What, the last week of watching me try to hop around wasn't enough for you?” And if he put a little more drama into the jerk on his foot, once he reached the end of the ribbon, neither of them were going to comment on it.

“Fuck.”

Steve was most of the way across the bed, but still more than an arms'-reach away from Bucky when he knelt.

Bucky signed  mouth  just to make it clear exactly what part of Steve he wanted on him, and gripped his cock a little hard, closing his eyes at the sensation.

“Oh my God, you _dick_ ,” Steve groaned, when he realized this had just become a race, for him to get to Bucky before Bucky got off.

Bucky pinched one of his nipples, trying to be as loud as possible with his breathy little gasp. He mostly didn't like making noises at all, but Steve deserved some kind of reward, something special, and _hearing_ Bucky seemed like a good one.

Steve made a sobbing noise in his throat, and threw himself forward, the ribbon utterly failing to stretch. “Bucky, Bucky, I _want_.” He moved onto his stomach, stretching across the bed, his legs as open as they could be, the ropes biting into his skin as he stretched, and Bucky moved his free hand to the headboard, suddenly needing the support. Steve was straining, twisting, reaching out for him and his hands closed around Bucky's thighs, holding him tightly.

Bucky kept moving his hand, his cock hard, curving up towards his belly, and Steve twisted onto his side – just enough to get the few inches he needed to wrap his lips around the head of Bucky's cock. He couldn't reach much more, and his mouth kept slipping off, but he made up for it with the sounds he was making, greedy and suckling and licking, his hands still tight around Bucky's thighs, gripping like Bucky was his lifeline.

Watching Steve twist, frantic, pulling against the bonds Bucky had put on him and so, so desperate to get more of his cock, to suck harder, tongue gliding down the underside, Bucky tried to last, tried to burn this into his memory, but the orgasm came so much sooner than he wanted.

Steve actually _pulled back_ , and Bucky opened his eyes, confused, but he met Steve's gaze as he came and realized his lover had pulled back on purpose, Bucky's come landing on his cheek, his lips, and with a back-bend on Steve's part, his chest.

Bucky might have forgotten how to breathe, watching the sticky white stuff decorate Steve's face, watching how Steve closed his eyes and licked his lips, reaching with his tongue to taste further. It was all Bucky could do to not actually collapse onto the bed, his legs turning to jelly as Steve, basically, acted out every one of Bucky's fantasies. At once.

His cock was still wet, a thick strand still dribbling from the tip when Steve got his reward, close enough to suck Bucky clean, gentle him down, and then lie there, gazing up at Bucky, his head on Bucky's hip, chest and face still sticky.

Bucky reached down with a shaking hand to caress Steve's cheek, overwhelmed at the look in his eyes. Wholly submissive, seeking approval, seeking only to love and please. Bucky swiped a little of his own come onto his thumb and pressed it to Steve's lips, breath going shaky at the way Steve suckled his thumb.

Bucky gently turned him over onto his back, and sighed happily at the sight of Steve hard, his legs bound so tightly, the ropes still criss-crossing his chest. He smeared the palm of his hand through the mess on Steve's chest and wrapped it around his cock, starting to jerk him off. He moved his hand fast, the slap of skin on skin obscene and wonderful, and leaned over to kiss Steve, tongue thrusting into his mouth, filthy and perfect.

He worked his hand and mouth until Steve was just on the edge, making little movement and whimpering, and then stopped and grabbed one of the silk scarves, a dark translucent scarlet. He wrapped it around Steve's cock, binding carefully, just tightly enough, and leaned over to kiss the bared head. Bucky rubbed his cheek against the tip, then wrapped his mouth around it again, tightening the scarf a little, and then sucked hard.

Steve made a choking sound, and his legs strained. “God, yes,” he managed. “Fuck. Oh fuck, oh, like that, like that.”

Bucky wrapped his hand around Steve's cock and mimicked jacking him off, though his hand just slipped over the silk, no friction, still swirling his tongue around the dark head. They couldn't play long like this, but Steve was writhing, begging, and Bucky gave him a few more minutes of teasing before he unwrapped the silk scarf.

He held one end and dragged it over Steve's cock, smiling wickedly the whole time.

That tiny whisper of sensation was enough to make Steve wail, his body shaking as he came, hard, his hands reaching for Bucky blindly, but of course finding him, and Bucky made himself into a restraint, wrapping around Steve so tightly while he made those delicious raw sounds. And held on even after he'd stopped, his love shaking a little in his arms.

Bucky kissed his cheek, his neck, slowly loosened his hold. Oh, his Stevie, who made a small noise and shoved a little closer, and Bucky reached for a blanket he'd thought to throw over the headboard, and wrapped them up together. His brave darling, who'd worked so hard all day.

Steve pressed close and gradually stopped shivering, resting peacefully in Bucky's arms, his head still tucked into the curve of Bucky's neck. He was warm, muscles easy and still, and Bucky let him rest – let them both rest – for as long as he wanted.

“That was...”

Bucky nodded. It had started as a game, but somehow become more powerful, harder, more of a gift between them. It was nothing like anything he'd done before, but that was okay. Steve was nothing like anyone he'd ever met before.

Steve smiled, and kissed Bucky's chest. “Can we have tomorrow for just us, please?” he asked. “Not to play. Honest, we can work on the comic book or watch movies or whatever, but I really...I'm gonna need you, Buck.” This last in the softest whisper, and Bucky wondered just how much it had taken for Steve to admit that.

I need you too  he signed carefully, making sure Steve understood. Fuck work. Work could wait a day. For their own safety, to come back from this extraordinary place they'd found, they needed a day.

Bucky smiled, and kissed Steve's nose. _It isn't even lunch! You're amazing, love._

“ _Me_? Look in a mirror, if you wanna see amazing.” Steve laughed though, blushing a little, and Bucky kissed his cheek.

_I'm going to clean you up love, and unbind your legs. Then we really do need a little break, just from active play. And food._

Steve nodded, and lay back. Bucky started by wiping down his face and chest and stomach, until his skin was clean and dry. He moved to the ropes around Steve's legs next, helping Steve onto his stomach and first undoing the rope that forced his legs to bend, then the one tying them together, rubbing the skin as he went. He frowned a little at the marks on the backs of Steve's thighs, a little harsher than he'd expected. He helped his lover stretch his legs out, very careful with his knees, and gently rolled Steve over.

And gasped, seeing the bruises already blooming on the fronts of his thighs, the rope-pattern obvious. Oh, no, no no, he'd never meant for this. Never meant to bruise his love.

Steve looked down and grinned. “Oh. Oh, Bucky, they're _beautiful._ ”

_Steve, I'm so sorry. I never meant you to get hurt. I'm_ so _sorry._

“Oh, fuck off with you're sorry! I love them.” Steve smiled, and held out his arms, cuddling Bucky close for a moment. “They don't hurt, love. And I like knowing I'll have marks you gave me, for a little bit.”

Bucky frowned, but Steve promised him again they didn't hurt. “And anyway, I sort of did it to myself, with all that thrashing around. I know you wouldn't have arranged for this without clearing it with me first,” he pointed out, and Bucky finally relaxed.

He insisted on rubbing a little arnica lotion into the backs of Steve's thighs though, fingertips tender with the marks there, closer to burns.

Steve was happy and utterly relaxed, sprawled across the bed, and Bucky covered him with the light blanket, tucking it around him.

_I made lunch ahead of time, love, so it'll only take me a minute or two to get it. Rest as much as you need to, but I WILL make you eat something, even if you're not hungry. You've been working very, very hard._

“Thanks, Bucky,” Steve sighed, and curled up. Bucky slipped a pillow under his head, pulled on a robe, and went to go pull the tray out of the fridge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have no idea how much glee I get from your kudos and comments. And for real, it really does shape the story, talking these events over with you.
> 
> (Steve and Bucky's Day o' Bondage isn't over yet, incidentally -- the next chapter finishes it out, and will go up after a little polishing.)
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the day o' sex!

Steve was dozing when he got back, so Bucky sat beside him and ate a little  himself  first. He'd put together lot of finger foods; high-energy, high-flavor, and easy to feed to each other. He wasn't surprised to suddenly be ravenous, and bolted a few date rolls and some cheese, before gently waking Steve and helping him sit up, still wrapped in the blanket. 

They feasted, feeding each other and giggling a little at how silly and stupid and wonderful it was. Bucky opened some more water bottles and let Steve feed him grapes, because why not?

At Steve's request, he untied his foot so he could go to the bathroom, supporting him for a few seconds while he got used to being upright again,  then very pointedly handing him his crutches. Steve made a face, and Bucky kissed his nose and patted his ass.

“This is a really amazing day,” Steve said softly when he was back in bed. “Thank you. You're working really hard.”

_ So are you. And you're welcome, of course. It's not exactly a chore  on my part _

Steve laughed, and lay down with his head in Bucky's lap. “Still.  You're so much nicer than other doms I've had.”

Bucky pushed back a flame of  over-protectiveness . Then thought better of it.

_ MINE.  MY STEVE. i'll be the best you've ever had, baby. treat you right,  be gentle and sweet and good . make you  so so so happy, know you're safe and held and bliss. _

Steve sighed, deep and happy, and grew a little heavier in Bucky's lap. 

Bucky rubbed his chest, and slipped a finger under the ropes – good, still loose enough, and no marks.

He tied Steve 's foot to the bed again, and made him stretch out, elevating his bad foot for a little bit, the ankle still puffy. A reward with the medicine, though – Bucky stretched out beside him, sharing his pillow and snuggling close.

Steve smiled and kissed his forehead. “Good God, I'm glad I didn't break it. You'd never let me out of bed.”

_ I might not anyway. _

Steve snickered, and bit Bucky's ear, since he could. Bucky gave an outraged twitch, and bit Steve's nose. So Steve pinched his belly. So Bucky blew a raspberry on his neck, rather impressed with the squawk Steve emitted.

“Oh, this is war,” Steve threatened, and attacked, tickling Bucky until he was curled over, shaking with  silent laughter and bright red, tears running down his face.

“Hah,” Steve announced, and sat on Bucky.

asshole Bucky signed, and wrapped his arms and legs around his lover.

“Ooooh,” Steve cooed, and cracked up again when Bucky started humping him. “Oh my God, that is ridiculous.”

Well, that was the point of course, and Bucky poked Steve hard in the sides to make him yelp and curl away.

They shifted a little to better hold each other  (and so Steve could put his foot up again) , full and sated and with hours and hours still ahead of them. Bucky stretched out, catlike, and looped his arms around Steve's neck, nuzzling the soft skin there.

 

He drifted off, somewhere between sleeping and waking, aware of Steve but otherwise out of it.  He somehow rest ed deeply in that half-hour, and  woke happy and ready to play again.

Steve laughed at the look in his eye and sat up. “Oh, this is gonna be good.”

Bucky nodded and grinned evilly. They'd gone very  physically  intense the first time he tied Steve up completely – now for some thing else .

He returned to the thin black rope, and had Steve cross his arms over his chest. Bucky grabbed one of the pairs of safety scissors he'd set down around the bed and cut the rope in half. He did the same with one of his silk scarves, and Steve frowned.

“Buck, none of this stuff is cheap. Are you sure?”

The look Bucky gave him obviated the need to write an answer. As if Steve weren't worth a few  bits of rope and fabric ! Really. Good God.

“I'll get you back at Christmas,” Steve muttered, and Bucky laughed. He folded Steve's hands into fists, and took his right hand, folding the fabric around it and tying it down around his wrist so he couldn't use his hand. Bucky made a series of knots up the sides of Steve's arm, moving the ropes across his forearms to create a laddered effect, first over the ends of the black silk, then over his bare skin. He tied the ends off neatly at Steve's elbow, then did the same on the other arm.

He took a few short lengths of black cord and made Steve re-cross his arms, tying his hands and forearms down to the chest-harness. He was careful to use quick-release knots; practical, and hidden, so it didn't matter that they weren't very pretty.

Steve shifted, trying to move his arms, but they were bound tight to his body, and he gave a little moan when he met the resistance.

Bucky petted his face  and kissed Steve's forehead until he smiled ,  then went back to work.  He thought hard, but finally decided not to untie Steve's foot – it wasn't like he was moving anywhere soon, but what it  _ meant _ was more important. He bent Steve's other leg, but  then thought better of it – Steve's legs had borne a lot of abuse, and instead, he straightened it out, taking a thicker black rope and running it under Steve's thighs, at the crease of his ass. He tied a series of thick bands, simple and elegant, binding Steve's legs together at his crotch, thighs, calves, and ankles,  and, finally, binding his feet together. He kissed each big toe  to mark the end of his work .

Steve laughed at that, but it was breathy, and he was already hard again, cock straining. Bucky petted his thighs and soothed, kissed his tummy, and sat so that Steve's head rested in his lap.

Steve kept making little twitching movements, then sometimes longer ones, clearly testing his bonds. He could twist his body, sit up if he wanted, and his neck and head had free range, but he was almost entirely  bound otherwise. His arms were frozen, his hands forced into stillness by the ropes and silk, and though he could bend his legs a little, the tightness of the ropes meant that he could only really move his hips. By binding his feet together, Bucky had even ensured he couldn't move his ankles; not with one still in its splint.

Steve groaned and shivered, testing boundaries again and again, clearly just to feel himself be stopped. God, it was so good to watch him, and Bucky indulged them both for a little bit, watching Steve's arms flex, relax, watching his legs  bend , relax.

He stroked Steve's hair, and started typing.  _ Beautiful. I want you to lie still now, though. As still as you can. I want to take photos of you, and then I'll tell you when you can move again. Be good for me, darling,  and I'll have the best reward for you. _

“This  _ is _ my reward,” Steve muttered, and he gave one last great shiver, and was still.

Bucky kissed his forehead – frankly, he had expected a little more fighting, but Steve didn't know what was ahead.  He moved,  slipping a pillow under Steve's head ,  and kissing  him one more time,  lingering a little .  Fuck,  Steve was just...wonderful .

He took his time, taking pictures of Steve's face, still and peaceful and with eyes closed. Then his bound hands, then some details of his arms and the knots there. Wider shots of Steve from the waist up, the afternoon sunlight making his hair glow  golden .  Details of his legs, his hips, a few shots of his whole body, showing off how beautiful he was. Through it all, Steve lay perfectly still.

Bucky lay down beside him and kissed his cheek, amazed at how good he was being, how eager-to-please. It was...well, it was un-Steve-like, and for a moment, he missed his fighty, tricksy lover.

Maybe this was what he needed, though.  An hour of his life  to not fight, to not be  always pushing. A few hours to rest and only do what Bucky told him to.

Bucky traced a heart gently on Steve's throat,  outlining a rose  tattooed there . Steve's body was covered in  ink , now peeking out from behind ropes, and they were beautiful.

He was aware of time passing, but only at a distance, lying there and absorbing Steve's peacefulness, the room as quiet as any place in New York could ever be.

Bucky smiled a little to himself when Steve started to wriggle – good. This was still his Stevie, who couldn't hold still for shit, and Bucky kissed him happily.

“What's my reward?” Steve demanded, and Bucky laughed and poked his belly.

_ Feel good? _

“Yeah. Really good, actually.” Steve sighed and stretched a little, flexing his arms and legs. “This is so peaceful.”

_ And? _

“And it's been like three hours since I came.”

_ oh for fuck's sake. _ Bucky was grinning though, and he pinched one of Steve's nipples, hard.

Steve made a soft humm ing sound, but this wasn't his favorite thing and  Bucky knew it.  He ran his fingertip thoughtfully up and down Steve's dick, and then knew what he would start with.

Tracing every single one of Steve's tattoos with the tip of his tongue  took quite a bit of time, but it was worth every minute when it let Bucky taste his lover, nuzzle his skin, and follow the beautiful images.

He started with the roses the decorated Steve's throat. He'd once asked how painful they had been to get – very, apparently. Bucky kissed each pulse-point, loving what Steve had gone through to add art to his existence. These had been what Bucky had seen first, and what had made him crush so hard on the tall, gorgeous man at the coffeeshop.

He typed this out for Steve, who grinned. “I had a crush on you too, y'know. The quiet, hot guy who always got espresso drinks. I thought you were so gorgeous, the first time I saw you.”

Bucky flushed a little – he knew he was attractive, he wasn't dumb, but still. Still.

He traced out the 'Brooklyn' that danced across the front of Steve's throat where his shirt collar fell, and kissed it. Brooklyn had brought them together.

Soft kisses and licks to trace the lines of the stars on Steve's chest, what he could see of them.

More little kisses for the stars on his arms, particularly paying attention to the bisexual pride one.

“I love you,” Steve murmured, and Bucky nuzzled his skin. And kept going.

He licked lines down Steve's torso, and kissed his thighs, bare of ink as they were, and finally stopped at the anchor on top of one foot, and the bird on the other. He debated flipping Steve over to taste the shield between his shoulders, the red-white-and-blue boss, but there was more fun to be had.

Steve was whimpering when Bucky finished  tracing out his body with kisses and tongue , his cock hard, and he moved his hips, searching for some kind of friction, some kind of pressure. Bucky straddled Steve's legs and went onto all fours, crouching down so he could slowly take Steve into his mouth while he rubbed off on Steve's legs, soft skin and hard ropes together.  He kept his tongue flat and heavy, rolling it along the underside of Steve's cock.

Steve moaned and tried to move and couldn't, and moaned louder as Bucky worked him over, using every trick he knew Steve loved to bring him to the edge.  He let up with one last suck, and kissed Steve's belly, smiling at his wail of protest. He crawled up Steve's body, intentionally dragging his cock along Steve's skin,  breathing a little harder at  the changes between rope and arms and stomach and finally positioning himself just at Steve's mouth, and then slowly sinking his hips.

Steve opened his mouth, moaned around his cock, and used what little freedom he had to move his head, trying to take more than Bucky was giving, begging for more. Slowly, Bucky thrust deeper, faster, mindful of how much Steve could easily take but – well. Fucking his lover's mouth. It was filthy, it was using Steve, and they both loved it.

Bucky pumped his hips, losing himself a little in Steve so ready to take anything, Steve prone beneath him, with Bucky's ropes all around him, holding him tight,  his whole focus on Bucky, and all of Bucky's on Steve.

He came hard and sudden, spurting into Steve's mouth, and shaking for what felt like whole long minutes until he slumped down, falling to one side so at least he didn't bodily smother  the poor man .

“Hey, beautiful.” Steve rolled over and wiggled close, and Bucky laughed a little; he really did look ridiculous. Hot, too, and Bucky wrapped his arms around him, just catching his breath.

He burst out into his silent laughter feeling Steve pump his hips, rather pointedly poking Bucky in the stomach. 

“Bucky,” Steve whined. “ _ Please _ ?”

Bucky snickered, and wrapped his hand around Steve's cock.

“I don't trust you,” Steve sighed,  even as he moaned when Bucky started moving his hand.

“Fuckin' tease,” he mumbled when Bucky stopped after only a few pumps of his fist. “Please, please, please baby. Please...”

Bucky grinned, and nipped at the soft skin of Steve's neck, making him gasp. He bit a nipple next, lightly, then soothed it with his tongue. Then bit again, harder.

“Yellow,” Steve whispered. “Bucky, that really hurts.”

Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve's shoulders and kissed him.  I'm sorry he signed, and scrambled for his iPad.  _ do you want to untie? _

“No! Just. Not with the biting? Please?”

_ no more biting love, I promise. i'm so sorry. forgive me? _

Steve smiled,  sloe -eyed and warm. “Of course. Jesus, y'don't have to ask.”

Bucky traced a fingertip along Steve's jaw, and kissed him again. He made soft little petting motions, giggling silently when Steve all but started to purr, pressing into Bucky's touch. And then, finally, finally,  moved down the bed to  kiss the points of Steve's hips, and took his cock into his mouth.

He was slow and steady, sucking hungrily; Steve's cock was already dribbling, and must  ache so beautifully. The noises he was making were certainly amazing, and when Bucky reached up to rest a hand on Steve's arm, he could feel it flex and release, flex again, Steve fighting his bonds so he could touch and hold and, frankly, probably keep Bucky's head right where it was.

He didn't yellow or red, though, so Bucky kept going,  guiding Steve to a long, long orgasm, all the tension he'd built up finally finding release as he whimpered, his body shaking, then relaxing, all  energy gone out of it.

Bucky slipped his arms under Steve's back and knees and lifted him onto his lap, shifting so that Steve's head rested on his shoulder and just holding him like that, letting him come back to himself in his own time.

It took a long time, but Bucky was patient, found it  _ easy _ to be patient, with nothing to do but hold his bound lover and watch Steve breathe, loving the even deepness of it, almost like he was asleep. Loved how easy and relaxed his body was, how he trusted Bucky completely, even after yellowing.

Bucky kissed his brow, and closed his eyes for a moment. No pain. Steve truly didn't like it, so there would be no biting, no real hurting. And God, he'd kick himself for that for a long time yet. He should have known better...

“Love,” Steve breathed, and Bucky all but snapped to attention, petting Steve's cheek and smiling when he opened his eyes. “That was amazing,” Steve murmured, still drowsy, still shivering now and again.

you're amazing Bucky signed, and kissed Steve's brow, grinning when he started to squirm a little. Sweet boy.  Bucky  groped for a water bottle and helped Steve drink, then lay him on the bed when he finished.  _ ready to get the ropes off? _

Steve nodded, and Bucky went to work , starting with Steve's arms. The quick-release cords let him unfold his arms, and Bucky carefully undid the ladders of ropes, pleased to see that while there were marks, they would fade soon. He freed Steve's hands and rubbed them a little, made him move his fingers and wrists.

Satisfied, he moved down to Steve's legs and undid the long rope there, freeing Steve's  feet last with a little tweak, and flopping between them to land on top of Steve, grinning at him.

“What the hell are you planning?” Steve asked, and Bucky gave a little wriggle, making him laugh. 

He kissed Steve's chest and rolled off to retrieve some scarves – mostly black, but with one bright blue among them. Bucky nudged Steve into sitting up, cross-legged, and mirrored him. He reached out with his left hand and took Steve's right, clasping it and weaving their fingers together, raising their arms so that they pressed together all along their forearms.

Bucky selected his first scarf, and tied it, one-handed, around their wrists, binding their arms together.

“Oh my God,” Steve said and swallowed hard. “Oh, Bucky.”

Bucky worked in his usual silence, feeling peaceful and gentle as he tied them together, freezing his arm in place. Perhaps he had missed this a little bit; it was nice to be  tied down , and to hold Steve's hand while he did it.

He bound their hands together first, then picked a different scarf to tie down their forearms, black then blue then black again, the swathes of fabric weaving back and forth, braiding around their arms.

“It's beautiful,” Steve said when he finished, and reached out with his free hand to stroke the soft silk. “Oh, Bucky. Bucky, it's  _ perfect _ .”

_ Now you can touch my left arm all you want _ Bucky typed shyly.  _ I won't stop you. Kiss, touch, whatever you want. _

“Are you sure?” Steve asked, and Bucky nodded. “Oh, Buck.” He leaned over and kissed where their hands clasped together. “Why now?”

_ Because you've earned it. Because it's dumb I still let it bother me. Because...I think I like it. I don't hate it, anyway. _

Steve laughed softly. “I'll take it. And it isn't dumb. You really got hurt, didn't you?”

Bucky nodded.  _ I broke my arm really badly. And cut it up  a lot – a lot of muscle damage. That's why it's thinner than the other. And why the scars.  I should have lost it, but got really lucky. _

“My Bucky,” Steve murmured, and laid them down, Bucky on top of him, their arms clasped between them. “ You're so good to me. So open, and so brave.”

Bucky made a face, but found that only got him a kiss. “You are,” Steve said firmly. “I can't imagine how scary that was.” He kissed the long scar that curved around Bucky's bicep, or what there was of it. “I'm so grateful you're alive,” he said quietly. 

Bucky squirmed a little, but didn't stop Steve. He seemed to stop on his own anyway, growing quiet, just occasionally kissing Bucky's shoulder, or their clasped hands.

They curled together, Bucky's iPad abandoned at the side of the bed, and played little games – first Steve kissed Bucky's cheek, then Bucky kissed Steve's. Then Bucky kissed right above Steve's heart, so Steve kissed Bucky's chest. Steve's turn meant he kissed one side of their bound arms, so Bucky kissed the other.

Then they experimented with how far apart they could get (not very), and played a kind of gentle tug-of-war. Steve found he was strong enough to yank hard and tumble Bucky into his arms, then roll over so the ribbon around his foot wrapped their legs together.

Bucky giggled and squirmed, tried to break free, and Steve laughed and chased him  across the bed, flopping onto him.

Bucky laughed harder, and tried to shove Steve off. To be honest, he didn't try very hard.

They played for a little longer, tickling and cuddling and wrestling, until Bucky had to pee and Steve was getting antsy.

_ Ready to get untied all the way? _ Bucky asked, and Steve nodded.

“It's been...God. I don't even have the words. But yeah.”

Bucky smiled and undid their arms, bemused when Steve exaggeratedly checked Bucky's forearm over, clearly mocking him for spending all day fussing over Steve. A quick bathroom break later, Bucky slowly undid the rope harness around Steve's chest, sliding the soft cotton rope out of its knots. Finally, he undid the ribbon around Steve's foot, and folded it and put it away.

And that was it. Steve went to the bathroom, and when he got back, they both changed into soft sweatpants and t-shirts, comfortable and soothing. They curled up together on the loveseat, just to make a change, and Steve rested his head on Bucky's shoulder.

Bucky petted his hair and kissed it, and ran his hand over Steve's back, rubbing a little to keep him warm.  _ Any aftercare requests? _

“ We should shower soon.  _ Apart _ . I've been in your  tiny  shower,” he teased. “Can I do something for you? Give you a massage or something?”

_ I'd like that. Thank you, love. _ Bucky kissed his cheek.  _ Something for yourself now, please. _

“Bucky, I spent all day tied up and with your full attention and, frankly, your imagination. I'm taken care of,” Steve said, a little bemused. “I promise if I think of something, I'll ask you.”

Bucky gave him a mock-glare, and kissed him rather sweetly.  Please he signed, and wrapped his arms a little more firmly around Steve's shoulders.

Steve laughed softly, but he didn't pull away, and rested his head on Bucky's shoulder again, quickly dozing off.

Bucky let his mind drift, falling into the peaceful state that he sometimes found after playing. Steve was warm and fed and taken care of, and he could rest now. He'd been good and  brought his lover bliss , made Steve feel safe and loved and sexy. He'd made them both happy, and now was the time to just  breathe, and let the glow of an amazing day wash over them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your comments and kudos.
> 
> I'm on tumblr at dietraumerei.tumblr.com. In addition to shrieking about Hamilton, Sebastian Stan and, y'know, Steve and Bucky, I will occasionally post little ficlets set in my various universes. But mostly the shrieking, tbh :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we begin, a gentle bit of meta, since I see it coming up in the comments: unless something radically changes, whatever happened to Bucky to make him stop talking won't actually ever be revealed in this story. This is a pretty conscious decision on my part based on: 1) the character *does not talk about it*, ever, and everyone in Bucky's life respects this 2) it just...doesn't fit in the story? It's Bucky's past, and his present is so much bigger and has so much more going on. He lives with the disability, but the thing that caused it just...isn't something he needs to deal with, and 3) nothing I write will be as terrible as what you can imagine.
> 
> Another note: there is discussion of a past abusive relationship at the end of this chapter, which some readers may wish to skip.

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Hah, thanks for that selfie of you on my ass ;) I love you too._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Jesus you take your sweet time checking your phone!_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _And you're welcome._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I'm going through the photos I took of you. Steve, you're exquisite._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Aw, shut up. You just do good work._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _< IMG234323.jpg>_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Okay, that's pretty nice._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _PRETTY NICE._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I'm jerking off to it right now._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Oh my God_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Oh my God you so are_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Fuck me. Bucky I am ON THE SUBWAY_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Just thinking of your mouth on my cock_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _BUCKY_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _The way you were so hungry for it_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _BUCKY FOR REAL STOP_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _steve steve steve_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _god i'm so hard_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _steve_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _jesus god buck I had to put my phone away_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _i'll be nice and send you the pic I took later :P_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _are you being nice to send it to me, or being nice to not do it WHEN I AM ON THE WAY TO AN IMPORTANT MEETING_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _both_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I am the best boyfriend_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _oh is that what you think?_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _uh huh_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _hang on gotta change my pants_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _MOTHER OF JESUS_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _mwahahahahaha_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _hey get me a mocha if you get to the cafe first tonight?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _thanks!_

 

“Here's your stupid mocha,” was how Steve greeted his boyfriend.

Bucky snickered, and tasted sweet, sweet victory.

_Thanks honey! You're the best!_

“I actually hate you.”

Bucky smiled beatifically,  and settled down at his usual table, which was now his and Steve's usual table.

_Hey, no crutches!_

“Oh yeah – went to get checked today and I'm okay to start putting weight on my ankle. I'm supposed to use 'em if I'm, like, walking across town or something, but I'm cleared for short walks.” Steve grinned. “I said I'd been off my feet all weekend.”

_of course you did._

Steve laughed, and leaned in to kiss Bucky's cheek. “He didn't need to know it was because I was getting my brains fucked out,” he whispered in Bucky's ear.

Bucky sighed deeply, and made a face at Steve.

“When are you leaving for Thanksgiving?”

_Tomorrow. Pray for me in all the holiday traffic_

Steve smiled, and reached for Bucky's hand, squeezing it just a little. “Drive safe, okay?”

_Yes Ma._

“Fine, I won't care about you then.” Steve poked Bucky in the forehead. “By the way, I've got at least sketches for everything you've written so far, wanna see?

_Yes! Holy shit, Steve, you're amazing!_

“Aw, I just like working on this.” Steve rubbed the back of his neck. “What you've written is...really special,” he said softly. “I love how you make the Soldier totally ruthless, and maybe not a good man, but one I can love. One I can understand.”

Bucky blushed a little.  _He's so interesting! Cap is too – he's a Good Man who thinks he isn't. And who isn't, really, in a lot of ways. But they're super-personal, so it almost doesn't count._

“Whereas the Soldier is good in those very personal, very _interpersonal_ ways,” Steve said slowly. “That's why Cap loves him. Because he's a good person who can do bad things for good reasons. And Cap can't, but he admires that ability.”

Bucky nodded.  _Cap can only see past the end of his nose if a population where n is >10 or something is involved. Or the Soldier._

“But _why_?” Steve murmured. “Why do they burn the world for each other?”

_We have to know, but not reveal til later. We know they've known each other most of their lives_ .

“And that Soldier knew Skinny Cap,” Steve agreed. “We know that there's something between them, some great wall. Or secret.” He smiled and reached for Bucky's hand, twining their fingers together. “They should tie each other up. That breaks down walls.”

Bucky's eyes softened, and he leaned in and kissed Steve, brief but tender, and rubbed his thumb along the back of Steve's hand.  _Making yourself completely vulnerable to your lover will do that._

“Accepting that trust and giving your lover everything he never even knew he wanted will do that.”

_Stop getting mushy in public. We have a comic book to write!_

Steve grinned, and mussed Bucky's hair. “Right. Now, about their sex scene.”

Bucky's expression was so gleeful, Steve couldn't stop laughing for whole minutes.

 

***

 

**Steve tattooed guy:** _< IMG98457.jpg>_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _oh my god._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _nice buttplug._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _you never told me you liked assplay :(_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _eh, it's not a big thing. but I was in the mood today_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _so_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _so you're wearing it right now_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _yup!_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _um_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _um_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _just doin' chores_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _doing the dishes_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _with my buttplug_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _um_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _god it feels good_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _been like half-hard all day_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _is this revenge?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _no no no_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _just wanted to let my boyfriend know my cock is aching_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _this is revenge_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _certainly not james_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _oh god I wish I could get off_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _TOO BAD COCKRING_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _IMG23432.jpg_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _This is because I am in Vermont and will be until Saturday isn't it_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _certainly not, that would be mean._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _I am never mean_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _nor retaliatory_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _oooh, now i'm fully hard, just thinkin' bout you  
_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I hate you_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _i'm thinking of you as I get off, bucky_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _thinking of your mouth_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _your hands_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _IMG23423.jpg_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _fuck_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _fuck_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _fuck_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _oh god this feels good_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _steve_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _oh god_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _bucky_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _look_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _IMG4554.jpg_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _steve_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _steve i'm not even joking_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I just came_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _hah_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _revenge is sweet_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _yeah yeah wait'll I have you in front of me again._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _gonna tie you up and fuck your mouth and see who's happy then._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _ME ME I WILL BE HAPPY_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _oh my god, I just laughed so hard._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Love you, Stevie._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Love you too, Buck._

 

***

 

“Right, tell us everything about him.”

Bucky faced down three hungry-looking sisters, and reached for the bottle of vodka.

“God, you're still so dramatic,” Jennifer sighed. “I swear to God, Bucky, you were _born_ dramatic.”

Bucky grinned at her, and poured them all drinks – all except Becca, of course. He settled back on the sofa, a sister to either side and Emma leaning over Jennifer's shoulder, and pulled out his iPad.

“We're really happy for you, you know,” Emma said. “Just wanted to get that in before the mocking starts.”

Bucky smiled at her. Growing up mute had been harder than he liked to remember, but having three overprotective sisters, even when one was barely out of toddlerhood when he stopped talking, had made it considerably easier.

Jennifer's 'Little Talk' with Bucky's new romantic partners had become the stuff of legend.

Becca wrapped her arm around his shoulders, and Bucky started the typing program where they could all read over his shoulders.

_He's great. I mean you know that, but he's really...guys, he's special. I can't wait for you to meet him._

“I am going to be ill,” Becca announced to the world, and giggled when Jennifer pinched her.

_Oh ha ha. Seriously. So, I never told you how we met._

“No, you didn't,” Emma said, eyes narrowing. “ _Why_?”

_Some guys were being dicks and trying to beat me up, and he basically stumbled across us and helped me fight them off._ Bucky typed quickly and winced, waiting for the full force of the Barnes Sisters Protection Squad.

“ _What_?” Jennifer squawked. “What the fuck? I hope you punched them. You remember what I taught you, right?”

“Oh, Bucky, no.” Emma looked like she was going to cry for a second, and Bucky pulled her over Jen and into a hug. “ _Please_ tell me you and he were both okay?”

Becca just nodded slowly. “Yeah. Yeah, I see what you mean, Buck.”

Bucky laughed silently and cuddled Emma for another moment – his sensitive little sister who would be crying even as she used herself as a human shield against bullies. She and Steve were going to be best friends about six femtoseconds after meeting.

_Okay, in age order: Yes I punched them I am a good puncher thank you Jennifer Annabelle Barnes. We were fine Emma-girl, just a little sore, but no lasting harm done at all and anyway it worked out for the best – we got to talking because he made me come home with him so he could ice me up. Becks – yeah. He didn't save me or anything, but we worked together._

Jennifer nodded slowly. “I get it. So tell us more! What's he like to do?”

Light bondage and comeplay, Bucky did _not_ say, because _sisters_.

_He's a comics artist, so he draws A LOT, he's amazing at sketching people. We'll sit in the cafe and he'll just do these little studies, it's great. And we're writing a comic book together! Well, I'm writing, he's doing the art, but we're working out the story together. And we keep meaning to go hiking together, but stuff keeps coming up._ Hopefully  not anymore though; Steve was walking easily now, and they'd wandered all over Brooklyn  after getting coffee and he hadn't even limped by the end of the day.

“You should have brought him up here!”

_Sorry Em! But he's all his mother's got, and they wanted to spend t'giving together._

“Bring her too,” Emma pointed out and grinned. “Seriously. Bring him up, you guys can play in the mountains all weekend. I'll only make you babysit like one day.

_uh huh. I promise we'll take May and Grace out and only give them a little sugar._

“Indiana's pretty sweet too,” Jennifer said. “Just putting that out there.”

Bucky grinned and elbowed her.  _I promise we'll make the Barnes Sisters Rounds._ He sipped his vodka, and returned to typing.  _So yeah. Mostly we just hang out and watch tv or read together. he's really good at letting me be quiet when I need it._

“Well I'd damn well hope so,” Jennifer mumbled.

_He's amazing. He understands. And he's learning ASL for me._

“Aww, that's good to hear,” Becca said. “Tell him if he wants to practice, I'll come into the city and take him out sometime.”

_Stop stealing my boyfriends BECCA. But I will. It might be good – he's really self-conscious around me. it's kind of annoying sometimes; he's deaf in one ear but always refused to learn ASL and I think he's kind of got this weird awkward thing aroudn it. I kinda think if he didn't have the hearing aide, he would have learned a lot sooner._

“It sounds like he's got a lot going on,” Jennifer said, with unusual gentleness. “Be patient with him, okay Bucky? Remember, he didn't have his own security detail in high school.” She rolled her eyes as three identical pairs of blue eyes turned to her. “Oh, don't be so surprised that the angry bitch sister has some compassion.”

“Dude, I will never be surprised at your compassion,” Emma said, and Bucky nodded hard in agreement. Jennifer's fighty shell hid someone who loved just as deeply as Emma did, just not as openly.

Jennifer shrugged. “I just...look, honesty hour. You're fucked up about a lot, Bucky. Not the voice thing, but other things. And it's only fair to understand when other people have things they're fucked up about. You know?”

Bucky nodded slowly. _I know. Thank you for the reminder. I think._

Becca laughed at the dry look on his face. “Just keepin' you grounded, kid.”

_KID???_ If there was one rule in the world, it was that his baby sister was not allowed to call him a kid.

“Kid,” Becca confirmed. “You're gonna be the only one of us without offspring soon, so you're a damned kid.”

_uh huh see what you're saying the next time you need a babysitter._

“I'll say 'Bucky, please can we come visit and John and I'll dump Jamie, Vita and Deborah with you for the weekend while we go to an actual adult restaurant',” Jennifer said. “And you'll say 'Yes! Please! I need nibling time' and when I come pick them up, after the exquisite bliss of spending _multiple_ contiguous hours with my spouse where we talked about adult things, they will love you more than they love us.”

_Eh, sounds accurate._

 

***

 

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Okay for real_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _my finger is hovering over my camera function_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _UGH FOR REAL BUCKY_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _for reasons known only to the lord my mother wants you to come over for dinner tomorrow_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _will you be there?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _um, yes, obviously?_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _eeeeenh, I'll think about it._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Oh ha ha_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _my boyfriend the comedian everyone._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I will have you know I kill at standup._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _I will not make a mime joke I will not make a mime joke_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I actually love you right now_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _(also really good mime takes WORK, respect.)_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _bucky, I love you too. if you mime at me, though, I am leaving you._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _eh, that's fair._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _ANYWAY_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _yes, I would be delighted to join your mother for dinner tomorrow_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _cool, i'll let her know. you're in indiana for christmas right?_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _yeah_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _i'm sorry baby_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _i'll be back on the 30 th and we'll have new years together._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _aw, it's okay_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _it's not your fault you have a family ;)_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _oh my god now I feel like a shit_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _don't!_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _seriously_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _mom and I are used to it just being us._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _:*_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _:* you too baby._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _does your mom not even have siblings?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Nope. She and dad were only children_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _and my grandparents died when I was young._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _And your parents had just you..._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Yeah. Well, sort of._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Technically I have/had an older sister but she died when she was only a few days old. I came along a few years later._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Oh my God, Stevie. I'm so sorry. That's awful._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Thanks, Bucky, but it's really okay. I never knew her. And, I guess for obvious reasons, Mom rarely talks about her._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Still. Love you._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Love you too, Bucky._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _You wanna share my nieces and nephews?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Are you serious?_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Yeah!_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _YES_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _How many?_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _You are now an uncle five times over._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _you're kidding_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I am not. Jennifer has three, Emma two. And Becca's expecting :)_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _she just found out!_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _Congratulations! You're gonna be an uncle. Again :)_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _Yup! For real, next time the babies are in town, we'll play Doting Uncles and spoil them_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _omg omg omg omg omg we can take them to the Brooklyn Children's Museum and Prospect Park and FAO Schwartz and for pizza and ice cream. we can take them to the museum of natural history. I CAN BUY BABY CLOTHES_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I have created a monster_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _buckyyyyyy I wanna hang out with your tiny child relatives_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _I am laughing so hard right now_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _you will. I promise._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _oh my god you're adorable._

**Steve tattooed guy:** _:*_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _dweeb._

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _hey I gotta run. what time do you wanna meet tomorrow?_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _the usual? we can get our coffee and then go to Mom's_

**Bucky Coffeeshop Cell:** _cool. see you then. love you_

**Steve tattooed guy:** _love you too xo_

 

Bucky greeted Steve with a huge hug, snuggling close for a moment. It was freezing out, the first real cold snap of winter, and the icy air still clung to Steve's coat.

“Hey,” Steve murmured. They hadn't had a chance to see each other for a few days, and apparently this meant that Bucky turned into a total dweeb.

He jumped when a cool mist hit the back of his head, and turned to see Clint standing there with a little spray bottle, _the kind you disciplined cats with_ , and a smirk. “No PDA lasting longer than thirty seconds.”

Steve crossed his arms. “Is this because I ate your ice cream?”

“No. Well, yes. But also you're gross.”

Bucky stuck his tongue out, and hugged Steve again – though quickly, this time. The spraybottle was _cold_.

“How was Vermont?” Steve asked, when they both got settled.

_Good! My sisters all want to meet you._

“Um. Good?”

Bucky grinned at him.  _It's good, I promise. They really like you_ .

“They...do?”

_You're good to me and make me happy. They like you._

Steve blushed furiously. “Uh. Great. Good. That's, um. Really good.”

Bucky took pity and changed the subject.

 

* * *

 

“You know, I never knew that a gentle dom was a thing?” Steve said, without preamble.

Bucky reached over and wrapped his hand around the back of Steve's neck gently, stroking a little with his thumb. Apparently 'while Bucky is dealing with North Jersey traffic on the way home from his boyfriend's mother's house' was when Steve felt most comfortable talking about these things. Well, all right then.

“There was a woman I had an arrangement with in college. And she was great! But we weren't even really friends – just scratched an itch for each other. So it was fine. Awesome, actually. But I would've liked more. Maybe she would have too,” Steve mused. “We just weren't right to date each other, you know?”

Bucky nodded, and moved his hand so he could switch lanes. He put it back on Steve's leg, rubbing against the soft denim.

“So she was good, but it was kind of clinical. And then, um, there was Brock.”

Bucky squeezed lightly.

“Brock was...okay, yeah, he was an asshole,” Steve said, sounding a little ashamed. “Sam knew him. Sam...does not like Brock.”

Bucky made a mental note to take Sam out for a drink very soon and shake him down for everything he knew.

“He's just kinda rough around the edges is all,” Steve said, and Bucky mentally snorted. “Hot as fuck, gotta give him that. And he was...he wasn't bad to me or anything.”

Bucky squeezed Steve's leg again, and desperately wished that they were not having this conversation on the Garden State Parkway. In a car. That Bucky was driving. Which meant he couldn't really reply. Which was probably the whole reason Steve was actually talking about it, so fuck his life.

“He was a really...charismatic top? You know?”

Oh. One of _those_.

“It was something to submit to him,” Steve said quietly. “He pretty much demanded total submission. It was really hard for me, but I liked making him proud. I guess I liked pushing myself, and he really worked it out of me.”

Bucky carefully turned off all of his emotions. It was a trick he had. He just listened, instead.

“And he did aftercare and all that stuff, but it wasn't his favorite thing.”

Bucky calmly took the next exit. Sure, why not have this conversation in a shitty parking lot in December in a rental car in Weehawken?  It was slightly better than having this conversation on a highway filled with the worst drivers in the known universe.

“So, I mean. He wasn't, like, _abusive_. He didn't hit me or anything, I mean, not without clearing it with me first.”

Bucky managed the last few minutes of driving on instinct, mostly because he was dealing with not showing the white-hot fury that Steve's words brought up in him.

“And I was dumb to stay. I mean, I know it's hard to leave a relationship like that. And I guess I'm glad I left him eventually. I mean, I'm really glad I left him! Because now I've got you! But you know what I mean?”

Bucky pulled into a spot away from the crowd of parked cars and nodded as he put the car into park. He turned then, and held out his arms, not in the least surprised when Steve all but  dropped into them. He traced a heart onto the middle of Steve's back and kissed his shoulder, and held him tight, tight. His Stevie, who would not be hurt in such ways again.

“'m sorry,” Steve whispered, and Bucky shook his head and traced another heart on Steve's back.

“So I didn't know it could be playful and fun. I mean, I _knew_ , but not...like it is.” Steve coughed. “I didn't think I'd be the center of your world.”

Bucky was probably crying, and there was no way he was letting go, but Steve didn't seem to be pulling away either. The car ticked as it cooled, and they held each other for a long time, until Bucky could finally relax his arms and move away enough to kiss Steve's cheeks, his brow, finally his mouth.

thank you he signed.  I a-m r-e-a-l-l-y a-n-g-r-y a-t b-r-o-c-k. he fingerspelled carefully, to make sure Steve understood.  Then finally pulled out his iPad.

_ What he did to you was not your fault, never was. sam tells you all the time that he  really did abuse you, right? _

“Actually, he stopped telling me, because I'm kind of shitty about it,” Steve admitted, and Bucky was only a little shocked  at himself  when he started laughing.

_My Stevie, a pain in the ass? Never!_

“Yeah yeah. It's a miracle anyone ever speaks to me,” Steve said, and wiped his eyes.

_yeah, can't imagine why so many people love you. why we all love you so much, all your friends and your mother and me._

Steve blushed, and Bucky pulled him in for another hug, then kissed the top of his head.

_that was hard to talk about._

“Yeah. It's...complicated,” Steve said.

Bucky did not see how it was complicated. He'd probably have to do a little research on how to reduce Brock to a small pile of disparate molecules while ensuring he suffered as much as possible – the rage was definitely still there – but the  _ situation  _ was pretty simple .

He stopped himself, because Steve was right, and should be listened to, and that's what Bucky was good at.

_ I'll try to be easy for you, at least. I love you. I'm a gentle!dom through and through, and I love tying you up and making you the center of my everything, and making you scream with pleasure. And I love that  YOU get off on  letting me get you off . That's pretty much it in a nutshell. _

Steve smiled shyly, and curled up a little in his seat. “I  _ love _ making you happy and pleased with me.”

Oh, a praise kink. Bucky should have guessed.  Good God, he should have known about forty seconds after meeting Steve, because  _ of course _ Steve had a praise kink.

_ You're so so sos ososososososoososSOSOSOSOSO good! You're exactly  EXATACLY what I want from a sub. you're YOU. I like that you have fire and you're a little bratty and you're funny and playful and I love that you send me dick pics and you're SOSOSOSOSOSOSOSO SO S O SO good at subbing! I wish we were both exhibitionists, so I could show you off the world. _

Steve giggled, and hid his face. “Bucky...”

_ too late got me started, not gonna stop. _

“You have a kink for making me blush,” Steve accused.

_...i might, actually._

_ can we spend the night together? just to sleep, we're both tired, but stevie, I need you close.  preferably literally on top of me. please? _

“Yeah. Oh, Bucky, of course,” Steve said, and finally seemed to become aware of where they were. “Are we at a rest stop?”

_ No, i'm still driving _ Bucky typed dryly, and stuck his tongue out, making Steve laugh.

“Oh, shut up. Guess I'm a little dumb tonight.”

_ No love, just distracted.  you did a really brave thing.  We'll be home soon ok? My place or yours? _

“Your bed is nicer,” Steve admitted, and Bucky smiled and kissed him one more time before he started the car up. “ But I swear to God, I'm going to clean your place one of these days. How do you  _ find _ anything?”

Bucky did the ' _ magic' _ fingers from Arrested Development, and Steve cracked up, and they made it all the rest of the way home and changed into pyjamas and into bed before  Bucky let himself be sad and angry again.

Steve dropped off to sleep as soon as the lights were out and he was curled up in Bucky's arms, head pillowed on  his shoulder. He slept deeply, trusting and sweet, and Bucky buried his face in Steve's  hair . If he cried a little, no one needed to know. His poor darling. He would be a thousand times better than he had been, really make sure Steve knew what it was to be loved and petted and treated properly, in the bedroom and out of it. 

It took a little longer, and Steve waking up briefly for a sleepy kiss, but Bucky finally drifted off, and they both slept though the night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading and hope you enjoy! And if anyone has any particular prompts for this 'verse, do go for it... :)
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeep! I didn't realize it had been quite so long since I updated this -- I do apologize. The good news is, the next chapter will come much quicker. Until then, enjoy!

_Oh man. I mean, I take a lot of comfort in being silent already._

“Shut up, Bucky.”

_It's kind of my thing actually. So EVEN ON TOP OF THAT_

“Shut _up_ , Bucky.”

_EVEN ON TOP OF THAT I am extremely comforted that I will never shriek Neil DeGrasse Tyson's name in front of all of my housemates, including one housemate's extremely attractive girlfriend who has just walked into the room_

“Die in a hole, Bucky.”

_If you had asked me, “Bucky, is there anythign that could distract from the moment we all learn that your ex is dating Clint?” I would have said no. Nat's pretty much a black hole for distractions._

“Fuck every part of my entire life.”

_But you did it, Steviekins!_

“Never call me that again.”

_I'm pretty sure Nat never expected to walk in on her ex's current love screaming an astrophysicist's name while watching Gravity Falls._

Steve just gently curled up in a tiny ball, face-down, in the middle of his bed, while Bucky cackled.

Bucky finally took pity and sat down beside Steve, gently petting his back.

“'m sorry.”

Bucky leaned over and kissed the back of Steve's neck.

“You got good taste by the way. Nat's awesome.”

_Honey, I KNOW I have good taste_ . Bucky shoved his phone into the Steve-ball so he could read it.

“Really? I'd question that myself.” Steve smiled wryly and uncurled, rolling over onto his side. “Hi.”

Bucky leaned over and kissed him, just a little one.  Hi

“Bucky, you know how sometimes I'm a giant fucking moron about stuff?”

_I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about._

“'m sorry if I made things weird with you and Nat.”

Bucky's face softened .  Oh,  _oh_ . This is what Steve was worrying about.

_You didn't. you COULDN'T. you're my boy now, love. you belong with me, and me with you._

“I know! I mean, I know. I just. I'm weird.”

_Because I am the portrait of normalcy?_

“Don't want you to be embarrassed by me,” Steve mumbled.

_I never could. ever. don't ever even think that._ Bucky sighed, and stroked Steve's back.  _you have shit self-esteem_

“Well, yeah.” Steve blushed. “Sorry, this is self-centered even for me.”

_Yeah, kinda._

“I love you?”

_I love you too, Steve. I love you very much. But calm your tits._

Steve laughed, and blushed. “Calming tits. Sorry.”

Bucky smiled and stroked his cheek.  _remember you always have a part of me on you_ he typed, and  touched the bracelet around Steve's wrist.

Steve's shoulders visibly relaxed, and he sighed, sinking into the bed. “Bucky, c'mere and let me love on you?”

Bucky flopped down on top of Steve, making him laugh, and they kissed lazily. It was late and they were both tired, so sleep was far more likely than sex, but still. There was comfort in this, just touching because they could, Steve sighing happily when he wrapped all around Bucky.

Bucky ran his fingertips through Steve's hair and kissed his cheek, trailing his mouth to Steve's ear and biting the lobe so, so gently.

Steve giggled at the tickling, and moaned a little when Bucky licked under and behind, the soft skin there extra-sensitive.

You okay?

Steve nodded. “Okay enough. This isn't your shit to deal with, Bucky.”

But I love you.

Steve smiled as he parsed the signs. “I love you too. I'll try to tell you, if I need you. Okay?”

Bucky nodded, and relaxed as Steve wrapped all around him, hugging him tightly. It felt good to be held like this. And the fact that he'd be away for almost a week – okay, it wasn't that long. But it would be the longest time they'd been apart since they met. Who  _ knew _ what kind of trouble Steve would get into, left to his own devices?

They fell asleep like that, curled up tight in the middle of the bed.

 

Steve finished the last line of the picture book he had run out _that day_ to pick up (after Bucky had reported, on Steve's request, Vita's current favorite book), and closed the cover.

Vita giggled and snuggled closer into Bucky's side.

“Bedtime for you now, miss,” Steve said firmly, and she shook her head. “Oh no. Your uncle told me that this was to be a bedtime story, which means it's bedtime. Maybe if you're good, he'll skype me tomorrow night too, and we can read it again?”

“Yeah!” Vita lay down, eyes shut tight. “I'm asleep. Bucky, tell him I'm asleep!”

_She is asleep_ Bucky typed, and Steve laughed. “Uh huh. Kiss your sleeping ni e ce goodnight for me, and we'll have story time again tomorrow.”

Bucky held the iPad so Steve could see the peck on Vita's cheek.  _Gonna tuck her in, call you back in five?_ he typed quickly.

_You got it._

Bucky pulled up the quilt and turned out the light, going upstairs to the guest bedroom in the attic. The other two kids were at sleepovers and Jennifer and  _her_ Steve had, if not exactly raced out the door when Bucky offered to babysit for a night, come pretty close. He was only staying for a few days, and while catching up with siblings was all well and good, there was facebook chat for that. Free babysitting was a gift worth treasuring.

Bucky curled up in his bed, the lights low and the attic room cozy and warm as he propped his iPad up on his knees and called Steve back.  _Hey gorgeous_

“Flattery will get you everywhere.” Steve grinned, sprawled on his stomach across his bed. “How was your Christmas?”

_Really good! Presents with kids and breakfast and getting drunk with Jennifer and skyping Becks and Emma. How about you?_

“Aw, that's nice. It was really quiet – just me and Mom, you know? Dinner. We watched A Charlie Brown Christmas. Yours sounds more fun, to be honest.”

_It's my turn to host next year, and you and your mother are invited, okay?_ Bucky touched the iPad lightly.  _missed you._

“Missed you too, baby,” Steve said, and reached his hand out too. “And yeah. It's too quiet, with just me and Mom. I want kids to spoil.”

_you got 'em!_ Bucky stretched a little – it was way too early to go to bed, but late enough that he was happy to just hunker down under the quilt.  _What else you been up to?_

“Issue one is now officially inked!” Steve cheered quietly. “Congratulations, now we've gotta start on two.”

_yay! incidentally, not htat I don't love art for art's sake, but will anyone READ issue one?_

“Well, there's a load of people on Tumblr who are interested,” Steve admitted. “I mean, when I put up the preview, it got a couple hundred likes and reblogs.”

_Wait, WHAT??? You have a Tumblr? You have fans? How do I not know about your fans??? I should be at the head of them, preferably wearing black leather and mounted, ready to lead them into battle. Or something._

“That,” Steve said dryly. “Is why I didn't mention it before.”

_SHOW ME YOUR FANDOM STEVEN GRANT ROGERS._

“They like your writing too,” Steve said mildly, sending Bucky a link. “And anyway, I thought you knew already.”

_Of course they love me, I am very lovable. I am more interested in people who appreciate you._

“I...think I'm flattered?” Steve laughed. “We should sell a few digital copies, anyway.”

_Sweet. Any ideas for issue 2?_

“We really need to figure out why there's this gulf between them. And show a part of it.”

_Cap owes the Soldier something. I mean, something other than his life, ten times over._

“They're even on that, really,” Steve agreed. “And Cap owes the Soldier something because...he _believes_ he fucked up, somewhere along the way. Whether he did or not doesn't matter.”

_He thought the Soldier died, once, and it almost killed him._

“Yeah,” Steve said softly, slowly. “It would. If he lost the Soldier...well, he's already pretty self-sacrificing. _”_

_He wouldn't want to be alive._

“No, he wouldn't.”

_And the Soldier would be absolutely furious with him about that._

Steve smiled. “You're right. He loves Cap so much, Cap giving up would...well, furious covers it.

Bucky smiled, a little sadly. _You've felt that too, right? Not wanting to be alive?_

“Yeah, Buck. A lot,” Steve admitted quietly. “It's good to write it out, though. You gonna be okay?”

_Yeah. I will be._

“Love you.”

Bucky smiled, and signed  I love you .  _What if we open with...Cap got hurt, bad. Even for him, bad, and the Soldier is angry at him._

“Yeah! What if we did like...you know those TV episodes that are all, like, real-time and filmed in one room or whatever?”

Bucky nodded, and started typing notes in another window. _We could totally do that. Or is it too soon? Do we need a more traditional story?_

“Nah. We've got indie cred and all.” Steve laughed. “This'll be really cool.”

_I'll even give you some flashbacks, make the drawing interesting._

“No, don't,” Steve said. “I have some ideas for playing with styles or whatever. Keep it all in that one room, just two men. And the entirety of their past.”

Bucky rubbed his hands gleefully.

“Uh huh,” Steve said, still cracking up. “Wrench my heart, darlin'.” He yawned, and grinned at Bucky. “You still good to go out New Year's Eve?”

Bucky nodded enthusiastically.  _Do you promise to not dress like a hobo?_

“I dress fine!” Steve paused. “All of my bits are covered.”

_If you're good, I'll have a treat for you on New Year's Day..._

Steve squirmed a little. “Bucky...”

Bucky smiled softly.  _My Stevie. MY Stevie._

“Uh huh,” Steve said, a little breathless. “My Bucky.”

Oh. Oh, he didn't expect that little shiver, and the wolfish grin on Steve's face. Three more days until he was back in New York was three too many.

_Can I just go straight to your place? When I get back in the city?_

“Please?” Steve smiled at him. “I'll have dinner waiting, okay?”

_You don't have to do that_

“Yeah, but I want to. And you're gonna be ravenous anyway.” Steve grinned at him, and curled up on his side. “'sides, you're a pain in the ass when you're hungry.”

_Oh, you WISH I was a pain in your ass._

“ _Bucky_. Don't _joke_ like that when you're hundreds of miles away! And in your sister's house!”

Bucky shrugged, and Steve groaned, and they teased and flirted and were generally gross for the next hour, until Steve was yawning too much, and Bucky made him go to bed.

He flipped back to Steve's Tumblr, after the last 'I love you's' and 'sleep well's', and started scrolling. Steve was good. He'd known that, really, but wow. Steve was  _good_ . Bucky thoroughly enjoyed himself, admiring his talented lover, until he got to one image that stopped him cold.

_Warmup sketch of dude at my local coffee place. He's gorgeous! Never talks, wonder why? anyway, he's good to practice on._

Of course it was a quick sketch of Bucky, hunched over behind his computer, hair half in his face and, frankly, looking hungover. And Steve had thought he was gorgeous.

It took a little searching to find the perma-link, but he e-mailed it to Steve.  _you can practice on me anytime sugar ;)_ Steve would probably actually expire when he realized what Bucky had found.

A job well done, Bucky turned off the lights, curled up, and fell fast asleep.

 

_**Steve:** Oh my God. I can't believe you found that._

_**Steve:** Of course you found it. Of COURSE. Because FML._

_**Steve:** Don't laugh at me but I hope you're not mad._

_**Steve:** The only reason I'm not panicking is that I'm pretty sure you're doing family stuff and you left your phone somewhere._

_**Steve:** Also if you were mad you'd tell me._

_**Steve:** SEE? I am improving as a person. I do it rarely, enjoy it._

_**Bucky:** Oh, I am._

_**Bucky:** I love it Stevie, you moron._

_**Bucky:** although I wish you'd picked a day I looked a little less greasy._

_**Steve:** you looked hot_

_**Steve:** you generally look hot._

_**Bucky:** Generally?_

_**Steve:** I've seen some exceptions..._

_**Bucky:** This right here is totally true love._

_**Steve:** I make no comment ;)_

_**Bucky:** Uh huh. Hey, you able to skype tonight? Vita wants her storytime, and the thrill of the computer voice has worn off, so I'm frankly old and boring._

_**Steve:** Well, she's not wrong._

_**Steve:** And yeah, I'm free for a quick story, though i'm meeting Sam at his folks' place in Bed-Stuy at 8._

_**Bucky:** cool, be sure to give him a hug for me._

_**Steve:** will do. gotta run baby, love you. talk to you later xo_

_**Bucky:** xxooxxooxxooxxooooooooooooooooo_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve shrieking Neil DeGrasse Tyson's name upon figuring out he was a voice actor in Gravity Falls is in no way based upon your humble author. At least I was alone when I got overexcited...
> 
> thanks as always for your kudos and comments!
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note -- I'll be travelling between Christmas and the 4th of January and won't have my computer with me. I will REALLY REALLY REALLY try to get a new chapter up before I leave, but if I don't -- see you in the New Year!

Bucky let himself into Steve's apartment and waved to Sam and Clint. And grinned when Steve's hand appeared over the back of the sofa, waving frantically. Oh yeah, it was good to be back. He sauntered over, knelt by the sofa, and gave Steve a very, very thorough kiss.

He was pretty sure someone threw something at the back of his head, but majestically did not care.

“Hi,” Steve said, more than a little dazed.

Bucky grinned, and touched the edge of the heating pad Steve was lying on. Bad day?

Steve shrugged. “Okay. Not great. Not bad like in-my-head bad.”

Bucky nodded, and kissed his forehead.

Clint made a gagging sound, so of _course_ Bucky got up and went over to plop himself in Clint's lap and wrap his arms around his shoulders, widening his eyes and trying to look adorable.

“I did not miss you at all,” Clint informed him.

I didn't miss YOU, sweetcheeks . Bucky pouted a little, and blew Clint an air-kiss while Sam actually expired, at least from the sound of it.

“ Clint, stop sexually harassing my boyfriend,” Steve called from the sofa.

“Me? _Me_? I'm the victim here!” Clint yelped, while Bucky made eyes at him and Sam died again.

His work done, Bucky bussed the top of Clint's head, gave him a genuine hug (and got one in return), and hauled himself up to hug Sam hello, and then cuddle up on the floor by Steve. He turned on the text-to-voice app on his iPad, and leaned into Steve's hand resting on the crown of his head.

They caught up with each other, discussing their holidays – Sam with his family in Bed-Stuy, Clint hanging out at a dog shelter, Steve with his mother and Bucky with his sister and nieces. He proudly showed off pictures of them, and included a screenshot he'd taken showing Steve reading to Vita, who was curled up in Bucky's lap.

“Awwww,” Sam cooed. “Steve, you never read me bedtime stories.”

“Did you ever ask? No.” Steve pouted.

Bucky looked pointedly at Clint.

“What? I think it's cute.” He shrugged when all three of them turned to stare. “I don't _always_ have to give you losers a hard time.”

Bucky tilted his head to one side, and started to snicker silently.

“What? _What_?” Sam all but begged.

“I know why Clint isn't teasing,” Bucky (via American Male text-to-voice) announced.

“Oh, shit,” Clint said.

“Oh my God,” Sam announced to the world.

“Bucky, I will give you any sexual favor you ask if you tell us why,” Steve said.

“You would do that anyway,” Bucky pointed out, making sure to turn the volume on the speakers up.

“ _Shit_ ,” Clint said, growing a little redder.

“Why the cussing? There's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just that your girlfriend likes being read to when she's falling asleep. You're just being a really good boyfriend.”

“Awwww,” Sam cooed.

“That is _adorable_ ,” Steve announced from the sofa. “Bucky, will you read to me?”

Bucky gave him a very dry look.

“Bucky, will you turn on your Dragon speech app for me?” Steve tried again. When Sam was distracted teasing Clint, he touched Bucky's shoulder, then his cheek, smiling softly when Bucky met his eyes. “Love you,” he mouthed.

“Love you too,” Bucky mouthed back, and grinned. No hurt – not when he _could_ turn on the text-to-speech app, or put on an audiobook, and spend the time snuggling under the covers, finding new places to kiss Steve. Technology reading aloud for him was the best thing.

“Now that we have established that I am awesome to date,” Clint began, and Bucky threw a pillow at him. “ _Now that we have established that_ ,” he continued, dignity more or less intact, “and as we are all gathered here, what the fuck are we doing for New Year's? I vote not getting out of pajamas myself.”

“I have a bottle of bourbon and I might be persuaded to share it,” Sam announced. “Also, is it significant others only, or can I not be the only single loser under the roof?”

“Aw, Sam, you're not single,” Bucky typed quickly, and winked at him. “The bourbon counts as your date. I'll bring a bottle too.”

“Bucky can come!”

“Well, yes, since it's my roof too, I thought I'd invite my boyfriend,” Steve said dryly. “And yeah, Jesus. Invite whoever you want, guys. We can get a couple poker games going, if nothing else.”

“Wanda will probably come,” Clint said. “And, uh, Natasha.”

“Dude, we broke up like eight years ago,” Bucky said, desperately missing the power of inflection. “It's cool. Thumbs-up-emoji.” He sighed and looked at his iPad while Clint genuinely laughed.

“Cool. Good. Um. Who else are we friends with?”

“Literally only everyone in this room,” Steve said dryly. “Bucky, d'you think Becca would come?”

“Maybe? If she's in the city anyway, definitely. I'll ask her.” He gave Steve a little poke in the leg, and texted him privately. _You have other friends, douchebag. Don't pretend to me like you're not loved, you are._

“Wanda said she'll come, and also can she bring her brother and her boyfriend. She has a boyfriend?” Clint asked the world, looking up from his phone.

“Yes, you unobservant asswipe,” Sam informed him. “His name is Vision, he's weird, but not in a bad way?”

“You just described everyone in this room. Well, mostly,” Bucky corrected himself.

“Precisely. I am not weird,” Clint said, and stuck his tongue out in response to Bucky's eye-roll.

“Pretend I am making fart noises at you,” Bucky advised, and Clint just looked a little confused.

“That...doesn't take vocal chords?”

Bucky shrugged. “I don't like making any sounds.”

“Whatever you say, man. Fart noises imagined.”

“I hope you know that you are disgustingly well-adjusted,” Sam informed Bucky, who grinned proudly, and as cheesily as possible.

“I've been through more therapy hours than you've held,” he informed Sam, who laughed – but who also caught Bucky's eye when Steve and Clint were distracted by discussing Wanda's brother, and gave him a discreet thumbs-up, and one of his wide, warm, 'I'm-proud-of-you' grins. Bucky was more than happy to accept it.

Guest list completed (Thor, the new hire at Avengers Cafe, was also invited, plus whoever they thought of in the next day who didn't already have plans), then party plans completed (good liquor, some mixers, a few decks of cards and Netflix), Bucky graciously provided his Amazon password and they spent the next few hours main-lining 70's spy films.

 

They went to bed after Steve fell asleep on the sofa and woke up to Bucky wrestling Sam to the floor before he could draw something on Steve's face.

Steve informed the room that he did not sign up for this life, gathered up his heating pad, and made as dramatic an exit as he could, sweeping down the hall. He held himself stiffly still, but it did sort of add to the effect.

“Ugh, go sex him up, he's been moping around since you left,” Sam announced, shoving Bucky off of him.

_You're just jealous_ .

“Oh you fuckin' wish you didn't have to share a bed with the human octopus.”

Bucky paused, and reviewed what Sam said.

“Oh no. No no. Your boy's handsome, but pretty completely not my type.” Sam smiled, and patted Bucky's shoulder. “He has hard days sometimes, y'know?”

Bucky nodded, and gave Sam his best smile.

“Get out of my face and go suck his,” Sam said. “I'll wait for Clint to fall asleep and then draw all over him.”

“Aww, you're not even creative about it,” Clint announced from the armchair where he was already mostly asleep.

Bucky followed Steve down the hall, already sort of looking forward to seeing what Clint would look like in the morning.

He found Steve already in bed, lying on his back, but looking sweet and happy. “Hey,” he said softly, and Bucky smiled, all but running across the little room to crawl in beside Steve, very carefully wrapping his arms around his boyfriend.

“Hi, you,” Steve murmured, and hugged him back. “Missed you.”

Bucky nodded, and tapped Steve's back – he  _had_ missed him, and kissed him, trying to show what he couldn't say. Steve was so much of his life, now.

“Oh, Buck.” Steve sighed into his mouth. “Wish I was feelin' better, the things I'd do to you...”

Bucky smiled, and nipped very lightly at Steve's lips, then kissed him tenderly. He rubbed Steve's belly, then dipped his hand further, just under the waistband of his sweatpants. Bucky was extremely pleased to find that Steve had not bothered with underwear.

He wrapped his hand around Steve's cock, just holding for the moment, and leaned over for another kiss. Steve nodded, and Bucky started working his hand, pressing kisses to Steve's jaw, throat, a little kiss for his ear that made Steve laugh.

The orgasm came easy, sweet as anything, Bucky catching Steve's spend in his hand and laying kisses along his collarbone.

Steve sighed softly, something in him relaxing, and  he turned his head, searching for Bucky 's mouth .

“Welcome home, baby,” he murmured into the kiss. “Missed you.”

Bucky nodded hard, desperate to show how much he had missed Steve, how he loved him. He finally pulled his hand out of Steve's pants, and grinned when Steve grabbed it and started to lick, tiny darts of his tongue.

Steve kissed the band tattooed around his wrist almost rever e ntly. “Someday, will you tell me the story of why you got this?” he  asked , and Bucky nodded. “Tired of talking, love?”

Another nod, this one a little shyer.

“S'okay. I know how to make you happy.” Steve grinned and rolled onto his side, slipping one arm under Bucky's head to hold him close and give him a little something to rest on. He unzipped Bucky's jeans with his other hand, palming him through his briefs to start with. “Your silence is gorgeous, baby.” A soft kiss. “You don't need me to tell you that. But I love you, and all the ways you find to make yourself understood. I love you so much.” More kisses, flowing one to the other, soft and easy, and Steve's hand around his cock was the opposite of frantic. They had all the time in the world, and it _felt_ like it took about that long, Bucky suspended in this sweet, yearning place while Steve kissed him and occasionally murmured something  mushy, or loving, or hot, or all three.

He barely noticed when he came, just that there was a feeling of relief, and of rest. Bucky was vaguely aware of Steve cleaning them both off, and had at least enough presence of mind to wriggle out of his jeans. He pushed Steve down to lie on his back, and curled into his side.

“My Bucky,” Steve murmured, running a hand up and down Bucky's back, warming him. “Gonna be okay with the heating pad sharing the bed with us, sweetheart?”

Bucky nodded.  anything you need, i'm okay

“Oh, baby. C'mon, you had a long day, and we kept you up,” Steve said, and pulled his duvet over them. He'd gotten a new cover for it, a flannel one, and Bucky seriously contemplated never leaving his boyfriend's bed, ever.

And then, between one breath and the next, he fell asleep, his head pillowed on Steve's chest, half-sprawled across him.

 

He woke up to Steve stroking his hair, soft and sweet and nice. It was easy to snuggle under the thick quilt, kissing wherever his head landed, and smile when Steve chuckled and hugged him back.

“Morning,” he whispered, and Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve a little tighter. “Still feeling quiet?”

Bucky shrugged. He'd be okay, but this was nice.

“I'll get up and make us coffee in a minute. Wanna enjoy you first.”

Bucky grinned, and tilted his head up for a morning breath-y kiss.

“I dreamed you talked. Again,” Steve said, holding Bucky's gaze with eyes gone soft. “We were lying together in the dark, and you kissed me, and said you loved me. You kept repeating that, even after I said I knew, it was okay, you should go to sleep. You told me that I was special, that I made you happy. And you sang to me, just little nonsense words, until I fell asleep.

Good Bucky signed.  I like when I take care of you in dreams

“ Y'ain't so bad in real life, either,” Steve teased. “Speaking of...”

You love me only for my ropes

“And your body!”

Bucky curled up he was laughing so hard, and he kissed Steve thoroughly, the two of them rolling around, trying to squash each other, kissing, giggling, kissing again.

Bucky ran his fingers down Steve's back and quirked an eyebrow.

“Better today,” Steve confirmed. “Honest.”

Bucky nodded. He was about  seventy percent sure Steve was n't really telling the truth but – well, it was New Year's Eve. He'd brave the lines to buy some liquor, and spend the rest of the day snuggling with Steve, watching cartoons.  He trailed his hand down Steve's spine, gentle as he could, and giggled when Steve nipped the tip of one of his ears.

“You really don't mind that I dream about you talking?”

Bucky shrugged. As long as Steve woke up silly and sweet and happy, it wasn't worth minding.

“I love you.” And the kiss he got then – he wasn't  _ able _ to think about much,  after that.

 

B ucky ducked into the kitchen to refill his glass and also take a picture of Steve attempting to decorate cookies  from a kit . (Natasha had received some very odd Christmas presents, and chosen to inflict them on everyone. At least she had also brought the vodka sampler someone had given her office.) Steve was drunk, and the icing very runny, and Bucky made sure to take video while Steve thought he was just taking pictures. 

“This is extremely artistic work,” he said, clearly desperate to retain as much dignity as possible. “You wouldn't understand.”

_ Oh, wouldn't I? _ Bucky had tried to do the text-to-voice thing, but found it a giant pain in the ass. He was happier just talking to people one-on-one anyway. And he could sign with Nat, Clint and Sam.

“Nope.” Steve popped the 'p' sound, and grinned proudly at Bucky. “Hang on I'll make one nice for you.”

Bucky snickered, and watched as Steve put an only slightly wobbly JAMES across one cookie, and surrounded it with wonky purple curlicues.

_I love it. You've captured my spirit._

“You fuckin' wish your spirit was this nice.”

Bucky settled himself in Steve's lap and kissed him sweetly. And made a gagging face – who the fuck drank  _fireball whiskey_ ?

_I am ashamed to know you._

“Awww, it's not so bad! And vodka makes me sick.”

Bucky shook his head sadly. His boyfriend had no taste,  and he made it clear that Steve would not be getting further kisses until he didn't taste like ass . 

He picked up his sugar cookie and broke it in half, delicately feeding the JAM to Steve. (Bucky could, and did, hold his liquor.)

“Om nom,” Steve helpfully contributed, and fed the ES half to Bucky, brushing the crumbs away with his thumb. “Hey you.”

Oh, fuck him and the fake cinnamon whiskey horse he rode in on. Bucky leaned in so he wouldn't have to look at Steve's big blue eyes, and kissed him, luckily mostly only tasting stale cookie.

Steve signed  I love you and pressed it into Bucky's belly, making him laugh silently. He signed the same thing back, resting his hand on Steve's chest, and kissed his cheek.

Have fun being an artist

“And how. I'll be in soon, babe.” Steve pinched his ass, kissed him again, and sent him on his way with another cookie, this one proudly proclaiming I HEART DICK.

Bucky posed with his cookie-slash-work of art so Clint could take a photo, then devoured it so his hands could be freed up.

Hi! How are you? Nat was rusty, but her sign skills were still serviceable.

Good. Really good, honestly. Bucky blushed a little.  How are you?

Fine. Too much work. How was Christmas?

Bucky laughed and pulled out his phone.  I have so many nieces and nephews!

“Show me!” Nat laughed, cooing over the tiny toddlers, making appropriate groaning sounds at how big the older ones were. She had actually been Bucky's date to Jennifer's wedding, and remembered most of his family. 

Becca is pregnant

Becca is a CHILD Nat signed in mock horror. “Bucky, when did we get old?”

Speak for yourself.

“Bite me.”  you look fantastic

Bucky grinned and winked at her.  you too. Very beautiful.

She mimicked him precisely and stuck her tongue out.

you look happy

Bucky's smile softened, and he probably looked like a huge dweeb.  i'm so so so happy. steve is good. steve is my happy

He had kind of expected gagging sounds, but Nat just smiled at him.

I like him. Steve? she tried out his name sign, and Bucky nodded.  I like him a lot

me too

the one?

Bucky shrugged.  it's early. I don't know. maybe. I love him, Natalia. He's special. He looked around – this was not really something he wanted to broadcast – and caught sight of Steve. Just in time to see Steve flush and look away from Bucky. Oh, for fuck's sake.

“What is it?” Nat asked, seeing Bucky's face change.

STEVE. he hates signing

“Isn't he taking classes?”

Yes. But he won't sign with me!!!

“Have you asked him why?”

YES NATASHA, I have had more therapy than you I know how to use my words. Bucky shook his head when he saw she only grasped most of what he'd signed, and pulled his phone out. It might help with the broadcasting, considering he could see Steve looking awkward and very pointedly not looking at Bucky.  _ he's really self-conscious about being HoH and has massive issues about his own visible disabilities. he says he doesn't mind mine and I believe him but the signing is a sticking point. I think he's only ok with me to a point. _

Nat made a sound with her teeth. “Got to admit, Bucky, I don't get that from him at all,” she said. “He thinks you not only hang the moon,  but that  you invented it. And the stars.”

_ So why won't he be okay with this one thing???? _

“I dunno, because people aren't perfect? Do you let him touch your arm?” she asked, and only Natasha Romanoff could ask him such things without getting socked. She got him. She actually did; it was almost a shame that they really weren't good romantic partners.

_ it hurts though _

“Oh,  sweetheart .” She set her drink down and pulled him into a hug, and Bucky figured he was truly pathetic if he was getting sympathy from Nat. “I'm sorry. D'you want me to talk to him?”

_ yes? maybe? I need to talk to him first. once i'm not mad at him. _

Nat nodded. “Okay. I should advise him on the care and feeding of Bucky Barnes anyway.”

Bucky rolled his eyes.  _ he's already addicted to my ropes _

Nat actually  _ cackled _ . “Oh, good to know.”

Clint, in a rare act of  not-terrible timing, came over and wrapped his arms around Nat's waist from behind. “Hi babies.” He grinned, clearly blitzed.

_ Are you trying for hangover of the year on the first?? _

“I can hold my booze!” He exhaled, and Bucky feared for any candles near Clint. “ Thor brought mead. 's  _ goooood _ .”

“I am confident in your abilities to assess excellent alcohol,” Nat said dryly, but she also petted the side of his head. “Time for another vodka. You boys okay? Clint, don't answer that.”

“I am very happy,” Clint said seriously.

Bucky showed her his mostly-full glass.

“Good. The good stuff's in the freezer by the way, Barnes. I hid it under some peas.”

Bucky bowed to her, and went to mingle. He got caught up chatting with Vision who was, as promised, weird but in a good way. He was soft-spoken and had amazing facial tattoos, and Bucky had a very good talk with him about philosophy while Wanda drifted in and out, mixing drinks as requested.

He didn't really see Steve again until just before the ball dropped. He was still kind of pissed but – New Year's. So he submitted to Steve wrapping his arms around Bucky's waist and resting his head on Bucky's shoulder, kissing his neck.

“Hi,” he murmured. “You're beautiful.”

Thanks Bucky turned his head and kissed Steve because, well. He was still Steve, and that meant good things too.  Good party

“Thanks.” Steve beamed a little. “I have good friends.”

Bucky nodded, a little automatically. He rested his head against Steve's as they watched the countdown begin. So this was the new year.

The ball dropped, and Bucky spontaneously sent out a desperate prayer, a wish, anything. That he'd still be in love this time next year. That he'd be with these amazing people. That he'd have Steve. That they would make it. Nothing was certain in life, and love least of all but fuck – he hoped.

He turned and kissed Steve, a little desperate. Fuck, he hoped they could work through this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Er, yeah, so it turns out that this chapter was basically written already so yay! Enjoy!
> 
> PS if anyone asks you guys are my family and I had to go have dinner with you tonight and that's why I couldn't go to a work party. yes. That is my excuse.

_ **Bucky:** Hey Steve – are you free  this afternoon ? _

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** Yeah, what's up?_

_**Bucky:** Come over to mine? I have lunch if you haven't eaten yet._

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** I have. okay if I get there in like an hour? I have to finish up a few things._

_**Bucky:** ok. see you then._

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** see you soon love <3_

 

Bucky hugged Steve when he got in the door and kissed his cheek.  _ Thanks for coming over. _

“Yeah, of course.” Steve frowned. “This isn't just you wanting to hang out.”

Bucky shook his head, and settled at one end of the love seat, wishing he could sit a little farther away. But Steve would need to be able to read his iPad.

He took a deep breath and steeled himself. He'd already typed his first question. Better to just barrel straight into these things; it was hard enough without dancing around it.

_Are you always going to be bothered by signing?_ Bucky asked bluntly. Better to get this all out. He was getting fucking sick of dancing around Steve, and Steve's deafness.

“What? I'm...not?” Steve looked at him oddly. “I'll sign with you whenever you want, if you don't mind my vocabulary not being great.”

_Seriously? Because at New Year's, you wouldn't look at me when I was signing with Nat. And you went all red. Like you were embarrassed._

Steve blinked, startled, then glared at Bucky. “Is that what you think that was?”

_dude, you've had problems with this from the first._

Steve threw his arms up. “Yeah, that's why I haven't been taking classes for months or getting Sam to practice with me or anything.”

_Steve, don't act like you don't have issues with being HoH_

“I'm pretty open about my issues, if you haven't noticed. Bucky, what do I have to do to be disabled in a way you find acceptable?” Steve spat, genuinely angry now. “Because for the record?” He switched to signing, motions slow but graceful, sure of what he was saying. I understood what you and Nat were saying to each other. And I didn't want to e-a-v-e-s-d-r-o-p. Steve spelled the word he didn't know at lightening speed. I was being POLITE He lifted his arms in a gesture of anger and resignation, then gave Bucky the finger. “For fuck's sake. I recognized what you were saying. I know my own name sign, Bucky.”

Bucky felt his  chest tighten . Fuck. Oh, fuck.  I'm sorry he signed hesitantly.  I'm sorry

“Really? Will you actually give me the benefit of the doubt now? Or just assume that I'm being a dick to you?” I am TRYING Bucky what do I need to do to make you happy? CAN I?

Bucky covered his face with his hands and breathed deeply. He'd broken this. Maybe beyond fixing.

I'm sorry he signed again, not knowing what else to do.

Steve sighed, and wrapped his hands around Bucky's. “This is why you were kind of pissy on New Year's?”

Bucky nodded, ashamed now. Fuck. What a self-righteous prick he could be.

“You really think I would behave like that? Really?”

Bucky shook his head hard. Except...he had believed that, and Steve looked just as crushed as he felt.

“Bucky, why do you even _like_ me if you think that about me?”

Bucky's head snapped up at that and he reached for Steve, a little desperate.  because you make me talk because you're good because you're funny because you're so nice to me because you don't let me get away with shit because I love you because you make me be a better person because you're an amazing artist He signed as fast as he dared, hoping Steve caught most of it.  because you're angry at the world and I get that because you make me think because you make me  talk about what i'm dumb about because I let you touch my arm and it  was okay

Steve's brow furrowed, but he followed the rapid signs well enough, his face relaxing a little. “Bucky, if you really feel that – then  _ live _ it, okay? Trust me a little?”

Bucky nodded miserably.  i'm sorry. I was wrong

Steve smiled a little. “Can I get that in writing?”

_ I'm sorry I'm a prick _ Bucky typed, and texted it to Steve, who read it and smiled. 

“Heh. You better be,” he said, and reached for Bucky's hand. His left, just by coincidence.

Bucky moved a little closer on the sofa, and closed his eyes when Steve put his arm around him. It wasn't impossible that this would be the last time they'd cuddle like this. He wanted to remember it.

“Hey,” Steve said softly, and kissed the top of Bucky's head. “I love you.”

still?

“ What? Baby, this is just one fight. A big one, but just a fight.” Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky and held him close. “Oh,  Bucky , love, I'm not going anywhere.”

Bucky nodded, and memorized the feel of Steve holding him. Just in case.

“ Oh, Bucky ,  I'm hurt and sore at you. ” Steve murmured, rocking him a little. “ But i t's gonna take a lot to end this thing we have.” He kissed Bucky's forehead. “Oh.  _ Oh _ . I'm an idiot.” Another kiss. “You carry such a bad thing with you,” he said, barely audible, whispered into Bucky's ear. “I forget, because you're so  strong about it. But you've had trauma and terrible things and oh love. Love, love, it's safe. We'll fight, but we'll make up.”

Bucky froze in Steve's arms.  He wasn't  _ wrong _ , but  Bucky didn't want this, didn't want to think about this...

“Shh. Shh. Bucky, breathe with me.” And, slow and easy and steady, he did. Until the cold retreated from his fingertips, until he was fully in the present, his boyfriend holding him and rocking him and still his boyfriend even when Bucky had...Christ. He'd really fucked up this time, and Steve loved him and took care of him.

He'd been wrong, and they had discussed it, and it was better now. Bucky supposed this was adulting.

_We're very mature and I don't think I like it_

Steve laughed out loud. “Tell me about it. Fuck, that was painful.”

_I am so sorry, though. Really really truly I am so sorry. I'll make it up to you. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. you worked really hard for me; i'll do the same for you._

“You do, baby. You didn't just shut down on me, we talked.” Steve kissed his temple. “I know it's hard for you, love.”

Bucky shrugged.

“Hey. You gotta give yourself credit,” Steve said. “We talked, and the world didn't burn down.”

Bucky shrugged again.

“I got an idea,” Steve murmured, so softly Bucky could just about hear him. “I give you a hug and a kiss and tuck you into bed. Then I run out to Avengers' and get us both the biggest mochas they sell. Whipped cream. The whole shebang. And I bring 'em back and we consume enough sugar to send a toddler into orbit while we watch How It's Made and I get to hold you as long as I want.”

Bucky smiled and nodded hard.

“I love you.” Steve kissed him, and gave him a little squeeze, and walked him to his bed. He kissed Bucky again, and pulled a blanket up over him, tucking him in. “I love you,” Steve whispered again, and ducked out, pausing just long enough to grab his wallet and keys.

Bucky felt sort of cold.  He wished Steve hadn't  left, even if he was wrapped in his blanket and his room was good and familiar and warm. Still – he didn't  _want_ to be alone.

He curled up tight and just...went quiet. It was a trick he had, when things got too hard. He could go still, and go so deep inside himself it didn't matter that he was lonely and scared and silent. For those times he couldn't be strong, Bucky could retreat into this interior protection.

And come back out, when he heard Steve return, uncurl himself and smile for his boyfriend, who grinned back, and leaned over and kissed him. “Hey,” he murmured. “You okay to cuddle?”

Bucky nodded hard, and Steve crawled in beside him, arranging themselves and their coffees. The heat and the sugar helped Bucky come back to himself, and he rested his head on Steve's shoulder. Thank you for taking care of me.

“You have no idea how much it's my pleasure.” Steve said. “Will you do me a huge favor?”

Bucky nodded.

“Sign with me as much as possible? I won't get better unless I practice, and you're gonna have to force me.”

Bucky nodded again. Okay. I promise. I'm proud of you.

“Aw, shut up, I haven't done anything that good,” Steve protested.

Yes you have! Bucky grinned and took another sip of the sweet, hot coffee.  Watch now?

“Yeah. Please.” Steve sighed a little, and rested his head against Bucky's. “I hate fighting with you.”

Me too. Thank you for making me understand the truth. I'm sorry.

“Forgiven.” A soft kiss, then another. “I'm sorry you ever even suspected that I would leave you over that fight.”

Not your problem. I have issues.

“So do I. Welcome to being human, I guess.” Steve smiled, and wrapped himself around Bucky, shifting them so that Bucky sat between his legs, leaning back on his chest. “Stupid TV like this?”

Bucky nodded firmly, and pulled up YouTube on his iPad,  and enjoyed the hell out of  Steve wrapped around him.

They didn't seem to want to be apart for the next few days, spending nights together first at Bucky's, then Steve's. Bucky could work mostly from anywhere with his laptop, so they spent days in Steve's studio, or at the cafe. The weekend found them back in Bucky's studio, finally relaxed with each other. Mostly.

“ Hey Bucky?” Steve rolled over on the bed, laying his head on Bucky's legs. “Could I tie you up sometime? Just to see what it's like?”

Bucky set down the copy of Rat Queens he'd borrowed from Steve. (And was, frankly, planning to steal.)  yes! now? I can teach you.

“That would be great.” Steve smiled shyly. “It doesn't have to be a real scene or anything. I'm just curious.”

Bucky ruffled Steve's hair and stretched nearly double to kiss his forehead.  I love you tying me up.

Steve grinned. “I'll get your ropes.”

Bucky laughed silently, and watched Steve go to dig through his closet. When he came back with the big bag Bucky stored his goodies in, Bucky went though and selected a length of plain cotton rope and his scissors. He switched to his iPad, just to make absolutely sure Steve understood.

_You know these stay nearby. They'll cut the rope in seconds if need be, though I fully expect we won't need them._

Steve nodded, and set them on the bedside table where he'd find them quickly.

_I'll teach you how to tie my wrists and forearms, okay?_

“Are you sure?”

_I trust you!_

“No, I mean. With your arms tied, you can't really talk. You definitely can't sign and even typing could get hard...”

I know Bucky signed and looked smug until Steve got it.

“Oh.  _ Oh _ .” He laughed and kissed Bucky softly. “How will you safeword, smart guy?”

Bucky reached into a small side-pocket and pulled out a little jingle bell, clasping it between his hands. He dropped it, and it chimed surprisingly loudly.

“Got it.” Steve  nodded, and they turned to the next lesson.

Bucky slowly tied Steve's wrists together, a very simple knot, but elegant, and then how to ladder the ropes up his forearms, tying them together as he went until Steve's arms were bound in front of him.

_See? It's pretty easy, once you get the hang of it. Just be careful with your tension, and you'll do fine._

Steve nodded, turning his arms so he could see the lines at a different angle. “I get it. You ready for me to try it on you?”

_Hell yes!! I'll untie you, then you get started, okay? I'll help as much as I can, but I won't really be able to communicate beyond yes and no._

“Okay. Are you sure you're okay with that?”

_Honestly, it'll be_

Bucky paused and thought for a moment, then resumed typing.

_kind of a treat?_

“Do you not like talking that much?” Steve asked softly.

_Sometimes. Sort of? I don't mind it, I never mind typing but...I like being fully silent. Not just physically, but really totally...just nothing expected._

Steve reached out with his bound arms, moving carefully, and rested his hands on Bucky's. “You never have to feel like you've got to talk to me, you know that, right?”

Bucky smiled, and leaned in to kiss Steve softly.  I know. love you.

“Love you too,” Steve murmured, and held still while Bucky undid the knots around his arms.

He took the rope and folded it carefully, finding the center and setting it aside for the moment. Steve curled one of Bucky's hands around the bell, and bent over to kiss one wrist, then the  other . He pressed Bucky's forearms together, and rubbed his left arm lightly, the different between the two limbs easily visible. “Is this okay, love?” he asked.

Bucky swallowed and nodded, and Steve smiled at him. “Good. You mind if I just talk to you while I work?”

Bucky shook his head.

“Awesome. You look gorgeous like this, Buck. I love the way ropes look over skin. And I love you so much, that makes it better somehow,  you know? I definitely prefer being the one tied up, but I think I get why you  enjoy this.”

Finished with the initial knots at Bucky's wrists, Steve started to work his way  up his lover's arms. “It's really striking. And your trust...you  _ know _ I don't really do this, and you're letting me tie you up anyway. Is that okay? Not too tight?” he asked, and Bucky nodded. It was fine, and Steve's happy chattering kept him grounded, made it so he didn't notice Steve's hands all over his left arm so much. “Good. I'm nearly done, then we can have a little cuddle, okay? And you can just lie there, quiet as can be.” Steve smiled softly, and leaned in to kiss Bucky's cheek. “No typing, no signing, no expectations. Just let me love you.”

Bucky melted at Steve's words, and felt something inside of himself uncoil and relax. No communication expected. Just rest.

Steve finished the knots off – not as perfectly symmetrical as  Bucky had done, but more than fine. Bucky tested them, and smiled when he found he couldn't move his arms apart, his wrists frozen in place.

“ Good?” Steve asked, and grinned when Bucky nodded. “Good. Lie down, baby, and I'll give you a scalp massage,” he  said , and Bucky was quick to obey, letting his eyes slip closed as Steve's strong fingers got to work on his head.  Steve moved  Bucky so his head rested in  Steve 's lap, warm and close.

Steve gloried in his freedom, and set about treating Bucky like the treasure that he was. He worked his fingers into Bucky's hair, tugging lightly and rubbing his scalp until Bucky lay heavy and relaxed. Steve eased off then, until he was only stroking his lover's thick, dark hair where it spilled across his lap.

He thought Bucky might have fallen asleep, and shifted him carefully, but his eyes opened immediately and he smiled up at Steve.

“Hey,” Steve murmured, and lay down, wrapping his arms loosely around Bucky's waist and smiling when he snuggled close. “Hah. I see why you like this. I can spoil you.”

Bucky smiled and tucked his head under Steve's chin.

“I've got you,” Steve murmured. “Love you, baby.”

Bucky gave him a little head-butt, and Steve chuckled, resting his chin on Bucky's dark hair. “Love you,” he repeated, and spent one of the sweetest half-hours of his life (or so he later claimed) just holding Bucky close, silence falling over them like snow, like a warm blanket on a cold night, like everything was just right and they had no need to speak.

It was the most natural thing in the world to start kissing. For Steve to touch his fingers underneath Bucky's chin, to ask, and to have Bucky smile and lean in, mouth opening under his. To take his time with the little kisses, show Bucky how loved he was. Cuddle, and kiss some more, smile when Bucky tried to move his arms and was stopped and closed his eyes and just _relaxed_ , Steve right there to gather him close.

All they did was kiss, but what kisses they were. Slow and soft and sweet, whole minutes passing while they tasted one another, tongues dipping into mouths, tangling, soft hungry mouthing. There was no need to do more, when Steve could hold Bucky tenderly and kiss him, over and over.

The sun drifted west, and night fell winter-quick, the room lit only by the last bit of evening when Bucky held his arms up. Steve loosed the knots quickly, and turned on a light to check Bucky's arms. They were smooth, though – what light marks there were would fade in a few minutes, which didn't stop Steve from rubbing his hands up one arm, then the other, particularly careful with Bucky's left arm and hand. Satisfied, he kissed the back of each hand, and coiled the rope the way he'd seen Bucky do it before, tidying their toys away.

Bucky smiled and held his arms out, grinning when Steve crawled on top of him and landed with a healthy _whumph_. He stretched out along Bucky's length and pretty shamelessly snuggled close. “Thank you.”

Bucky traced a heart onto Steve's back, and hugged him tightly, then gave him a little nudge.

“Ooops, sorry.” Steve scrambled up a little, still close, but now Bucky was at least able to grab his iPad and type.

_that was amazing. thank you so much._

“It was _really_ my pleasure,” Steve assured him. “Oh, Buck. That was something really special.”

Bucky nodded hard.  _yeah. wanna talk about it soon. but not today. wanna just hold you and love on you. you deserve it!_

Steve turned bright red. “Just...did what would make you happy. What would make us  _both_ happy,” he corrected, and smiled shyly. “Trust me, I was pretty self-centered too.”

_good, glad you enjoyed yourself. thank you. I feel...like I slept for a week, like i've been on a vacation, like I'm...renewed._ Bucky stretched, and grinned.  _fuck I love you_

“Love you too,” Steve managed, around his embarrassment.

Bucky giggled and wrapped himself around Steve, iPad to the side for the moment. He pressed a little line of kisses up Steve's neck, nuzzling the soft skin there, and sighed happily, and as loudly as he could.

“Oh, baby.” Steve kissed the top of his head. “C'mere.” He sat up, then slid his arms under Bucky's back and his knees and lifted him onto Steve's lap. “My turn to be in charge of aftercare,” he murmured, and stroked Bucky's hair.

Bucky gave him a grin and cuddled close. you're good at hugs He might have been a little high.

Steve laughed, and hugged him tightly, just for a moment. “I try. Anything I can do in particular?”

Bucky shook his head. Take care of YOU. Hold me. all ok.

“I am taking care of myself,” Steve promised softly. “Getting to take care of you like this is perfect.”

Bucky nodded, and settled his head on Steve's shoulder, still a little high and giggly, and grinned when Steve nuzzled his hair. I don't deserve you.

“Shut your...hands?” Steve laughed and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Are you happy?”

Bucky nodded.

“Then you've got everything you deserve.”

Bucky made a face at him – that was downright gross – but he didn't protest again, and let Steve kiss him as he liked.

 

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** Hey Buck, you got a minute?_

_**Bucky:** Yeah, what's up honey?_

_**Bucky:** Steve?_

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** Sorry._

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** Just. I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing._

_**Bucky:** Maybe maybe not. what's wrong, love?_

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** my hearing's getting worse. I went to the doctor today. i'm going deaf in my good ear too._

_**Bucky:** oh, baby, i'm so sorry. I'm SO sorry._

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** yeah_

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** it could be worse I guess. he said a hearing aid would probalby help. so i'd be symmetrical at least._

_**Bucky:** oh my god you're trying. steve, you are breaking my heart. I love you so much. i'm so sorry._

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** yeah, I kinda keep figuring out how to laugh about it too._

_**Bucky:** i'm so so so sorry beautiful. is there anything I can do?_

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** keep setting a good example? kick my ass? I dunno_

_**Bucky:** hey. I love that ass._

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** I keep thinking that yours is the only voice i'm not gonna lose_

_**Bucky:** oh stevie_

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** I know i'm being overdramatic. I KNOW._

_**Bucky:** a little. maybe. but you're sad too, and that's okay, you know? you're allowed to be sad and angry._

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** yeah. I just. yeah. ugh._

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** please don't tell anyone yet? no on else knows. i'll tell people soon just not yet..._

_**Bucky:** I promise._

_**Bucky:** hey you. I love you. you'll get through this too_

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** yeah. of course._

_**Bucky:** want me to come over?_

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** maybe later? just want to mope on my own for a bit._

_**Bucky:** k. take good care of yourself, okay? please?_

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** yeah_

_**Steve Coffeeshop:** promise._

_**Bucky:** :*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays! Although at this rate, I may post something before Christmas? I do not even know y'all.
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! Happy new chapter!

Bucky had been camped out with a series of coffees when Steve finally joined him at Avengers', and provided a very welcome distraction.

Hi Steve! Bucky signed, and stood up, pulling his lover into a tight hug. He drew a tiny heart on Steve's back, and kissed just below his ear.

“Hi,” Steve murmured, and held on for just a breath longer than usual.

How are you?

Okay. Fine. You? Steve signed carefully.

Busy. Good. So happy to see you. Bucky took one of Steve's hands and traced a heart onto the back of it. 

Steve smiled wryly, but he didn't say anything. “You want anything, honey?”

m-o-c-h-a Bucky fingerspelled, then signed.

Steve nodded. “Mocha, got it.”  He went up to order from Thor, and Bucky pulled up what he had so far of issue 2's script.

Drinks in hand, Steve sat down beside Bucky, bumping his shoulder. “ Hey. I brought what I've got drawn so far.” He ran a hand through his hair and flushed. “It's not much, just the first three pages. I'm really sorry.”

Bucky poked him in the side and pulled up a little note program so Steve could see his typing.  _ Don't be sorry, love. This is for fun! No deadlines. _

“Yeah, I know, but you're working really hard on it...”

_Steve, how many hours a week do you do paid work? At a guess?_

“Uh. Like forty? Forty-five?”

_I've had maybe twenty billable hours for the last two weeks. You're busy and I'm not! That's all._

Steve frowned. “Twenty? Bucky, you okay for money?”

_I'm fine. I save a lot when I'm busy, to cover times like these._

Steve nodded, and kissed his shoulder. “Dinner's on me, though.”

_ If it'll make you happy. I wanna see my beautiful art first, though! _ Bucky demanded, and Steve laughed and opened  his laptop next to Bucky's. 

“Tell me if you hate any of it,” he said. “You gotta be proud of this too.”

A slow smile spread across Bucky's face as he studied the first page. He'd decided against a splash page – something smaller was what the story called for. The whole page was dark grey, except for a single panel in the middle, which almost glowed a pale, sickly, hospital green.

It was a single image of Cap in a hospital bed, clearly being kept alive by machines, and the Soldier beside him, slouched in a chair. It was at eye-level, achingly personal, and terrifying.

Bucky reached out as if to touch and, not able to look away, signed  it's perfect .

“Thanks. I mean, it's this really intimate story, right? It seemed...right.”

Perfect Bucky signed again, and turned to grin at Steve.  Next page?

Steve laughed and flipped to the next two pages, grey-toned flashbacks to a battle interspersed with panels showing the Soldier asleep, the Soldier watching Cap, the Soldier constructing little towers out of drinking straws.

Bucky laughed at that.  hospitals are boring. you get that right

“I will have you know that I'm a  _ brilliant _ engineer when it comes to making things out of detritus left by my bed,” Steve said proudly, and Bucky wrapped an arm around his shoulders, jostling him.

_I am very proud of you_

“Ha ha. I was a sickly kid.”

_Ha ha. I was a fucked-up kid._

“Hey, don't say that about yourself.” Steve frowned. “Seriously. Please.”

Bucky turned to meet Steve's eyes, and smiled softly at him. He reached over and stroked his hair, hand gliding over the soft fuzziness on the back of his head.  _Sorry. I won't, love._ He leaned over for a little kiss, because Steve was a heartbreakingly good person, and it was the only thing he could think of  to communicate this.

Steve kissed him back softly, and squeezed his shoulder. “I really love your script.”

_Thanks. I love writing this. I've got pages 5-15 if you want to read?_

“ _Yes_! Oh, hell yes!” Steve grinned as Bucky swapped their laptops, so Steve could read and Bucky could re-read the comics pages as many times as he liked.

He found some character sketches Steve had done to work out the construction of the Soldier's mask, when Steve finished reading.

_what do you think? I can change stuff, of course – we only talked a little about what this issue should cover_

“I think you're writing some of the best stuff I've seen in awhile,” Steve said seriously. “That's me speaking as a professional, not as your boyfriend, by the way. This is fantastic, Bucky.”

_Aw. Thanks._ Bucky flushed and ran a hand through his hair.  _I'm good at the little, interpersonal stuff_

“You're _amazing_ at it,” Steve said firmly. “Issue one is gonna get bought by people who know me, I'll be honest with you. They'll be there for my name. Issue two, though.” He met Bucky's eyes, and wouldn't let him look away. “You're gonna pull new people in. And after this, they'll be following your name, too.”

Bucky smiled, and shrugged.  _So should I get a Tumblr?_

Steve laughed, and kissed his temple. “If you like. Just, be proud of yourself, okay?”

_If you promise to be easy on yourself for being busy. No overworking and hurting those hands, okay?_ Bucky grinned.  _Don't make me have to tie you down._

Steve grinned back, bold as you please. “I'm pretty sure 'making' doesn't come into it.”

Bucky stuck his tongue out.

_pretty sure you can tie me up and fuck me stupid anytime you want, sore hands or not_ Steve typed quickly.

Bucky just smiled at him, as serenely as he could manage with all of the blood in his body flowing squarely into his cock.

 

They had a quick dinner at a Chinese noodle place, then headed back to Bucky's for the night, hand in hand. It was a little bit of a pain to walk and sign simultaneously, and impossible to communicate in any other way, not a little to Steve's frustration.

He squeezed Bucky's hand and melted a little (okay, a lot) when Bucky squeezed back.

It became a little game on the short walk back. Steve would rub his thumb on Bucky's knuckles, Bucky would wiggle his fingers. Bucky would squeeze Steve's hand once, Steve would squeeze back twice. Steve tickled the palm of Bucky's hand, or tried to – they both wore leather gloves, which did a fair bit to deaden sensation.

Bucky let them into his little studio, and Steve didn't miss that he also turned the heat up.

He wrapped his arms around Bucky's waist from behind and nuzzled the side of his neck, delighting in the soft skin there, the smell of Bucky's cologne, because of course his boyfriend wore cologne. Of course.

Bucky leaned back into his arms and tilted his head back, giving Steve full access to a chin that was just starting to get scratchy; Bucky must have skipped shaving that day.  He nibbled the edge of Bucky's jaw in order to show his approval, because he was good at communication like that.

“Love,” he murmured, and a kissed Bucky's perfect shell of an ear.

Bucky turned his head at that and found Steve's mouth, the kiss tender and lingering, checking on Steve and reassuring him.

He dropped one hand to rub a little at the front of Bucky's jeans, and felt fast  and daring – stupid, in a man whose body he knew so well, but there you were . Bucky's hips pressed into his hand, though, and Steve gasped into Bucky's mouth.

Bucky pressed harder, and Steve obligingly rubbed; no games tonight, just the two of them having fun, kissing, Bucky's cock hard under Steve's palm.

Steve sank them to the floor. He wound up kneeling on the floor, Bucky sat on his lap. His back was to Steve's chest, and his knees spread, calves falling to either side of Steve's legs.

Steve kept one arm tight around Bucky's chest, holding him up, and with the other he caressed and teased as he liked, tracing the little line of skin where Bucky's shirt rode up, caressing his thigh, warm through his jeans, and of course returning again and again to palm his cock through his jeans. The whole time he kept pressing kisses to Bucky's throat, zeroing in on the spots that made him shudder against Steve, his hands squeezing Steve's legs. Another wet kiss, a little nibble on his earlobe, and Steve popped the button on Bucky's jeans.

“Sweet, sexy man,” he murmured. “ _My_ man. God, I love kissing you. I love touching you.” He started to inch the zipper down. “Bucky, Bucky, want you. Want you so bad. You're so fucking hot, baby, from that pretty face to those long, long legs. God, love having you pressed up against me.”

Steve finally got the zipper down, smiling when Bucky humped the air, begging for contact. He brushed his fingertips across the soft cotton of Bucky's briefs, and laughed out loud at the eloquent look _that_ earned him.

“You don't even have to sign that one for me to get it,” he assured his lover, who gave him another dirty look.

Steve kissed the tip of his nose.

Bucky wrapped his hand around Steve's wrist and moved it to exactly where he wanted it.

“Oh, you want me to rub you _here?_ I wasn't sure,” Steve teased, unbuttoning the slit in his briefs and letting Bucky's cock spring free. It was obscene, the two of them sprawled on the floor, still fully clothed. It was delicious.

Steve wrapped his hand around Bucky's cock and pumped slowly, teasing still. “Pull your shirt off for me, darling,” he murmured. “I want _you_ messy, not it."

Bucky smiled and pulled his shirt off, and Steve had the supreme joy of spreading his hand on Bucky's bare chest, still holding him tight, still jacking him off slow and steady.

Bucky's hips twitched as he tried not to beg for more, then gave in and pushed into Steve's hand, then ground his ass back onto Steve's lap.

“Oh, fuck, baby yes,” Steve breathed. “Oh. Oh, baby, do you want...” He had planned to make this short and sweet for both of them. But Bucky grinding his ass against Steve's crotch, looking over his shoulder all wide-eyed and hungry-looking...

Bucky nodded. Please? he signed. Want you to fuck me. Fast and dirty.

“Yeah,” Steve breathed. “Oh, God yeah.” He buried his face in Bucky's shoulder for a moment, breathing deeply. “Condoms? Lube?”

By my bed, in the little table. I'll get them

But Steve tightened his arm across Bucky's chest. “I will. Finish undressing.” He got up and kicked his shoes off as he walked across the little studio, digging out the lube and a handful of condoms. Steve turned back to find Bucky naked and staring up at him, legs still splayed. He sat tall and strong, hands resting on muscular thighs while his cock jutted up, red and curving up towards his belly.

Steve uttered something that could almost have been a prayer, and was definitely profane.

Bucky smiled slow and easy, and Steve knelt beside him, still fully clothed and deciding to stay that way, at least for the moment. His beautiful man, though – Bucky was exquisite.

“Fuck, but you're perfect,” he muttered, leaning in to kiss Bucky soundly, moaning into his mouth when Bucky's hand cupped between Steve's legs, rubbing the hard length there. Steve got his revenge by leaning down and wrapping his lips around the head of Bucky's cock, swirling his tongue around, tasting the bitter precome.

Bucky's hand was loose against, not really jacking him off so much as touching him, keeping him interested – not that that was difficult – and teasing more than a bit.

Steve finally pulled himself away and licked his lips, clearly enjoying himself, then kissing Bucky deeply. “On your hands and knees okay?” he murmured.

Bucky moved to  all fours , obviously okay with it. He spread his knees, his cock hanging heavy between his thighs, and Steve couldn't hide a hungry groan, running his hand down the curve of Bucky's ass.

Bucky leaned back into his touch, and Steve pressed kisses to the small of his back, his perfect lover. He slicked his fingers, more than was needed, really, then a little more. It was rare they played this way, and Bucky wouldn't be used to the stretch and burn, and like hell Steve would cause him any pain.

He went slowly, laughing when Bucky wiggled his ass, obviously impatient. “Shhh. Slow, baby. I promise it'll be worth it.” Inch by inch, forcing himself to be patient, Steve worked his fingers into Bucky's body, kissing his waist, the knobs of his spine, the back of first one shoulder then the other.

Bucky pressed back onto Steve's fingers and looked over his shoulder, mouthing 'please'.

Steve was rocked to the core. Bucky...did not mouth words. Didn't give any indication of speech. Bucky made himself gasp for Steve though, made himself beg, and Steve was overwhelmed for a moment. There was no way he could hold this much love and still be alive, his heart wouldn't take it.

He leaned over and kissed Bucky, lingering, trying to communicate some tiny percentage of what he felt. “Baby, my love, my Bucky,” he murmured. “My whole world. Gonna make you so _happy_ , you're not gonna be able to do anything but lie there and bliss out.”

Bucky smiled into his mouth, and Steve kissed him one more time. He sat back on his heels to unzip his jeans and roll on a condom, then slowly, _slowly_ , push into his lover's body.

It was hot and tight and good and _Bucky_ , and he rocked them together, hands on Bucky's hips, the slap of skin on skin obscene and beautiful. Steve reached down and around Bucky's leg to wrap his hand around his lover's cock, stroking it in time to his hips, gradually picking up speed. He didn't spare his love either; Bucky was tough, and considering the way he moved back to meet Steve, hard and fast suited him just fine.

Steve's vision was starting to sparkle when he felt Bucky come into his hand, his body tensing so exquisitely, and with such a small, soft intake of breath, that it was inevitable that Steve followed him, bent over Bucky's back, cock aching as he trembled and came inside his lover.

Bucky's arms had given out and he was half-collapsed, his ass still up in the air, as Steve gently pulled out, hissing when his now-limp cock slipped free. He took care of the condom and the mess on his hand – mentally promising Bucky he'd let his lover come on him next time – and gathered his man in his arms. Bucky wasn't light, but Steve was strong enough to stand up and carry him to the bed, bridal-style.

Bucky giggled silently and reached up, wrapping his arms around Steve's shoulders, and pulled him back down so that they lay together on the tangled quilt and sheets.

“Hi, baby,” Steve murmured, kissing the corner of one eye, then the other.

Bucky smiled, and touched Steve's lips, then signed thank you.

“Yeah, it was totally selfless on my part,” Steve said. “Unbelievably difficult to have you under me, delicious and perfect and you.”

you're amazing. I love you, steve.

“I love you too,” Steve said softly, and stroked Bucky's hair, ran a hand down his back. “Do you need anything, sweetheart? Water?”

Bucky shook his head, and pushed close to Steve, wrapping his arms around Steve's waist and squeezing. get naked with me?

Steve laughed, and  nodded, and kissed Bucky's cheek before shedding his clothes, kicking them to the floor. “Better?”

the best

“Dweeb.”

THE BEST

Steve just smiled, and made sure Bucky was warm enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked the porn, plot's a-comin' round the bend...


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter! Hopefully the story it sets up makes up for it...

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _where are youuuuuu?_

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _it's way past our usual time!_

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _Steve, are you okay?_

Missed Call: Your Hot Boyfriend

Missed Call: Your Hot Boyfriend

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _Hey baby, sorry. Sam said you're asleep._

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _And don't make fun of me for calling, I got Clint to do it._

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _Text me when u wake up love?_

_**Steeb:** Hey Bucky_

_**Steeb:** Sorry_

_**Steeb:** Also very cute changing your name in my phone_

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _That wasn't me, I swear!_

_**Steeb:** Uh huh_

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _It wasn't. I watched Nat do it :P_

_**Steeb:** sorry I missed you this afternoon_

_**Steeb:** didn't mean to nap so long_

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _it's okay. you all right?_

_**Steeb:** i'm ok_

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _Steve._

_**Steeb:** I'M OK_

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _alright_

_**Steeb:** sorry_

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _thank you_

_**Steeb:** i'm just feeling low, it's nothing_

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _i'm sorry, steve. that sucks._

_**Steeb:** yah, that's life_

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _anything I can do to help?_

_**Steeb:** no_

_**Steeb:** sorry_

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _s'okay. long as you know i'm here_

_**Steeb:** I do._

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _good. have you eaten in the last few hours?_

_**Steeb:** oh my god not you too for fuck's sake_

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _suck it rogers. lots of people here to help you. we have plans of attack_

_**Steeb:** yes I ate_

_**Steeb:** I slept_

_**Steeb:** and I showered this morning._

_**Steeb:** is that acceptable to you?_

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _What I think doesn't matter, steve. just make sure you get some food into you, and real sleep, and people to listen if you need it._

_**Steeb:** bucky I fucking cannot even with you right now, stop acting like you can fucking save me from myself. you can't. you can't help, do you get it? So stop fucking acting like you caring can do anything, because it can't, all it does is make YOU feel better._

**Your Hot Boyfriend:** _we'll talk later._

 

 

 

_**Steeb:** oh my god I can't believe I said those things to you_

_**Steeb:** i'm so sorry_

_**Steeb:** I cannot tell you how sorry I am_

_**Bucky:** someone's feeling better_

_**Steeb:** technically, someone's feeling like a complete prick. but yeah better comes into it. I am so, so sorry._

_**Bucky:** I am too._

_**Bucky:** I should have left you alone. I'm sorry. I was doing what I thought was right, not that that excuses it._

_**Steeb:** Baby no. No no no, you were wonderful. You are so much better than I deserve._

_**Bucky:** Hey, don't say that._

_**Steeb:** Fine, but that doesn't make it less true. You were being kind, and making sure I was okay, and I was being a prick._

_**Bucky:** Well, yeah. But just 'cause you're depressed doesn't mean you don't deserve someone who loves you._

_**Steeb:** Can we get together tonight? Please? I can come over to yours, I'll bring dinner or whatever you want, I'll bring those Spanish fries you like so much._

_**Bucky:** Steve, love, you don't have to buy my caring. Or forgiveness. But yeah, of course we can hang out tonight. C'mon over here, we can have a little more privacy :)_

_**Steeb:** Okay. I'm bringing fries though. _

_**Bucky:** Long as YOU get here, I'm not picky._

_**Steeb:** I'm not doing so great Bucky._

_**Bucky:** I'm sorry, baby. We'll ride this out, k?_

_**Steeb:** k_

 

Bucky opened the door and kissed Steve lightly. He _wanted_ to pull Steve into his apartment and bodily wrap himself around him basically forever or at least until Steve didn't look lost and half-dead, but he was trying this thing where he gave Steve what _he_ needed, not what Bucky wanted. There was no way in hell he'd be as good a boyfriend as Steve thought he was – no human could attain that – but he could try.  Hi handsome

Steve cracked a smile. “Hey cutie. I brought us food.”

Bucky made a little heart-shape with his hands, and ushered Steve over to the little table he'd just gotten because he was an adult who could eat meals at a table like a real person.

“Okay, Mister Fancy,” Steve teased, and sat down, pushing the bag across the table to Bucky. “I'm not hungry.”

Bucky nodded, and leaned over to kiss the top of Steve's head. Tea?

Steve shrugged. “If you're having some.”

Bucky was having some, if it meant getting a mug of hot, milky, honey-laced tea into Steve. And he teased a few fries into Steve too, picking off the spicy bits.

“Why are you being so good to me?” Steve asked, smiling uncertainly.

Because I love you . Obviously.

“ You're crazy.”

For this one, Bucky pulled out his iPad.  _ I'll have you know that MULTIPLE professional psychologists disagree with you. _

Steve looked absolutely stricken. “Oh my God, I didn't mean it that way, Bucky, I swear I didn't --”

Bucky cut him off, a hand over his mouth.  _ I know. Breathe, Steve.  _ _ Calm.  _ _ It was a joke. _

Steve closed his eyes tightly, and took a deep breath. “Sorry.”

Bucky stood up and went over to Steve, wrapping his arms around his lover's broad shoulders and pulling him close, his head resting against Bucky's belly. Fuck, he should have started with this.

“'m sorry.”

Shhh, shh. None of that. Bucky stroked Steve's hair, and leaned over to kiss the crown of his head. He plunked himself down in Steve's lap and kissed his cheek, scritching the back of his neck.

Steve smiled a little. “Stop. I don't need this.”

Don't need? Or don't want?

“Uh.” 

Oh Jesus Lord in heaven. Steve either didn't know the difference, or hadn't considered it before.  _ If you need space, or don't want to be touched, that's okay too. _

“I know.” Steve looked at Bucky and bit his lip. “You know I love you...”

_ And you know you don't need to put riders on everything you tell me _ Bucky typed, kissed Steve firmly on the forehead, and went back to his seat.  _ I get it. _

Steve nodded, and put his head down on the table, resting it on his crossed arms. “Can we just hang out?”

Bucky shrugged.  Yes. you don't have to ask for that. N-e-t-f-l-i-x? he fingerspelled out.

Steve nodded. “Yeah. Thanks.”

_ We're friends too, remember? _ Bucky typed.  _ I do actually like just hanging out with you. _

“Um. Good.” Steve's cheeks were burning red, which meant it was past time to set up Bucky's big monitor and mainline  _ Bob's Burgers _ for a good few hours.

Steve quietly announced he was going to go home to sleep, and Bucky nodded, doing his hardest to show Steve that he was allowed to do this, that Bucky would  _ prefer _ he took care of himself.

“I'll text you tomorrow?” Steve asked, and Bucky nodded, and hugged him goodnight. He got a text less than an hour later, though.  


 

_ **Steeb:** you understand _

_ **Bucky:** yes,  Steve . I really do. _

_ **Steeb:** I'm so sorry. _


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: This is pretty much a chapter-long meditation on depression, and how it manifests. Bucky at one point mentions being suicidal in the past, but doesn't go into detail. If you worry about being triggered, or can't take it right now, I'll provide a summary of the plot beats at the end which'll set you up for the next chapter. Please take care of yourselves, my loves.

_**Steeb:** hey, how are you?_

_**Your Bucky:** can't complain. you?_

_**Steeb:** okay. better than Tuesday :) (Also ha, nice changing your name in my phone again)_

_**Your Bucky:** (mwahahaha. of course I did.) and i'm really glad to hear that, love. :* _

_**Steeb:** Aw, Buck_

_**Your Bucky:** Like I'm not saving up hugs and kisses for when you feel ready for them._

_**Steeb:** Don't do that..._

_**Your Bucky:** I am a grown-ass man, you can't tell me what to do_

_**Steeb:** Oh my God, I love you._

_**Your Bucky:** as you should. You wanna get coffee later, baby?_

_**Steeb:** Yeah! I'll be there, promise._

_**Your Bucky:** It's okay if you can't, but yeah, it'd be nice to see my guy :)_

_**Steeb:** ditto. hey. thank you so much for understanding._

_**Your Bucky:** of course. Stevie, I've been there. I go there still, sometimes. It's okay, love. Anything you need, I'm here for you._

_**Steeb:** I'm sorry you know what this feels like._

_**Your Bucky:** Yeah, it really blows. Just remember that a lot of people love you, okay? I'm just one of many._

_**Steeb:** You're a pretty special one, Buck. But I'll remember. Promise._

_**Your Bucky:** Good. Love you, Stevie._

_**Steeb:** Love you too. See you soon :)_

 

Steve was already at their usual table when Bucky came in. He caught his eye and couldn't help a crooked smile, ducking his head when Bucky started walking towards him.

Bucky grinned back and crossed the room with big strides, arms already out to pull Steve into a big hug.

“Hi you,” Steve murmured, and Bucky rubbed his back a little bit. He kissed Bucky's cheek, a little hesitantly.

hello gorgeous . Bucky kissed Steve hello, and squeezed his hand.  you want anything?

“Nah, but thank you. I got us some mini-cupcakes already, if you wanna share?”

Bucky definitely wanted to share, which he communicated by stealing a particularly well-iced cupcake and stuffing his face while he ordered a coffee.  He rejoined Steve at their table, giving him his best smile, and set up his iPad so Steve could see his typing.  _ hey you _

“Hey.” Steve's smile was tentative, but genuine. “ Bucky, are you really not mad at me? I was awful to you,  and then disappeared for a few days. ”

_ I missed you, because I'm sort of besotted, but I trust you to take care of yourself.  I'm not thrilled  about how you spoke to me. You don't get to talk to me like that, okay? But right now's not the time, love. We'll talk, a lot, when you feel better _

“I'm not gonna break in two,” Steve muttered.

_ But you're also prickly and  angry . And sad. So now's not the time, I think. I'd rather not, anyway.  Don't fight well, remember? _

Steve winced. “Do I ever. Right, we talk when  it'll make sense for us .” He reached out and stroked the back of Bucky's wrist. “And you remember that I love you, and it'll take more than a few fights to drive me away.”

Bucky smiled, and touched the back of Steve's wrist  in return .  I remember. how are you? truth.

Steve sighed, and gave Bucky a sad half-smile. “I don't know. Not sad exactly, not anymore. Not...hopeless,” he said carefully. “Like...did you ever see the movie  _ Wings of Desire _ ?”

Bucky wrinkled his nose.  Sounds awful

Steve laughed. “It isn't, the title just translates badly into English. It's an amazing movie, about these angels in Berlin. And it's black and white and sepia when it's the angels' point of view, and color when it's people, because the angels can move around and hear people and witness them and even affect them a little, but they're...they can't have a full experience of life, you know? No taste, no color, no pain, no warmth, no cold.  That's what it feels like,” he finished quietly. “Like I'm in the world, but not really experiencing it.”

_ that's almost worse than being sad. at least sad, I always know i'm in the world. _

“You really do get it,” Steve said with a small smile.

_ I really do. and questions I have to ask: is it bad enough to see your psych.? how much do I need to worry about you, baby? _

His boyfriend groaned at that. “You and Sam and Clint should start a club or something. And I called her the other day. This is...within the bounds of human experience, I guess?” He shrugged. “I'm not planning to kill myself, or harm myself. If it keeps up we'll mess with my meds, but I've had these dips before. They suck, but...the  drugs are still working, as far as we can tell. So you don't have to worry.”

_ I don't have to worry AS MUCH you mean. and good. _

Steve shook his head. “I give up, honestly.” He sighed, and tried for another smile. “I'll just be a miserable git for awhile.”

_ My miserable git. _

“ As I said , you're crazy,” Steve said, and winked, and Bucky  visibly relaxed. And Steve tried not to meditate on how much he had worried Bucky, and how being apart hadn't helped.

“Do you get depressed a lot?” Steve asked softly.

_ not anymore. really really really bad after the accident. wanted to die, truly, even had plans. never that bad again, but I get a few days here and there. maybe once a year get really sad? it's under control, I guess. you may have noticed I am extremely in touch with my own mental state. _

Steve smiled a little. “I got that. What can I do to help, when you get low?”

_ Be with me. love me. kiss me. make me live in the world. contact helps. reminding me there's lots I  CAN do helps a lot. _

“You have no idea how much I'm on that,” Steve said seriously.  Loving on his man, nudging him to live, reminding him how he could do anything in the world he wanted to; these were things he could do every day and ask for more.

_ you're better without touch, yeah? _

“ I guess ,” Steve admitted. “ I don't know.  I need...to know you're there. But not crowd me, if that makes sense?”  He flushed. “No one's ever asked me what I need before. I don't...I figure it out as I go along.”

_oh love. long as you tell me when you need me. OR when you need breathing room._

“ Yeah. I mean, I lash out if I'm being smothered, as you've learned.” He  felt a little ill, meeting Bucky's gaze, all compassion and care . “And for God's sake, I have no right, ever, to be mean or rude to you. Tell my mother on me if you have to, but don't let me get away with shit. I'll try to. I'm an asshole like that.”

_ I won't. Please don't call yourself an asshole, Steve. _ Bucky typed .

Steve flushed. “Sorry. But...yeah. Sorry.” He sighed, and smiled a little. “Hey. I don't care how down I am, if you need me, you call me, okay? You come first.”

_ Thank for that, love, but don't. Take care of yourself first. With all my love in the world, that's what I'll be doing. _

“Oh, be all  sensible . And all right. But you're  _ also _ first, how's that?”

Bucky rolled his eyes, and Steve actually laughed, and turned his hand so that his fingers curled around Bucky's.

They talked of other things then, sharing cupcakes and coffee until nearly closing time, and only the desperate looks from Wanda and Thor got them outside into the freezing night.

“Text me sometime tomorrow?” Steve asked, and Bucky nodded. He was bundled up against the cold, not much more than his eyes visible, and  was, of course, adorable.

“Good.” Steve pulled him into a long hug. “I love you.  Have a good night, Bucky .”

Bucky  traced a heart onto Steve's back and hugged back tightly, before they went their separate ways.

They texted the next day, but Bucky was going out to  Becca 's for dinner,  and  then Steve had to work late on a project that suddenly had a much closer deadline than he'd expected, and all in all, it wasn't until a few days later, on a Sunday evening, that they were able to have dinner together again. 

 

“ C'mon, I have a treat for dessert,” Steve  said after they'd finished eating , and stood up, stacking their dishes. “No, don't you dare help. Go get comfy in my bedroom, okay?” He leaned over and kissed Bucky lightly. “It's time I started apologizing for being so awful to you.”

Bucky  grinned , and kissed him back.  you weren't that bad!  what do you have planned?

“The faster you  get out of my hair and let me get it together , the sooner you'll find out,” Steve  threatened , because even when he was head-over-heels in love and happy, he was a little shit.

Bucky giggled silently, and took himself off to Steve's bedroom, curling up on top of his duvet and snuggling into the pillows.  He really, really loved his boyfriend's bed.

Steve let himself in just a few minutes later, holding a plate with an absolutely exquisite-looking cake on it. “A little bird told me you like tiramisu.”

Bucky's eyes widened, and he kissed Steve soundly as soon as he was  with in arm's reach.  favorite!

Steve laughed, and settled down next to Bucky, well within cuddling range. “This is the best in the  borough , I gua ra ntee it,” he said, and cut off a little corner, gathering it up on the fork and feeding it to Bucky. “Good?” he asked.

Bucky nodded hard, and giggled when Steve took the next bite, and moaned, clearly without planning to. “Holy shit.”

The next bite was for Bucky,  and the one after that. Steve was clearly about to feed him the whole thing, until Bucky physically pushed the fork towards Steve's mouth.  Share with me

Steve smiled and took a bite from time to time, but fully two-thirds of the sweetie went to Bucky. Although Bucky did manage to swipe his fingertip through the last bits of it, and feed it to Steve, who suckled his fingers, humming softly.

Bucky's eyes softened, and he leaned in for a coffee-sweet kiss, arms curling around Steve's torso and pulling him close.

“Hey,” Steve murmured, moving the plate and fork and wrapping his arms around Bucky in return, the two of them content to lie together, sipping kisses back and forth. Bucky ran his hand up Steve's shirt and rubbed his back, but didn't push further.

“Sorry,” Steve murmured. “Sex drive is the first to  go .” Another kiss. “I can...for you. If you want?”

Bucky shook his head.

“I can also ask that in a way that  _ doesn't _ make me sound like a child bride on her wedding night,” Steve said dryly, and Bucky laughed – but still shook his head no.

not fun if it's only me coming. I like this, steve, this is good. Bucky nibbled a little under Steve's ear, and noticed the new hearing aide. He kissed the soft skin just under Steve's earlobe, but didn't otherwise comment.

“Yeah. So. That's me, now,” Steve mumbled.

I love you now Another kiss, curling close, keeping his hands free to sign.  thank you for dessert. perfect.

Steve smiled, and traced the outer edge of Bucky's eyes. “Do you mind staying the night?”

Bucky shook his head hard.  you know I have a thing for your bed

“You only love me for my duvet.”

a little Bucky giggled, and pinched Steve's belly. 

“Eh, can't say I blame you.” Steve kissed a quick line across Bucky's collarbones. “Long as you can put up with me at the same time, you can take up permanent residence.”

Bucky smiled fondly, and touched their noses together.  you're the best part

“God, you're fuckin' sappy tonight,” Steve  accused , but he bent  and pressed his face to Bucky's chest,  letting Bucky hold him close for as long as he liked, messing up Steve's hair with kisses.

 

“Yes, yes, oh Christ, yes, fuck, harder,  _ harder,”  _ Steve wailed, dropping his head into his arms, muffling his cries when Bucky changed his angle and fuck  _ fuck _ that was so good, his boyfriend was so strong, the slap of skin on skin so obscene oh  _ God – _

He came untouched, screaming Bucky's name and getting fucked mercilessly through his orgasm, Bucky's hands warm and soothing, rubbing his back, squeezing his shoulders as Steve came down, shuddering, his lover so hard still in him.

Steve woke with a start, the sheets sticky, cock still in hand. It was two days after Bucky had spent the night, the two of them kissing each other to sleep.

“Well, shit,” he said to the ceiling. “Welcome back sex drive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter plot points: Steve and Bucky discuss how they need help when they get depressed, with emphasis on Steve's need to be alone and take care of himself. As his depression lifts (in the natural up-and-down of things), Bucky spends the night, with lots of cuddles and kisses. The chapter ends with the rather...explosive...return of Steve's sex drive.
> 
>  
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com Come hang out with me!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will have you all know that I rewrote the end of this because it was too disgustingly fluffy and sappy EVEN FOR ME.
> 
> You're welcome.

**Your Bucky:** _Steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve. I'm so booooooooooored._

**Steeb:** _Only boring people get bored._

**Your Bucky:** _I'm gonna tell your mother you told me that_

**Steeb:** _Oh God she'll do a victory dance or something._

**Steeb:** _Oh shit._

**Steeb:** _This means you have my mother's number, don't you?_

**Your Bucky:** _Well, yeah._

**Steeb:** _Oh God._

**Steeb:** _I'm doomed._

**Your Bucky:** _Well, yeah._

**Steeb:** _I'm moving to a new continent._

**Your Bucky:** _Whatever, more Sunday dinners all to myself._

**Steeb:** _Hah._

**Steeb:** _Hey, you know you can go over anytime, right? I'm pretty sure Mom loves you more than she loves me._

**Your Bucky:** _Well, obviously. I am more lovable in every way._

**Your Bucky:** _And thanks. that means a lot._

**Steeb:** _I mean it, Buck. She'd *love* to have you over more. With or without me._

**Your Bucky:** _Hey, you gotta come too! But yeah. Thanks._

**Your Bucky:** _I_

**Your Bucky:** _missed having a mom._

**Steeb:** _oh baby_

**Steeb:** _oh, Bucky, love._

**Steeb:** _I don't know what to say._

**Your Bucky:** _Nah, sorry, that was sort of maudlin._

**Steeb:** _That's okay, sweetheart. How long's it been?_

**Your Bucky:** _Almost five years._

**Steeb:** _I'm so sorry, Buck. That must have been so rough._

**Your Bucky:** _Yeah. car accident. both of them._

**Steeb:** _oh my God. Baby, I'm so, so sorry. That's awful._

**Your Bucky:** _it was pretty shit, yeah_

**Your Bucky:** _hey, i'm sorry. I really meant to be sweetly annoying._

**Steeb:** _don't feel bad about things like this, ever. Promise me?_

**Your Bucky:** _i'll try :)_

**Your Bucky:** _so, uh, going back to bugging you. Wanna come over tonight?_

**Steeb:** _yeah. I might not be up for much – I really do have a headache! it turns out that the world is very loud and full of sounds. who knew._

**Your Bucky:** _hah. oh, stevie. I can promise you nice and quiet._

**Steeb:** _Oh my God, you really can. Bucky, you're an actual angel._

**Your Bucky:** _think hard about that one_

**Steeb:** _no really. my quiet, beautiful man._

**Your Bucky:** _come straight here, we'll skip the cafe_

**Steeb:** _no! I mean, I gotta learn to deal with this shit._

**Your Bucky:** _i'm pretty sure god doesn't give you an award for suffering_

**Steeb:** _so have we talked yet about how I was raised Catholic?_

**Your Bucky:** _Point._

**Steeb:** _Also it's not like i'm moving to a warzone. Just...dealing with more input than usual, in a way i'm not used to. it sounds different, with the hearing aides. I mean, different than when it was just my ears._

**Your Bucky:** _wow, I didn't realize that._

**Your Bucky:** _ok i'll meet you at the cafe_

**Your Bucky:** _but if you wind up truly miserable, i'm happy to come back to my place anytime. fair?_

**Steeb:** ngh. fine _._

**Your Bucky:** _good. see you at four, love._

**Steeb:** _:*_

 

“I cannot believe I survived three hours next to a table of teenagers,” Steve informed Bucky's ceiling.

Bucky snickered silently, and bent over to kiss Steve's forehead.

can we sign? or can I sign to you? Steve asked.  I can't even stand my own voice

Bucky's smile was brilliant.  of course! wrap you up in quiet.

Steve sighed, and let his eyes slip shut, holding his arms out for Bucky and hugging him tightly for a moment.

Bucky petted Steve's hair and kissed his forehead, stroking the back of his neck until he relaxed and opened his eyes again.

you okay? you were sad earlier Steve signed.

i'm okay. just had a moment of missing my mom. it happens

Steve nodded and kissed Bucky, trying to put tenderness into it.  i'm so sorry, Bucky.

Bucky smiled and shrugged, but cuddled a little closer.  they were really good parents. it's a little bit their fault I don't speak, but they worked so hard for me.

of course. you deserve it. not because you're m-u-t-e. because you're YOU Steve signed, finger-spelling when he stumbled across a word he didn't know.

m-u-t-e, mute Bucky signed, and Steve smiled and copied him.  i'm ignoring you, m-u-s-h-f-a-c-e.

Steve giggled, and kissed Bucky on the cheek.  what, close your eyes?

Bucky threw his head back and laughed silently.  that's what my sisters did. He closed his eyes tight, tight.  it would make me CRAZY c-r-a-z-y he signed, spelling out just in case.

Steve grinned and tugged hard on Bucky's hair, until Bucky opened his eyes again, and he kissed the tip of his nose.  were you a happy kid?

Bucky shrugged, and reached for his phone.  _ sorry, this calls for a lot of nuance, writing is better I think? I wasn't...unh _ _ appy. I was really traumatized,  _ _ obviously _ _. spent  _ _ a fair amount of _ _ time in inpatient care,  _ _ then lots and lots and lots of outpatient _ _. I don't remember a lot of that  _ _ time _ _ , other than playing games with therapists. _

Steve smiled softly, and kissed Bucky's temple as he read over his shoulder. “It sounds complex,” he mu r mured, and Bucky nodded.

_complex. complex works. I had a lot good, but I wasn't doing so good. make sense?_

“Mmhmm.” Another little kiss. Bucky pretty much never opened up about his childhood; this called for careful treading. “Can I ask why you didn't get help at first?”

_ yes, but I honestly don't know. not something I wanted to ask about. _ Bucky leaned his head against Steve's.  _ my avoidance tactics started young _

Steve pinched him. “Hey, you're doing great, Buck. We talk when you get upset now.” Another pinch. “I get to love on you when you're upset now.”

Bucky  rolled his eyes.  _ I had a lot of shittiness in my childhood, but it got better. it got so much better, steve. _ He blinked hard, and smiled.  _ I had no idea how much better it could get. _

“Oh, baby,” Steve breathed, and nudged Bucky's cheek until he turned his head for  an absolutely heartbreaking kiss. “It can be so good.  _ So _ good.”

_ you remember that in the bad times, okay? _ Bucky kissed him softly.  _ what about you? _

“When I was little?” Steve shrugged. “It was okay. We didn't have a lot of money, that sucked. I was sick a  _ lot _ , which sucked even more. In and out of the hospital for a few years.” He smiled wryly. “Adolescence helped a little. Still got kind've a bum heart,  and all the other shit,  but I get by. I was a really angry kid.”

So that changed Bucky signed, completely straight-faced.

“Oh, bite me.” Steve said, and poked him in the side.

Bucky giggled, and snuggled close, his head resting on Steve's shoulder.  _ feel better? _

“Mmm. Shove me awake if I fall asleep.”

_the hell I will. nap, baby boy. dinner'll be ready when you wake up._

“The only reason you're getting away with calling me baby boy is I'm too tired to do anything,” Steve informed him, and promptly fell asleep.

 

Steve held the door open for Bucky because he could be a gentleman when he wanted to, and also it let him check out the little lunch place Nat had recommended to them. It was pleasantly quiet and mostly-empty on a winter Tuesday morning, more or less exactly as he had hoped.

They went up to the counter together, after working out what they wanted – the menu was small, but looked nice enough. “Hey, my boyfriend is mute, so I'll order for both of us if that's okay?”

“Yeah, of course, what can I get you?” the girl there said, grinning at both of them.

Steve ordered them both coffee and sandwiches. The girl typed it in and asked something – most of which he didn't catch, thanks to the world's loudest passing truck outside. “Sorry, can you say that again?”

A look of annoyance flared across her features. “I said, do you prefer light or dark roast?” she asked, emphasizing each word.

“I'm hard of hearing, not stupid,” Steve informed her dryly, but didn't try to hide how pissed off he was. If she'd just spoken up in the _first_ place... “Also, light, for both of us,” he confirmed, when Bucky nodded. There were two points of red in his cheeks – he wasn't particularly impressed either.

She turned bright red. “I'm sorry. I'm...I'm sorry. I'll g-get your coffee right now, we'll bring your sandwiches over to you,” she said, and filled two mugs for them, handing them across the counter.

Steve and Bucky sat down, both of them rolling their eyes. Well, way to be not impressive so far.

They chatted about the usual things – Clint wanted a dog, Nat and Bucky had gotten drinks the other weekend, shit we have a comic book we should probably look at, and the weird moment was, temporarily, forgotten.

Their sandwiches arrived accompanied by the single biggest piece of chocolate cake Steve had ever laid eyes on, and a note, scribbled on the back of an order print-out.

_Hey – I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I'd had a string of people just flat-out ignoring me all morning, and was kind of sick of it hours ago. But I should never have been so rude to you. Hope you like the cake, it's amazing. I'm so, so sorry. – M_

“Well, now I feel like a shit,” Steve said, and showed the note to Bucky.

she's right about not being rude, but yeah. it sucks Bucky agreed, and took a bite of the cake, and, well, if Steve hadn't been already very, very familiar with his O-face, he would be now.  TASTE THIS

“Guh,” was what Steve came up with. “Holy shit.”

Bucky nodded hard. steve we are coming back for more cake

“Um. Yes.” He blinked a few times because just holy shit.

The rest of the food was good, if not orgasm-inducing, and they savored the cake slowly, trading off taking bites until it was finally gone.

Steve went up to pay, and there was someone new at the register. “Hey, is there girl who took our order around? Tall, short hair?”

“Yeah, I'll get here,” said the guy, and their giver of cake appeared, drying her hands.

She visibly went pale seeing Steve, and oh good Christ, her hands were shaking. “Hi,” she said quietly but clearly, and Steve remembered all the stories Clint had told about people being nasty to him for no good reason.

“Hey,” he said and smiled. “Thanks for the cake, you're right, it was amazing.”

“Yeah, it's one of our best things.” She smiled tentatively. “I'm glad you liked it.”

“A lot,” Steve said, and decided she'd been through enough. Her hands were still shaking. “Thanks again. For everything. See you next time?”

She let out a breath, and gave him a dazzling smile. “Yeah. See you next time.”

Steve and Bucky headed for home, hand-in-hand despite the cold. “That...ended better than I thought it would.”

Bucky shrugged and pulled his hand away to sign. not everyone is out to get us. I forget that too

“Mmm. Yeah, considering how we met...” Steve shrugged, and looped his arm around Bucky's waist. “Hey you,” he murmured, and nosed – well, Bucky's hat, because it was late January and thus freezing out.

Bucky leaned into him, and they walked home in the winter sunshine.

 

Bucky checked his text messages, and more or less immediately blushed.

“What? _Whaaaat?_ ” Clint asked, because he had no boundaries.

you don't want to see

“Yes I do!”

So Bucky showed him, and, predictably, Clint screamed like a small child and Bucky got to feel smug. Steve had taken to making dirty sketches of himself, Bucky, or both of them together to warm-up or take a break.  T he best ones got shared,  which was why Clint now knew what Bucky looked like when he was lying  naked on his side smiling at Steve  and pretty clearly post-coital .

don't be nosy Bucky suggested, and Clint shuddered. 

“Ugh, losers,” he mumbled, and reached for another slice of pizza.

_ love it, baby _ Bucky texted later.  _ miss being like that with you. _

_**Steeb:** me too. being busy sucks :( better after this weekend, I swear_

Bucky smiled, and curled up a little tighter in his quilt.  _ good, I miss my bed-warmer. _

_**Steeb:** I miss my dom_

Oh. Well. Hello there.  _ you need my ropes, darling? _

_**Steeb:** Not need, but want. it's been awhile, and then my stupid sex drive took a holiday :/_

_**Your Bucky:** Hey, stop that. You had a bad time of it, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to fuck. What can I do to make you happy, Steve?_

_**Steeb:** Exist :P _

_**Steeb:** I wish I could see your face right now_

_**Your Bucky:** IMG2039483.jpg_

_**Steeb:** Yeah, I'm pretty disgusted with myself now too._

_**Steeb:** But to answer your question. This?_

_**Steeb:** rope_idea_23.jpg_

_**Your Bucky:** Oooooh. Yes, I will definitely hog-tie you, love. Tie you up so you can't move, feed you my dick, get you off so slowly you'll be screaming my name. Oh yes._

_**Steeb:** Bucky._

_**Steeb:** Buck._

_**Steeb:** Would you fuck me?_

_**Your Bucky:** WOULD I EVER. God yes, especially with you tied up like this we can be on our sides as sweet and easy as you please._

_**Your Bucky:** by which I mean you are going to be one thoroughly fucked man, Steve. If you're not useless for the next day, I won't have done my job._

_**Steeb:** tell me about it_

_**Your Bucky:** i'll tie you up, wrists to ankles so that you're bent over, that gorgeous ass on display. I might kiss you, maybe. If you're VERY good. Then you're going to suck my dick until I'm hard, not that that will take long, but I know you love cock in your mouth, baby. I'll open you up nice and easy, and fuck you, and that will NOT be nice and easy. It'll be messy and hard and exactly the way you want it, until you're screaming, and making yourself filthy with your own come._

_**Steeb:** oh god buck_

_**Your Bucky:** i'll jerk you off if you need it, but I bet I can make you come untouched, just my cock, fucking your mouth and your ass._

_**Steeb:** bucky_

_**Your Bucky:** you're jerking off to this, right?_

_**Steeb:** past tense_

_**Your Bucky:** show me a picture, steve_

_**Steeb:** IMG2930.jpg_

_**Your Bucky:** Oh, you beauty. my good good GOOD boy. you did that just for me didn't you._

_**Your Bucky:** There is nothing more gorgeous than your cock across your messy belly_

_**Your Bucky:** you know just what I like baby, you take such good care of me._

_**Steeb:** good. all I want to do._

_**Your Bucky:** you're the best boyfriend. and you're an amazing sub. i'm so lucky to have you, darling._

_**Steeb:** aw buck_

_**Your Bucky:** my precious, my good boy. my sweet boy who knows what I like. you have no idea how much I gloat about you._

_**Steeb:** stop using my praise kink against me, i'm bright red_

_**Your Bucky:** oh, is that the only reason?_

_**Steeb:** Ha fuckin' ha_

_**Your Bucky:** Irish boy. hey, for real, can you come over tonight? Even if it's just before bed, at least we can spend the night together?_

_**Steeb:** I really can't, love, got so much to finish I'm gonna be working into the wee hours._

_**Steeb:** I'm sorry I'm so overworked and am a shitty boyfriend :(_

_**Your Bucky:** Yeah, wow, why did I ever decide to date an insanely talented artist. what ever was I thinking. I don't get to be excited about how gifted you are, and how much recognition you're getting or anything even._

_**Steeb:** buckyyyyyyyy_

_**Your Bucky:** :P my job's not exciting I have to live through you_

_**Steeb:** shut your damn mouth. _

_**Steeb:** so to speak_

_**Your Bucky:** hah!_

_**Steeb:** you make words sing. you're brilliant – you think I don't know translating is hard? you think in two languages, which is amazing to me. you breathe in one culture, and breathe out another, my wise boy. I'm so proud to be your boyfriend._

_**Your Bucky:** steve_

_**Your Bucky:** oh, stevie._

_**Steeb:** uh huh, suck it kiddo._

_**Your Bucky:** we're so gross_

_**Steeb:** you started it!_

_**Your Bucky:** oh my god you child_

_**Steeb:** hah! Right, okay, I really do have to get back to work. Go do something fun and think of me._

_**Your Bucky:** A healthy round of masturbation it is!_

** Steeb _:_ ** _That's my boy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feed off of your comments and love, just fyi.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, and for your comments! They really do keep me going on this behemoth :)
> 
> Here, have another chapter where the sex scenes are so long, I had to split it up...

Steve let himself into Bucky's studio, rather pleased he had his own key. He'd finished up a little earlier than intended, and planned to make up for being a shitty, shitty boyfriend for the past few weeks. Bucky had to be in town for work, but Steve  _ knew _ he was coming straight back home, and knew he would be alone. Or else he probably wouldn't quite have the courage to strip down to his skin, pile all the pillows on Bucky's bed, and drape himself across them; his boyfriend's very own private fucktoy.

He almost dove off of the bed when he heard the key in the lock, but then Bucky let himself in and the look of shock and definite pleasure on his face – okay, this was worth it.

“Hi, baby,” Steve said, and pushed himself up to sit, long legs still splayed across the cushions.

Bucky grinned, and it was – not his usual grin. Feral and hungry. He walked across the room and bent over to give Steve an absolutely searing kiss.

“Hi,” Steve breathed, and Bucky stroked his side, his hand cold against Steve's skin.

“Don't you wear gloves?” Steve scolded, and took Bucky's hands in his, rubbing them and kissing the fingertips. “Honestly.”

Bucky laughed silently and let Steve fuss over him until his hands were warm, and he kissed Steve in thanks.

nice surprise!

Steve grinned. “I got done early. And I wanted to do something nice for you.”

this is  VERY NICE Bucky signed, and ran his hand over the curve of Steve's ass,  clearly  admiring.

“I'm your slave tonight, love,” Steve said softly. “Here for your slightest whim. My body is your...your plaything. I'm here purely for your pleasures.”

Bucky's smile  softened and he petted Steve's back.  take off my coat and shoes  please , love

Steve hurried to obey, slipping off Bucky's big winter coat and hanging it by the door, then helping him out of his shoes, rubbing warmth into his toes while Bucky sat on the end of the bed.

Bucky stroked his cheek and smiled  down at him  when Steve finished.  Good. you're so good, my Steve

Steve preened a little, and rested his head on Bucky's knee. “What else can I do for you?” he asked softly.

Bucky rubbed his thumb against Steve's lips,  and pulled out his cell phone.  _ My beautiful, beautiful  _ _ man _ _ , my sweetheart! You're so good to me. I don't really like the slave thing, though. Come and snuggle with me, and we'll work out a dynamic that's good for both of us? _

Steve flushed a deep, dull crimson. “Oh, God. I should have cleared it with you. I...fuck, I'm sorry. I know better, honest. I'm sorry.”

_ For what? Loving me? Wanting to make me happy and spoil me and show your gorgeous body off to me? _ Bucky shook his head, and pulled Steve up beside him, kissing him firmly.  _ You didn't do a single thing wrong,  Steve . Not one thing, got it? This just isn't my kink, is all. _ He winked.  _ although a guy could get used to having a manservant. _

Steve smiled, and rested his head on Bucky's shoulder. “I really do want to do nice things for you,” he said softly. “I haven't been a whole lot of fun as a boyfriend, and you deserve a little extra treat.”

Bucky kissed his forehead.  _ you've been busy, that's allowed. I love you. _ Another tender kiss.  _ You can make dinner, all right? And give me a backrub, my arm aches in the cold. but...do it as  yourself , my friend and my lover? Not as part of a scene? _

“Oh, Buck. Of course,” Steve said, reading over Bucky's shoulder. “I'd love to make you dinner and give you a massage.” A little kiss under his ear. “Can you tie me up really soon, though? Like we talked about.”

Bucky nodded.  _ tomorrow? we'll both be relaxed then. Can play for hours. _ He grinned, expression wolfish.  _ fuck you good and hard, I promise _

Steve sighed, and let himself lean heavy on Bucky for a moment. “God, yes,” he breathed.

Bucky smiled, and cuddled him close.  _ Promise me you're happy with this? We can negotiate more, always. _

“I'm really happy,” Steve assured him. “I'll, uh, go put pants on. What do you want for dinner?” He put his hand over Bucky's face when a slow smile started up. “I swear to God, Buck, if you say you want my cock , I am walking out  of this apartment . ”

Bucky giggled silently, and licked the palm of Steve's hand.

“ You are gross,” Steve informed him, but cautiously removed his hand.

I have stuff for pasta, is that good for you?

“Yeah. I'll come up with something.

also your cock Bucky signed  _ very _ quickly, and Steve sighed.

 

Much later that night, Steve ran his hands over Bucky's back one last time, and bent over to kiss his shoulder. “How's that?” he murmured, and Bucky rolled over, grinning sleepily up at him.

“Good?” Steve confirmed, and laughed when Bucky pulled him down for a hug.

“Good,” Steve whispered, and wrapped his arms around Bucky. “Oh, I missed you,” he sighed, and Bucky nodded into his shoulder. “Thank you for understanding,” he said  into Bucky's warm skin.

Bucky traced a heart onto his back, then gently pulled away, reaching for his phone.  _ love, you don't have to keep apologizing, or thanking me. would  YOU be angry if I got really busy? _

“No! Of course not! That's just...Christ, I'd be  _ happy _ for you, and maybe I'd miss you a lot and shut up stop it I am normally not this easy to trick, you know,” Steve argued, crossing his arms.

_ Yeah, you kinda are. _ Bucky typed, and smiled.  _ Is this a Brock thing? _

“Kind of? I don't know. It's all...maybe he really did just miss me when we didn't have much time together,” Steve offered.

_you're pretty missable, love._

“ Aw , shut up. I don't know. He never got... _ angry _ , you know?  Oh, a nd he didn't do the slave role-play thing,  by the way, ” Steve said, to Bucky's totally undisguised relief. “I don't know. It's all...I mean, memories are weird things.”

Bucky nodded, and hugged Steve, gently steering him away from that train of thought.  _ they are. but I can spell out for you, clearly, that I'll never get angry if you're busy. We still hung out plenty! Just not as much as we were used to. And if I'd really needed you, I know you would have been there. _

“Damn straight,” Steve said, and wrapped himself around Bucky, tucking his head under his lover's chin. “How's your arm?” he asked softly.

Bucky tapped his shoulder to get him to back off a little, so he could see Bucky sign.  Better. Thank you. Sleep now?

“Sleep now,” Steve agreed, and sat up to take care of his hearing aides  for the night , and slip his glasses off. He went gratefully back into Bucky's arms, tucking himself close again. He couldn't  really hear Bucky's heartbeat  despite lying in the perfect spot,  and spared a moment for sorrow over that, then ignored it. Bucky was rubbing his back, slow and soothing, and he fell asleep to his lover's touch.

 

Bucky settled crosslegged on the bed and breathed deep and slow, calming himself. Not that there was much stress to let go of – they'd slept late, and spent most of the morning cuddling, watching YouTube videos, and eating. Steve had nudged him onto his belly again and soothed away the pain in his shoulder and back. Bucky had, to put it frankly, been spoilt rotten.

He'd taken first shower, so he could arrange his ropes while Steve got himself clean. Not that there would be many – Bucky had decided to go for simplicity. He'd toyed with the idea of actually working out how to hoist Steve up via a rope running to his ceiling, but didn't trust himself to get through the practicalities safely. So Steve would be on his side most of the afternoon, wrists and ankles tied together. Eventually. Bucky prided himself on his creativity as a dom.

He had put jeans back on, but Steve was politely ordered to reappear completely naked, which he did. His skin still glowed from the heat of the shower, his short hair just a little bit damp, floppy and soft without any product in it. Steve smelled like Bucky's soap and shampoo, and couldn't hide how eager he was.

Bucky grinned and held out his arms, and Steve curled up, his head in Bucky's lap. Bucky set his iPad up so he could type one-handed and Steve could read the text while Bucky finger-combed his hair with his free hand.

_I am the luckiest dom in the world, to have you._

“Stop it,” Steve groaned, curling over a bit.

Bucky laughed – silent as always, but he knew Steve would feel it – and stroked Steve's back. _any physical things I should know about, love?_

Steve shook his head. “Nothing new, and you know all the old stuff.” After an offhand comment (that had resulted in Bucky doing an honest-to-god spit-take), they had sat down and gone over Steve's medical problems. Bucky was aghast at some of it, teared up a little when he learned about infant Steve's heart surgery, and gently scolded him for not sharing some of this _before_ the intensely physical scenes they'd done.

Bucky touched Steve's back in acknowledgement. _Traffic lights, or safeword? Or both?_

“Lights, please,” Steve said. “I know I'll remember those.”

Bucky nodded, and gently nudged Steve to turn face-up on his lap, letting his hand linger a little on Steve's shoulder, caressing the warm skin. He quickly ran through the signs for color, red, yellow, green and Steve smiled and copied him, speaking the words as he signed them.

I won't try to bruise you, but are you okay if there are marks?

“Yeah. I don't have meetings or anything for awhile, and I know you won't let me get really hurt.”

over my dead body Bucky signed quickly, and rubbed Steve's chest.  no hurting

“I know, baby. I trust you,” Steve murmured, and turned his face to rest on Bucky's lap for a moment.

Ready?

“Oh my God,  _ weeks _ ago,” Steve groaned, and Bucky laughed, and shoved Steve off his lap.

He didn't do a harness, or anything fancy this time. The ropes he used were plain black cotton, about as thick  around as his finger.  Bucky nudged Steve into sitting up, and kissed him – briefly, but with affection – then got to work.

Bucky laced Steve's wrists and forearms together with a delicate band of smooth rope and knots, just a few inches long. He did the same with Steve's ankles, and laid him out on his side, slipping a pillow under his head.

Steve gave an impatient wiggle. “I thought you were gonna hog-tie me?”

_I will. Patience_

“I'm not really a patient person, if you haven't noticed.”

_Yes, you are. When it's important_

Steve made a face. “I'm really not.”

_When I can't talk, you're patient with me. When I freeze and start to panic, you sit with me and wait it out. Stop pretending you're a bigger brat than you are._

Dull red rose in Steve's cheeks. “That's not patience,” he mumbled. “That's  _easy_ . 'n I am a brat.”

Bucky sighed, and pinched Steve's hip.  _you are right now. why are you pushing?_

Steve looked down, genuinely ashamed. “I don't know. I'm sorry Bucky. Really.”

A firm kiss on his forehead.  _you know I won't stop loving you over anything that happens here._ Another kiss.  _you need to give something, don't you? Just take the edge off._

Steve whimpered. “Please. Please Bucky, let me suck your cock, eat your ass out, anything.  _Please_ . ”

And oh  _hel_ lo. That was a new feeling, having his lover beg  that openly , and Bucky's cock  _definitely_ sat up and took notice.

_You're all tied up. You'll do what I tell you._

Steve smiled up through his eyelashes. “But you're my gentle dom. I know you'll make it good for me.”

Bucky shivered, and unconsciously rubbed his cock through his jeans, painfully hard now.  _I want to fuck your face, how's that for gentle?_

Steve grinned, reading the text. He  gazed up at Bucky, and started to inch across the bed. It was difficult, with wrists and ankles bound, but soon he was resting his head on Bucky's thigh  where he knelt on the bed, legs spread. _“_ Please,” he asked softly. “Let me give you this.  Please, Bucky,  _please_ ."

Bucky smiled proudly at him, and stroked his hair.  best boyfriend. best of men. of course . And he undid his jeans, pushing them down and letting his cock free, already aching, the tip wet where it curved up towards Bucky's belly.

Steve moaned softly and opened his mouth, but was at the wrong angle. Bucky rolled him onto his back and moved to straddle his shoulders, touching the tip of his cock to Steve's mouth. He tapped Steve twice on the shoulder to remind him of their nonverbal red.

Steve nodded and let his jaw drop, suckling greedily. Bucky rocked forward, pushing into Steve's mouth as slowly as he could, breathing carefully while Steve moaned, his tongue pulsing agains t the underside of Bucky's cock, his arms twitching. Bucky went as far as he knew was comfortable, then drew back just as slowly, ignoring for the moment Steve's whine of protest and the big blue eyes gazing up at him.

He thrust  quickly , unexpected, and Steve groaned his pleasure, taking it happily. Bucky withdrew again slowly, until the tip of his cock barely touched his lover's swollen lips. Liquid was already dribbling out the tip, and Steve reached with his tongue, lapping at it.

Another thrust. And Steve, the little shit that he was, gazed up at Bucky and gave one tiny, delicate gag.

Bucky rolled his eyes and, just for a moment, wished that Steve had a pain kink because he'd never in his life wanted to smack someone's ass so much as in that moment.  Dick.

Steve smirked, his mouth full of cock, and just for that Bucky pulled out again, almost coming when Steve made a soft, sad, whining sound.

Bucky stroked himself, shuddering when more precome beaded at the tip of his cock and Steve whimpered and strained for it.

Just a little more teasing, Bucky promised himself, as he let Steve have the head of his cock, tongue swirling around the ultra-sensitive skin, tasting where Bucky's foreskin was pulling back. One more thrust, slower this time, and then he found a rhythm, in and out, steady and easy and oh God the  _sounds_ Steve was making, hungry and begging and oh  _God._

Bucky thrust faster, fucking Steve's mouth just as he'd promised, not pushing too far, but giving them both what they wanted, finally, and it felt so _good_ , Steve knew exactly what felt best, tongue moving, moaning, suckling hard at just the right time until Bucky just gave up, held onto the headboard, and fucked that beautiful mouth, red lips stretched around his cock, until he shuddered, hips finally stilling, and came, feeling Steve swallow him down hungrily.

He gasped for breath even as his cock softened and slipped from Steve's mouth, and Jesus he must look dumb, limp sex hanging out of his jeans as he still knelt over his lover, but he looked down and the love, the _adoration_ in Steve's eye...Christ, Christ, no one should look at another person like that. It was too much, and it was perfect and right.

Bucky zipped his jeans back up and moved to kneel by Steve, sprawling a little and petting his cheek. beautiful mouth. my fantastic lover. perfect. made to be fucked. you're so good. i'm so lucky He signed slowly, one because his brain was not entirely working yet, and two because he wanted Steve to know how special he was, how good he was. What he meant to Bucky right now. my perfect sub. your mouth is PERFECT. you are perfect

Steve all but glowed in the praise, and Bucky figured that that's how he knew they'd found their dynamic. Usually Steve blushed, or hid his face, or protested. But right now, he ate up the praise, smiling up at Bucky. He _believed,_ because of course he did. Because Bucky was his dom, and his word was law.

Beautiful. I'm so proud. I have a treat for you .

Steve grinned at that. “Another one?”

Bucky laughed silently and switched to his iPad.  _ We haven't done sensation play yet, have we, beautiful? Gonna make you so sensitive. Bet I can make you come with a touch, once I'm done with you _

“Bet you can't,” Steve said, because his perfect, gorgeous sub was still, you know, his Stevie. 

_ I'll make you come with a touch. Then we'll rest a little. Then I'll fuck you so you feel me for the next week _

Steve  sighed and shuddered. “Promise?”

_ Promise. I love you. Do you need anything? Are you hungry? _

Steve  shook his head , sloe-eyed and happy. “I don't need anything. I love you too, Bucky.”

Bucky leaned over and gave Steve a little kiss,  a tiny reward for what was about to come.  _ I need to get something from under the bed, but I won't be out of arm's reach for more than a few moments, love. You're being really good. You might PRETEND to be a brat, but I know better. _

Steve chuckled. “Gotta keep my reputation up.”

Bucky tweaked his nose, and got off the bed, pulling a small box out from under it, and opening it where Steve couldn't see. A small buttplug – oh, that could be fun. A vibrator – maybe a bit much at the moment. A dildo – ditto. A big marabou feather was fun, but not  quite  enough at the moment. Instead Bucky picked a smaller feather, plain and grey, as though it had come from a pigeon. He took the buttplug as well – Steve was clearly in the mood for a little assplay, and it would make actually fucking him a lot nicer.

He returned to sit on the bed, smiling down at Steve warmly. He showed him the plug, and reached for the lube.

Steve sighed happily and lifted his legs, resting them on Bucky's shoulder when nudged to do so. He gave a happy moan when Bucky pressed a little lube into him, just a fingertip's worth, then some more, warm and easy and peppering kisses along Steve's calf and the side of his knee.

The little plug went in sweet and easy as could be, and Bucky rewarded Steve with a kiss. He showed him the feather, then set it aside, reaching for the last rope he'd prepared.

Moving careful and easy , he rocked Steve onto his side and lined up his wrists and ankles, binding them together tightly. His legs were bent, framed by his arms, and he was curled up on his side. Bucky considered the effect,  considered Steve's shoulders,  then manhandled him into sitting up.

Steve grinned at him,  and tested the bonds, finding that he could hardly move . “Oh, Buck. Thank you.”

Bucky just grinned back. Evilly.  And reached for the feather.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dietraumerei.tumblr.com


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I now have the next few chapters written (or, rather, we're caught up to some stuff I'd already written), so it should only be a few days between updates, hooray!

Steve raised an eyebrow, and gave a little shudder when Bucky ran the feathery tip over his cheekbone. It was stiff, but soft (like something else Bucky could name), and Steve let out a happy sigh.

Bucky was patient, though. He stroked the edge of the feather down Steve's cheek, then his neck. He used the soft tip to trace the collarbones that stood proud on Steve's chest, then brushed the flat of it down one bicep, then the other.

Slowly, deliberately, Bucky traced Steve's body with the feather, changing how he held it to vary the effect of the vanes. Soft and diffuse, or a little more pointed, with soft brushing motions. He drew great wings on Steve's back, feathering the tips down to the swell of his bottom. Then he outlined every muscle on Steve's long, long legs, using the edge of the feather to draw the soft curves, appearing to ignore the way Steve twitched and moaned. Of course, he tickled the bottoms of Steve's feet, grinning up at him. Steve tried to mock-kick him, and didn't even hide it.

They played, Bucky reaching into the little coil Steve's body made to brush the feather across his stomach, and just whisper it up his cock. Gradually, he played less, and touched more, until Steve was shivering, gasping every time Bucky touched a new spot with the feather.

Bucky moved to kneel where Steve couldn't see him, and waiting, quiet and still. Steve was shaking in front of him, the curve of his back to Bucky. A single silvery scar traced a line that begged to be followed.

Bucky counted five of his own breaths, slow and steady, then quick, quick, ran the hard tip of the quill down Steve's spine, a single raking motion.

Steve _screamed_ , his body twisting, simultaneously trying to get away and leaning into the first firm touch on his skin in the better part of an hour. Quick as anything, Bucky raked a diagonal along the back of Steve's ribs, one side then the other, his cock jumping at the sounds his lover made.

“Fuck, oh God, what are you _doing_ to me?” Steve panted. He still sat upright, and Bucky moved so Steve could see him, and ran the quill down Steve's forearm, smiling when he jerked and sucked in breath.

“That shouldn't feel like that.”

Bucky smiled, and traced the hard tip around Steve's lips. He switched back to the soft vanes, the gentle feathery edge touching Steve's eyelids, his instep, reaching between his arms and legs to circle the tip of his cock.

“Oh.” Steve moved, the muscles of his arms and legs bunching, then relaxing. “Oh, Bucky. That feels amazing.”

Another little touch against Steve's lips, and Bucky took advantage of his lover's closed eyes to scratch the tip along the front of Steve's calf, where skin stretched over bone.

His reaction was a little less dramatic this time, but Steve still moaned, squirmed, and begged for more.

Another quarter hour; more soft whispery touches interspersed with quick, hard lines, geometric versus organic, hard versus soft, firm versus gentle. Another quarter hour and Steve writhed beneath Bucky, having fallen over onto his side. Tears leaked out of his eyes, but he begged for more, for these little touches. He twitched and undulated, body never stilling, voice never stilling either. Every change in touch brought a moan or a cry, begging for more until he couldn't put words together anymore.

He was a wreck, the most gorgeous wreck, and Bucky finally set the feather aside. He breathed five times, in and out, watching Steve moan and move, his skin pale and perfectly unmarked – Bucky had carefully not scratched hard enough to leave any trace – the black ropes shocking against his wrists and ankles.

Steve whimpered, and went still, panting.

Bucky breathed one more time, in and out, and slipped his hand between Steve's legs, wrapped around his cock and jerked him off. Once, twice and –

Steve howled, pearly liquid spurting from his cock to decorate his arms, his belly, his thighs, a little landing on Bucky's hand, and he shook and gasped and made raw, beautiful sounds.

Bucky rested his free hand on the back of Steve's neck, stroking gently while he came down, overstimulated and twitching. He was breathing quickly, a little too quickly – Bucky stroked his back, soothing him until his breathing evened out and his eyes opened, a little unfocused without his thick glasses.

Bucky smiled down at him, and Steve smiled back, uncertain and sweet and innocent. Bucky lifted his hand to Steve's mouth, where he suckled and licked until it was clean, kissing each fingertip until Bucky tapped his lips.

Steve's eyes slipped closed again, and Bucky stroked his hair tenderly. He still shivered now and again, gave the occasional little shudder – enough that Bucky decided to get him out of the ropes as quickly as possible.

He worked one-handed, the other resting on Steve's back, making wide circles of warmth and diffused touch. It was a little slower than it could have been, but he soon freed Steve's wrists and ankles. They were red, the marks of the ropes obvious, and Bucky swallowed hard. They were – beautiful wasn't the word.

He stroked Steve's cheek until he opened his eyes. can I take a picture? Bucky signed slowly, and Steve smiled and nodded. His eyes were clear and he looked with it – but Bucky would go over the photos with him again later, to make sure he was really okay with keeping them.

Bucky reached for Steve's phone, and showed it to him, and Steve's smile grew. “S'okay,” he said, his voice raw and soft. “I trust you.”

That earned him a kiss, and Bucky quickly took the best pictures he could, hoping he'd capture how beautiful Steve was. The raw red marks on his skin, the way he curled up on the bed, the peace on his face. The mess on his belly, because Bucky was still Bucky and he had his kinks. He snapped images quickly, then set the phone aside and gathered Steve close.

Steve sighed deeply, and the shivering stopped. His lover nestled a little closer, his head on Bucky's shoulder. There was a soft patter of rain on the windows, but it was warm and cosy in Bucky's little studio, and warmer still on the big bed.

Steve made a happy sound, and they lay like that for a long while, both of them breathing in the quiet and the peace; both of them utterly sated for the moment.

They came back to themselves when Steve laughed softly, some unknown time later. “Fuck me, you were right. I came with just one touch from you. You'd _better_ be drunk on power right now, Barnes."

Bucky laughed silently, and signed yes where Steve would see it.

“Thank God. Fuck me, that was...I don't even know.”

good?

“I am not even going to dignify that with an answer.”

Bucky smiled, but poked Steve in the chest. good? A little more serious now, more insistent.

“Hm.” Steve was quiet, head still pillowed on Bucky's shoulder. He turned his head and kissed the soft swell of muscle there. “No. But that's not the same thing as bad,  got it ? It wasn't...fun? It wasn't like when we're just playing around. But it was  _ amazing _ , Bucky. I didn't know I could feel like that. I can't call it good, but I'm so grateful you gave that to me. Does that make sense?”

Bucky nodded, knowing Steve would feel it, and wrapped his arms protectively around his lover. They could have good anytime. He  _ breathed _ good when Steve was around. Amazing and powerful and something unexpected – that was what he loved about this, about domming, about the power he had to make someone else feel that.

He petted Steve for a long time after, just holding him and letting him rest, think about what he'd felt, shiver a little in the aftereffects. He made Steve drink a bottle of water, and they shared a chocolate bar, feeding each other with a tenderness that would have been stupid and kind of a turn off to both of them in any other moment.

They rested, and Bucky even dozed off a little, waking with a start and making Steve laugh. He smiled, and kissed his lover, and ran his hand down his backside. Bucky pressed just a little on the plug, and Steve sighed happily.

“Mmmm. Maybe later? Gonna have to recover first.”

Bucky nodded and patted Steve's ass, making him giggle a little. 

“I still wanna get fucked so hard I have trouble sitting for a week, you know.”

Bucky patted a little harder.  later. I need to recover too.

Steve frowned at that and sat up, framing Bucky's face with his hands. “Top drop, baby? Stay here and I'll get you some water, okay?”

Bucky laughed and batted Steve's hands away.  no, no! just sleepy. I came pretty hard too

“Yeah, I noticed,” Steve said, and caressed Bucky's cheek. “I'm still getting you water, love, and we're going to cuddle a good bit longer. My  Bucky does  _ not _ go without.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, but he gulped the water down gratefully, and he and Steve wrapped around each other again, kissing, dozing, waking up to kiss again.

Round two , Bucky signed when the soft, sweet kisses had begun to take on a new hunger.

“Three, I think,” Steve murmured, rolling them over so that he straddled Bucky's hips, leaning down and kissing him, mouth open, tongue doing filthy things.

Bucky wrapped his arms and legs around Steve and rolled them over again, kissing back just as hard and resting his weight on his lover. He wove his fingers through Steve's hair, kissing harder, frantically now, their legs tangling together.

Steve moaned into his mouth, his cock filling against Bucky's thigh. “Fuck me,” he breathed. “Please, please, please baby, I want it, want  _ you _ so bad.  _ So _ bad.”

Bucky grinned, and nipped at Steve's lips, then soothed with a kiss, remembering himself. No pain for his sweet man.

Steve moaned under the kisses dappled across his throat, Bucky determined to taste every inch of his shoulders. He rutted against Steve's hip, then his belly, his cock sliding against his lover's and making Steve's breath hitch.

They had used up all their patience, apparently. Steve spread his legs and lifted them, begging Bucky with motion, then voice.

“Please, please,” he whispered, pressing kisses to Bucky's shoulder. “I need your cock,  _ please,  _ I need you. Fuck me, I'll do whatever you want, anything.”

doesn't work that way. love me, I love you. all I need

Steve's smile was dazzling. “Love you. Love you with all my heart, you know that, you must know that.”

Bucky had, but hearing it...oh, Stevie, his Stevie. He kissed his lover, trying to show what Steve's words had meant, and gently drew back, just long enough to grab the bottle of lube and a condom.

He knelt between Steve's legs, and kissed his thighs. He kissed Steve's cock, the soft skin of his balls, the smooth base of the plug, then gently began to pull it out.

Steve moaned a little, but his body gave it up easily, and Bucky quickly replaced it with a single well-lubed finger, working into Steve's body, all warm and tight.  He added a second finger  quickly, stretching Steve, then a third, just to be sure. His lover writhed and sighed and moaned, grinning up at Bucky the whole time like a cat that had got into cream.

Damn, he was going to have to remember that to tell Steve later.

Bucky slipped his fingers out gently, and wiped them on a towel he'd remembered to bring with him to the bed, then rolled the condom on. More lube – there was never too much, and he raised Steve's legs, resting his feet on Bucky's shoulders, and slowly pushed in.

Steve gasped, moaned, and pushed back as hard as he could, encouraging Bucky to move faster. He didn't, though, wanting to take his time and savor the feeling of his lover hot and tight around him. Neither of them much went in for ass-play; for both of them to be in the mood was a treat, and he wasn't going to waste a moment of it.

Slow as he went, Bucky finally bottomed out, his lover making soft sounds underneath him.

“God, you feel so good,” Steve breathed, his eyes closed. “You're so...you're  _ perfect _ , Bucky. God, you're so hard, I can feel it. Fill me up. In me. You're  _ in me _ .”

Bucky smiled, and if it trembled a little, there wasn't anyone to see. He moved his hips slow at first, easing them both into this, his breath hitching at the feel of Steve around him.

He moved faster  then , encouraged by his lover's moans, Steve's reassurance that Bucky felt good, filled him up,  _ begged _ for more.

Bucky's hips snapped, and Steve keened loudly, his hands clutching at pillows, anything to get a grip on. “Please, God yes, harder, harder...”

Bucky was happy to give him harder, his hips pumping  faster , the smack of skin on skin obscene, wet, the sound of slick absolutely pornographic. He pounded into Steve, driving hard while his lover moaned and begged for more.

He lasted longer than he would have guessed, the way Steve felt around him, the  _ sounds _ he was making, groaning and gasping. Bucky had his lover bent in two,  his ankles up around Bucky's shoulders, his arms stretched up and holding onto the headboard. They were pressed close enough that Bucky could lean in a little and kiss him, hard and filthy his tongue plunging in and out of Steve's mouth in time with his cock.

Steve kissed back just as hard, one hand weaving into Bucky's hair, fingers tightening. Bucky snapped his hips , cock driving into Steve over and over again until it built, and the wave crashed through him, and he came hard,  his breathing gone harsh and uneven as he shuddered into his lover .

Bucky raised his head, and mouthed 'I love you', and Steve made a raw, broken sound. Bucky mouthed the words again just one more time and reached between them, barely able to jack Steve off with the last of his energy – lucky it didn't take long. Steve wept as he came, and Bucky kissed each tear away, refusing to pull out, refusing to give this closeness up until he had to.

His cock was soft when he finally couldn't stay in Steve any longer, and Bucky was pretty sure there were tears on his cheeks – there must have been, the way Steve was kissing his face, murmuring soft little sounds that might have been words. Bucky managed to get the condom off and tossed it, then crawled into Steve's arms. They wrapped tight around each other, and Bucky  hauled his comforter over them both before they fell asleep – or possibly passed out – bodies pressed tight together.

 

He woke up feeling thick-headed and happy and warm.

“Hey you.” Steve's voice was clear and sweet, and Bucky woke up a little more, just hearing it. He opened his eyes and smiled up at Steve, reaching up to touch his jaw.

“Hi.” Steve turned his head and kissed Bucky's fingertips. “I've got water. And something to eat.”

Bucky nodded, and pushed himself up. He sat against the headboard and accepted the water bottle Steve handed him gratefully. He was _thirsty_.

Steve had found Bucky's stash of little treats, candy and nuts and other sweeties, and he nibbled a handful of almonds. my phone please? he signed, and Steve handed it to him.

_how are you, love? how long have you been up? you should have woken me earlier!_

Steve laughed. “In order: I've never been better, about an hour, and you were all drool-y and adorable and  _you_ wouldn't have woken you up.”

_I don't drool!_

“Sorry, but yeah, you kinda do,” Steve said, and held his hand out for Bucky's phone. And, okay, so he had been drooling. A little bit. (A lot.) Did Steve really have to take _that_ many pictures of him asleep, though?

“I already set the best one as my phone's wallpaper, so y'know, delete away,” Steve said smugly, while Bucky flicked past a few images where he was openmouthed _and_ drooling _and_ sprawled awkwardly on the bed.

Then he hit the pictures of Steve right after Bucky had taken the ropes off, and that snapped him back to the moment. He set his phone down and reached for Steve's hands, checking his wrists and wincing a little. Those were some genuine rope burns all right, although not bad ones.

“Hey,” Steve said softly. “I agreed this was okay. I took an ibuprofen and put some aloe on them, okay?”

Bucky frowned, and kissed the little marks. There were some on Steve's ankles too.  _I should have taken care of you. it's my job, my duty, my pleasure_

Steve smiled fondly at Bucky. “You can  try to baby  me while they heal.  Honestly , you looked so happy and peaceful, I just wanted to let you sleep. I feel fine,  Buck . No drop or anything.” He grinned slyly. “I've got one helluva  hitch in my step , too.”

Bucky giggled, and pulled Steve in for a hug, feeling fond and happy and in love.  _GOOD. my god, you're an amazing fuck. I love you. thank you for being in my life._

“Aw, Buck.” Steve blushed. “I...I can't even put it into words, what today was. I don't...I don't _have_ words. I don't have anything. I  didn't know I could feel the way I did. What you did for me...thanks doesn't cover it. I could love you for the rest of my life,” he said softly. “And that might come close to saying what I need to.”

_I could love you the rest of my life so easy, Steve_ .

Steve's smile was slow and sweet and gentle. “Yeah,” he said, and laid his head on Bucky's shoulder, and they didn't need to say any more about that.

Bucky checked Steve over, and gently scolded him again for not waking Bucky sooner. Steve, totally  unaffected by the remonstrance, went to the kitchen to refill their water bottles, and he  _did_ have a limp that left Bucky smiling proudly.

It was deep in the night when they got sleepy again, holding each other after a giggle fit over Bucky spilling a handful of nuts (because  _Steve_ was a giant awkward loser who bumped into Bucky's  _hands_ ) all over his lap, and Steve decided that eating nuts off of, well, Bucky's nuts, was the height of comedy.

At two am, after fucking his boyfriend stupid and being loved up and cuddled and cared for, it sort of was.

They were still giggling, Steve snorting occasionally, when they drifted off again. Bucky's head was pillowed on Steve's chest, and Steve's fingers tangled in the long, dark strands of his hair.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a nice story. What a nice author I am. How sweet and happy and good their lives are. La la la.
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, what the hell, here, have another chapter.
> 
> By the way, you may notice that THERE IS AN END IN SIGHT! At last! This monster'll be 24 chapters in total.
> 
> And there will be a sequel. Oh yes. What the fuck it'll be about I have no idea, but there will be one. There's more story to these two...

Bucky and Natasha looked at the living room, looked at each other, and sighed. (Well, Natasha sighed. Bucky just looked long-suffering.)

Sam came in after work and nodded at them, then did a genuine double-take when he realized that Natasha was sorting mail while Bucky washed the windows. “Oh, shit. Uh, thanks. I'll make dinner?”

They both looked at him blandly and continued cleaning the living room.

how do they live like this? Natasha signed. Sometimes it was good to have your own silent language.

Bucky snickered silently.  I would say BOYS but, you know.

Nat snorted. “No excuse. D'you think they have a vacuum anywhere?”

Bucky shrugged.  there is a third person who lives here who I haven't even met yet. vacuum is way beyond me

“Oh! I met her once!” Nat laughed and came over to help him clean  the mottled panes of glass . “Her name's Sue Storm. She's got some rich boyfriend, so I think she basically lives with him.”

that's insane

Nat shrugged. “Rent's cheaper than storage, if you think about it  in the right way . She's nice enough. Oh, hey, you're taller than me – dust the bookshelf and I'll finish these?”

Bucky nodded. He may have treated every flat surface in his studio as a closet, but he was pretty sure no  one had  _ ever _ cleaned in here. And he and Nat  had  had a few hours to kill  before their respective partners got home.

Clint walked in not long after the windows were finished, and did a neat about-face, whistling innocently and trying to walk out until Natasha actually collared him.

“You are hopeless,” she informed him. “And  you're helping Sam with dinner.”

“Yes, dear?” Clint offered.

“Bucky and I are not your cleaners after this, got it?”

Clint really did look ashamed at that, rubbing the back of his neck. “Aw, geez guys. I'm sorry. You should've waited, we would have helped.”

I know. But it was pretty awful Bucky signed.

Clint winced. “Um. You're both the best?” He came over and kissed Nat's cheek. “Bucky, I'd kiss you but I think Steve would get pissed at me.”

he's not really the possessive type. Also I got that stain off of the sofa.

“ _ Fine. _ ” Clint crossed the room and dipped Bucky, kissing him  with appropriate drama . Sadly,  the universe did not arrange itself so that  Steve  came home while he was doing so, but Natasha took a picture and texted  it to  him anyway. “The things I go through  for you people .”

now almost everyone living here has kissed me Bucky signed smugly, right before his phone lit up with about thirty texts from Steve, starting with  _ WHY DOESN'T CLINT  _ _ MAKE OUT WITH _ _ ME I AM AT LEAST AS HOT AS YOU ARE. _

 

Hi Steve Bucky signed, and leaned over to kiss his lover hello  in the middle of the busy cafe .  sorry i'm late .  It was a few days after he and Nat had cleaned, and work had taken a sharp upturn – which meant he was late for their standing date at Avengers' Cafe.

Steve shrugged.  don't worry about it. busy?

Bucky sighed and nodded.  really. it's good. just tired. not enough time.

Steve reached for Bucky's hand and kissed his knuckles.  I have treats for you. go get coffee.

Bucky did, and only when he got back to the table did he realize that he and Steve had had a totally silent conversation. He check and – huh, that was new.  no hearing aides? everything okay?

Steve shrugged.  okay. was getting a headache. signing okay? He laughed at the look Bucky gave him.  I have grown as a person be proud of me.

Bucky made a wanking gesture, and Steve snorted.  I am he signed quickly, while Steve was still distracted.

Steve just smiled, and handed over a big manila envelope.  this is for you. be careful looking at it in public.

Bucky gave him a curious smile and peeked inside, looking between the sheets of thin cardstock.

He swallowed very hard.

It was a beautiful charcoal sketch of Steve, almost certainly drawn from life with the help of a mirror. Steve was sprawled across a messy bed, getting himself off. Or having just gotten himself off, going by the state of him. It was...gorgeous. Perfect. Breathtakingly intimate. How many times had Steve jacked off in front of a mirror, to capture this?

Bucky gazed long, the tilt of his lover's chin, his long body laid out, all beauty and vulnerability and Steve had made this for him. It was perfect, and Bucky told him so. thank you thank you thank you

Steve flushed and smiled. “I'm really glad you like it. Just don't hang it where the whole world can see, if you don't mind?”

_I am sharing this with exactly no one_ Bucky informed him, pulling out his laptop and turning so Steve could see his typing.  _I am going to be selfish with it. it's all for meeeeeeeeeeeeeee_

Steve laughed softly, and kissed Bucky's shoulder. “ Yeah, it is . Oh.” He switched to sign  language. I have everything drawn for what you wrote for the comic. and I got an idea  about what's between them

Bucky rubbed his hands greedily,  and checked the dropbox  folder  they  both worked out of.  The panels Steve had finished were, as expected, beautiful – personal, stark, full of the not-that-quiet, complicated love between Cap and the Soldier.  He lost himself to the story a little bit, rested his head on Steve's shoulder at a particularly painful  page, and kissed his cheek when he finished.  _I love it. you're fantastic. can see why you're so busy, you're so GOOD._

Steve blushed, and Bucky made a mental note to add Steve's artistic abilities to the litany, the next time he went after the man's praise kink.

“Thanks,” he said softly. “I...yeah. I know I'm good, Buck. But thank you.”

Bucky wrapped his arm around Steve's shoulders for a little squeeze.  _You're welcome. Talk to me about their past, now?_

“I think the Soldier...he got brainwashed. Cap thought he'd died, but he was captured by the enemy instead, turned into...call it a dark mirror of everything he was. A warrior, a sharpshooter, a fighter, someone who made the shadows their home, but turned so that he wasn't doing any of that to protect people,” Steve explained. “And he came back somehow, but all that evil he did, even though it wasn't _him_ , it's with him, you know?”

YES Bucky signed enthusiastically, then turned to typing.  _ Steve, that's brilliant! That's what's between them. First that Cap thought he'd lost his other half. And however the Soldier died, it was Cap's fault. Or Cap thinks it is,  because he just would . And he still believes in the Soldier's ultimate goodness but...he can't understand. _ Bucky turned his head, meeting Steve's eyes, trying to show how deep this ran for him.  _ he can't ever understand what the Soldier saw and did, and that's the first time they couldn't understand each other. how do they work around that? _

“He sees the Soldier so simply,” Steve said quietly, meeting Bucky's gaze just as boldly. “As his friend, his lover, the source of so much good in his life. He doesn't understand, he  _ can't _ , all he can do is love as hard as possible.”

Bucky just smiled.  _ and that's not bad. that's never a bad thing. that's what the Soldier needs. But it comes between them, and they have to thrash it out or they'll never really work together again. not right. _

“That's it. That's our why. That's our story arc.” Steve was grinning widely. “How they deal with that. It won't ever go away, but they have to remake their lives, because like fuck they're giving each other up.”

_Exactly! Holy shit, Steve, this is gonna be so much fun to write._

Steve laughed. “You just want more sex scenes.

_Well YEAH. But also, the things we can say about intimacy. And the past, and how it shapes people. we can write something AMAZING._

“I never doubted that,” Steve pointed out, giving Bucky a little poke in the side.

Bucky giggled silently, and poked Steve back. _Asshole. Steve, this is going to be so good._ He hesitated a little, then kept typing. _This is also going to be really, really personal. You didn't pull that being affected by past trauma thing out of thin air._

“No. But I trust us both to take care of ourselves.” Steve smiled wryly. “Actually, I trust you to take care of yourself, and to kick my ass thoroughly if I don't.”

_yup. i'm not planning on getting fucked by this, though._ Bucky smiled wryly, and rested his head on Steve's shoulder  _I've dealt with so much. This isn't an unsafe space for me, as long as we don't touch on what happened to me._

“Which is why you're writing that part,” Steve said firmly. “We'll collaborate on the rest, but I'm not touching that. You make it safe for you, okay?”

_deal. thank you. I don't say that enough, but thank you for understanding._

“Bucky, I _don't_ understand,” Steve said gently. “But I respect. And I love. And you seem basically cool with that...”

Bucky smiled, and kissed Steve's shoulder.  _understatement of the year right there._

“Ha ha. So, uh.” Steve rubbed the back of his neck. “You're the great writer, where do we go from here?”

_how about I summarize their past and what happened to Soldier, and then you edit it, and we'll write from that?_ Bucky shrugged.  _we still gotta tell a story around it too, have them beat up bad guys and all that. we gotta get these losers out on a date._

“Is that a hint?” Steve teased.

_mayyyybe_ Bucky winked at him.  _I do kinda want to show you off._

“Ditto.” Steve squeezed Bucky's thigh softly, under the table where no one could see. “Got any plans for this Saturday night?”

Bucky shook his head, already grinning.

“You do now.” Steve matched his grin. “We'll call it research.”

Bucky was totally justified in giving Steve a shove.

 

Steve yawned, and hugged Bucky again. “Sure you don't want to crash here?” They'd gone back to Steve's for a quick dinner, and to work a little further on their book – Steve really _had_ needed Bucky to pose for a specific panel. Without his shirt. Honest.

Bucky shook his head. Early day tomorrow and you're tired.

“Just sleeping is an option,” Steve pointed out, and gave Bucky another kiss. “Sweet dreams. See you tomorrow at the cafe?”

Bucky smiled and nodded, and kissed Steve back, relishing the little spark between them, the bit of something that still glowed every time they kissed like this. I love you

Steve's eyes softened, despite how tired he obviously was. “Love you too, Bucky. Be careful walking home, sweetheart.” One last kiss, and Bucky let himself out, and Steve crawled into bed, stretching out contentedly.

 

He woke up slowly, muzzy in the inky darkness of way-too-early morning. The flashing light of his phone woke him up, the insistent buzzing and ringing finally cutting through sleep and his shitty hearing. Steve pushed himself up and squinted at the screen, frowning when he didn't recognize the number. 2 AM phone calls...were never good news.

“'lo?” he said, holding the phone to his good ear. Well, good-ish.

“Steven Rogers? This is Bonnie at St. Thomas' Emergency Care Unit.”

“Speaking,” he said, and swallowed hard. This was not good news, and all he could think of was his mother, was that the calm, medical voice would tell him his mother was hurt, was –

No. That wasn't something he could even think.

“I'm contacting you about James Barnes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Hiiiiii. I love youuuuuu.  
> 2\. Little known fact: every time you leave a comment, you grow more attractive to those around you. Just sayin'.  
> 3\. I reeeeeally love you guys?


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehhhh, I think I've made you all suffer enough. Also this is like my only chance to post a chapter for the next day or two :)
> 
> (Thank you so so so much for all the comments! I loved following along with your frustration ;) )

Steve's heart turned to ice. It really did. “Bucky?” he asked, his voice cracking. “I mean...what is it? Is he hurt? What happened?”

“He's right here beside me, and I've got you on speakerphone” Bonnie said, her voice still calm and measured. “There was a fire in his apartment building and your boyfriend needed treatment for smoke inhalation and exposure. He indicated that you might be able to give him a place to stay the rest of tonight?”

“Oh my God. Yes, yes, oh my God, of course,” Steve babbled. “I'll be right there, love, of course you can stay with me, for as long as you need. Baby, of course you can.” He rubbed his eyes hard. “Where, um, where are you?”

Bonnie told him the address, and he recognized the name; a drab brick building less than a mile away. “I'll be there in ten minutes. Bucky, love, do you need anything?”

“He's shaking his head, but a change of clothes would be good. And shoes, if you have them,” Bonnie said. “Just ask for him when you get here, Steve.”

“Okay. Buck, I'll bring the pajamas you keep here, okay? Do you need me to stop by a pharmacy, anything like that?”

“He's ready to be released,” Bonnie said. “And he says no. Although if you don't sign, a pad of paper and a pen might be helpful.”

“I can sign,” Steve said, trying very hard not to snap. “Uh. Thank you.”

“Of course,” she said gently. “We'll talk more about Bucky's condition and what he'll need in the next few days when you get here, all right?”

“Anything. Anything you need, you know that,” Steve said, in between throwing on jeans and a coat, body finally awake enough to begin moving. He dug through the drawer Bucky had commandeered, coming up with sweatpants and a t-shirt, and added the thickest, warmest hoody he owned to the pile, plus thick wool socks. His feet were hilariously bigger than Bucky's, but he found a pair of Clint's sneakers in the living room, absolutely certain that his roommate wouldn't mind lending them out for a few minutes. Bucky's clothes shoved in a bag, Steve let himself out, and proceeded to run through the empty, freezing streets, lungs burning as he got closer.

He slowed just enough to catch his breath, so he could actually _ask_ for Bucky at the front desk, and was directed to...Christ, Bucky didn't even have a curtained-off area, just a bed in a crowded hallway, and he looked small and scared, wrapped in a silver blanket, absolutely filthy and far too lightly dressed for the icy cold night.

Steve made a beeline for him, and nothing else mattered other than wrapping his arms tightly around Bucky, kissing his hair, his cheeks, holding him so close he could feel their hearts beating together.

Bucky hugged him back just as tightly, face buried in Steve's neck. His hands were freezing, and Steve rubbed his back briskly, wishing he could physically transfer warmth into his boyfriend.

“Love, love,” he breathed into Bucky's ear. “You're safe. I've got you, you're _safe,_ gonna take you home and put you in my bed and you'll be warm forever.”

Bucky just pressed a little closer, and Steve stroked his back and only cried a very tiny bit into Bucky's hair, which smelled horrible. Burnt plastic and smoke and Bucky slept like the dead, what if he hadn't woken up in time? What if...

Steve breathed deeply, and pulled away enough to kiss Bucky very softly on his chapped lips. “Are you hurt?” he asked, making his voice as gentle as he could.

Bucky shook his head. breathed in too much smoke. cold. too cold. feet and hands and face hurt. no burns, lungs ok now.

“Well, that makes one of us,” Steve said, just to make him smile. “I brought clothes for you, and we'll take a taxi back to my place so you'll stay nice and warm.” And then he'd turn the heat up and promise to pay the whole bill himself, if it meant Bucky's face would relax, if it meant he'd be comfortable again.

“You must be Steve,” a familiar voice said, and Steve turned, grateful he'd remembered to put in his hearing aides.

“Bonnie?” he guessed, and shook her hand, one arm still around Bucky's shoulders. “I brought the warmest clothes I could find.”

She smiled at that. “Good. Bucky, you want to get changed, and then we'll just go over a few things before you're discharged?”

Bucky nodded and took the bag from Steve, disappearing into a bathroom down the hall.

Steve bit his lip, watching Bucky walk away. He was _filthy,_ which meant something had happened to make him that way.

“He'll be all right,” Bonnie said quietly. “I promise, Steve.”

“He's the original survivor,” Steve murmured, mostly to himself, and shared a smile with Bonnie.

Bucky changed quickly, and rejoined them, sitting on the bed beside Steve. He was quiet, of course, but held himself hunched over and small in a way Steve had never seen before. “Hey,” he murmured, and pulled Bucky in for another hug, reminding himself that Bucky was nearly his height and build, solid and real, his strong man.

“You're going to feel like crap for the next few days,” Bonnie said bluntly. “Rest as much as you can, and stay warm. I know you've got a lot to deal with, but try to relax when you can. Your body has a little healing it needs to do, still. Contact your doctor if you have any trouble breathing at all.”

Bucky nodded, and rested his head on Steve's shoulder.

Steve privately vowed that Bucky would not lift a finger for himself for the next week.

“That's the physical. The mental...” she smiled wryly. “I don't exactly need to lecture you on trauma, do I?”

Bucky actually laughed silently at that, and it was like Steve's world clicked back into place. This was _Bucky_. Nothing held him back for long.

Steve still wasn't going to let him out of the bedroom for multiple days.

“Uh huh, thought not. You've been through a shit night, honey, and you'll have to take care of yourself. You've got a therapist who knows your history, turn to her if you need it. Use your support network,” she said smiling at Steve. “And replace your assistive devices as soon as possible – your insurance should come through on that pretty quickly. You've got a lot to do in the next few days, and your disability shouldn't get in the way of that.”

“You can use my phone and my computer,” Steve promised. “Anything you need. I guarantee Sam'll lend you his iPad. And any of us at the house will be your ASL translator, love.”

Bucky nodded, and smiled a little at Steve.

“You've been through a lot tonight,” Bonnie told Bucky, and touched his shoulder. “Go home with your boyfriend and try to get some sleep, okay?”

Bucky nodded and signed thank you. It took some time to get everything in order – and another nebulizer treatment when Bucky started wheezing – but he was finally given the go-ahead to leave. Steve called a taxi while Bucky dealt with paperwork, and then got them out and into the cab with only a few seconds in the cold night. He kept his arms around Bucky for the short right home.

The taxi took a route that went past Bucky's apartment building. Well. What had _been_ his building, and Steve couldn't help a gasp when he saw the still-smoking ruin. Bucky. Had been in that. In there. _His Bucky_.

He looked over and met Bucky's eyes, too wide and too shiny and shook his head, and pulled his boyfriend close again, the two of them holding each other tightly until they had to get out at Steve's building.

It was late enough that it was early, which meant Clint, Nat and Sam were awake (more or less) when Steve let them in.

“Hey, you're up holy shit what _happened_?” Clint asked, poking his head through the doorway from the kitchen, then striding over faster than Steve had ever seen him move. “Oh my God, Bucky.”

That, of course, brought Nat and Sam from the kitchen, practically running through the doorway.

Bucky looked at Steve, all but begging him to explain.

“There was a fire. Bucky's apartment. Um. Burned down.” Steve rubbed his face, wishing his brain would work better. He was basically the worst boyfriend right now. “We just got back from the hospital.”

At that, both of them were immediately buried in housemates (and girlfriend-of-housemate, in Nat's case), all three of them wrapping both Steve and Bucky into a kind of group huddle.

“Oh, shit,” Clint muttered.

“You can stay here as long as you want to,” Sam said, rubbing Bucky's back. “We got you, man.”

“Keep my shoes as long as you want,” Clint assured him. “I got an old pair I can wear.”

Nat just cupped Bucky's face in her hands, and rested their foreheads together. “You're all right,” she murmured. “Don't worry about anything else, just be all right. We'll help you with all of it, Bucky.”

Bucky finally smiled at that, and Steve tried not to cry because his friends were amazing.

“Here, this'll keep you awake long enough to shower,” Clint said, handing Bucky his cup of coffee. “Haven't even started it, promise. Go get not-ashy and get some sleep, we'll leave you stuff for breakfast.”

Bucky nodded, and wrapped one hand around the mug, signing thank-you with the other, then turned and made his way through the still-dark apartment to the bathroom.

“I'll leave my iPad here,” Sam promised Steve quietly. “I'll try to put a couple of the apps he uses on it before I head out. And raid my closet if you need clothes, okay?”

“Make sure he knows he can stay indefinitely, okay?” Clint said, clearly worried. “And call if you need anything. Is he okay? I mean, physically?”

“Yeah. Yeah, just a little smoke inhalation. And exposure.” Steve rubbed his face hard, and accepted a cup of coffee. “Thanks, you guys. So much.”

“Don't worry about anything,” Nat said quietly. “I have some favors I can call in, speed stuff up.” She hugged Steve gently. “Just take care of him, okay? Go love on him, we've got the rest.”

Steve smiled, and hugged her back. “I'm okay, guys.”

“Uh huh, you just had to go pick your boyfriend up from the hospital after his apartment burned down, totally not stressful or worrying at all,” Sam said dryly, and gave Steve a little shove. “Seconding Clint. Call if you need anything at all.”

Steve pulled them all into a hug, incredibly glad of his crazy-long arms in that moment. “Thank you all. So much.”

“Go,” Sam said, but he hugged Steve back tightly.

Nat was already on her phone when Steve stumbled out of the kitchen, her voice clear and brisk. “Pepper? Hi, sorry to bother you so early – oh, oh good. Well, remember how Tony owes me a few favors? Yeah. _Yeah_. Okay, so it's about a friend of mine...”

Steve kicked his shoes off and crawled into bed, making himself stay awake until Bucky came back into the bedroom, hair still damp, but clean now. He'd changed back into the clothes Steve had brought him, but wore them a little more comfortably; he didn't look so small and lost and hurting.

“Hey you,” Steve murmured, and held out his arms, breathing Bucky in when he crawled into Steve's arms. He pulled his duvet up around them and wrapped his arms and legs around Bucky, pleased to feel him warm, skin glowing from the shower. “You need anything, baby? Water?” He rested his hand on Bucky's back to feel his breathing, slow and steady.

Bucky shook his head, and Steve kissed him again. “Love you.”

Bucky smiled, and pressed close to Steve, tracing a heart onto his side. Steve held him, rubbing his back softly, until he felt Bucky fall asleep, and followed himself soon after.

 

Bucky woke up feeling heavy and so, so warm. And not just because Steve, a duvet, a quilt, and a spare pillow were draped over him. He was exhausted still, but the night before felt distant. The smell of smoke, and flames, and shivering as he stood outside; it felt so far away from this cozy nest, his boyfriend sleeping deeply beside him.

Bucky paused to brush the lightest kiss across Steve's forehead, his sweet man who had showed up in the middle of the night to give Bucky a place to stay, clean clothes, a warm bed. Another soft kiss, and Bucky gently wriggled out from under the covers, taking a throw from the headboard to wrap around himself. He settled down at Steve's computer and signed into his e-mail, relieved to see all his sisters online and signed into chat.

**Buckyball** :  _ Barnes family chat time!  _ _ Um. Okay, so, my apartment building kind of burned down last night. I'm fine. But I kinda lost everything. Just so you know.  _ _ I'm _ _ at Steve's, he's letting me crash for as long as I need, so don't worry about that. But everything is trashed, which means the blue photo album. I'm so sorry. _

It took about six seconds to get his first reply.

**Emma_B:** _ As long as you're okay absolutely nothing else matters in the least. _

**Jenny Not From Your Block Loser:** _ Seconded. Are you okay for money? Let me know, I can transfer you whatever you need. _

**Becca is Awesome:** _Fuck the photo album, as long as we have you._

Bucky smiled a little, and sipped at his cold coffee.

**Buckyball** :  _ I'm fine. even have coffee. Steve's asleep and looks like a dork,  _ _ wish I could send you all a photo. _

**Emma_B:** _ Awwwww!  _

**Buckyball:** _ And I'm fine for money, guys. Got savings, and I had insurance. Just have to rebuild. I want  _ _ replacement _ _ drawings from all the niblings. _

**Jenny Not From Your Block Loser** :  _ I'll get them on it first thing  _ _ when they get home from school _ _. Promise us you'll take care of yourself? I will be checking in with Steve. _

**Becca is Awesome:** _ And I will be checking in personally. _

**Emma_B:** _ I have already sent all of our e-mails and phone numbers to Steve fyi. Tell him his Tumblr's pretty sweet. _

**Buckyball:** _ Have you ever thought about working for the CIA? All of you? _

**Jenny Not From Your Block Loser:** _ How do you know we don't already? _

**Becca is Awesome:** _ Also it's not like you showed us all his art for like ALL OF THANKSGIVING. Loser. _

**Buckyball:** _ I love you all. _

**Emma_B:** _ Love you too, Buckybear. Keep checking in with us, okay?  _

**Buckyball:** _ Promise. It'll be okay. Just a lot to do. I'm okay, though. And Steve's waking up,  _ _ better go let him know I'm still here _ _ :) _

**Becca is Awesome:** _ Good. Let me know when's a good time to come into town? _

**Buckyball:** _ Will do _ _. Really love you guys. _

Steve was rubbing his eyes and sitting up when Bucky turned around in the chair, still wrapped in the throw.

“Hey you.” Steve squinted until he located Bucky, and looked at least in his general direction. “You're supposed to be resting.”

Bucky crawled back into the bed, snagging Steve's phone as he went, and curled up beside him. _just needed to let my sisters know what's up._

Steve groped for his glasses and pushed them on. “Oh, shit. Yeah.” Steve frowned, and wrapped his arm around Bucky, resting his head on Bucky's shoulder so he could read the phone's screen. “Make sure they have my number, okay?”

_they've already sent you all of theirs, over Tumblr._ Bucky typed.  _Can I give them your address? Becca wants to see me, and they promised to send drawings from the nieces and nephews._

“Yeah, of course. Anything, love. And Becca's welcome anytime.” He kissed the shoulder he was resting on. “Bucky, you're not locked in here, you know. If you want to go stay with any of your sisters, that's okay. Whatever makes you happiest.”

Bucky smiled and turned, kissing Steve's cheek.  _I like staying here with you. to be honest, more practical too, to stay in the city._

Steve nodded, and wrapped his arms around Bucky's waist, hugging him lightly. “Good, I like having you close.” Another little kiss. “D'you want to go back to sleep?”

Bucky shook his head.  _I'm up._

“Stay here then, and I'll make us breakfast,” Steve said, with a parting squeeze. “Don't give me that look, you're supposed to be resting.”

_Steve, walking to the kitchen isn't exactly strenuous_ .

Steve looked serious for a moment. “It can be. Love, your lungs aren't in top condition right now, it'll catch you out. Please stay here? It's nice and warm, and I swear I won't be gone more than a few minutes.”

_did you behave this well when you were sick?_

“Oh, God no, I was a giant pain in the ass.”

Bucky giggled, and curled up under the covers, pulling the duvet up to his ears. And then stuck his tongue out at Steve.

Steve laughed and bent over, kissing the tip of his tongue. “Uh huh. Just a few minutes, love. Promise.” He rested his hand on Bucky's cheek, kissed his temple – he wanted to kiss every inch of that precious body, frankly – and finally pulled himself away.

He found the coffeemaker already set up, and someone – probably Clint – had run muffins from the shop over, so that Steve really was only gone a few minutes. He put a tray together and climbed in beside Bucky, the two of them shoulder-to-shoulder and hip-to-hip as they ate  breakfast, and nursed their coffees.

Steve treated himself to kisses as he liked; nuzzling Bucky's hairline, kissing the point of his cheekbone, then his shoulder. Bucky, for his part, indulged him, and set his empty mug aside to crawl a little closer into Steve's lap and let himself be adored.

“Love you,” Steve said quietly, the simple words the best ones just now.

I love you Bucky signed, and kissed his cheek.  thank you. I need you

Steve tried to hide exactly how much he melted at that, and probably failed. “I'm yours, love, for anything.”

kisses?

Steve laughed, and kissed the very tip of Bucky's nose. “Oooh, gonna have to think hard about that one,” he teased, and gathered Bucky a little closer.

They kissed easily, soft little touches to begin with, until Steve set about seriously pressing his mouth on Bucky from head to toe, undressing him as he went. Tiny kisses for his face, tickling him. His mouth open and wet on Bucky's chest, suckling his nipples until they were hard under his tongue and Bucky's hips were rolling. Soft little bites on the meat of his waist and the line of his groin, and a tender kiss on his sex, half-hard. Openmouthed kisses on his thighs, and trailing nips and licks down his calves, ending with a soft kiss on the instep of one foot, then the other.

Bucky reached for Steve, who pushed himself up, their bodies pressing together even while Bucky undressed him.  Steve made an aching sort of sound as they wrapped around each other, skin to skin, and Bucky kissed him, his fingers tightening in Steve's hair.

He started rocking them together, cocks hard, sliding against one another, and Steve moaned into Bucky's mouth as they rolled over, Bucky heavy on top of him, the most welcome of weights.

Steve rolled his hips up and smiled when Bucky's breath hitched. They weren't going to last, but like he cared; this was to feel alive and love each other and give Bucky a little joy. He reached between them and wrapped his hand around their cocks, not even bothering to tease.

Bucky's breathing got more uneven, and Steve listened carefully – but there was no wheeze, no sign of lungs unable to keep up, just Bucky rutting against him.

Bucky came suddenly, unexpectedly, and hard, and Steve held him through it, then kissed him down while jacking himself off roughly. He came with a soft cry, and felt Bucky kissing his eyes, his cheeks, heavy and limp on top of him.

“Beautiful,” Steve murmured, and rolled them onto their sides, curling around his precious boy. “Fuck. Fuck, you're just...” You're everything, you're the sunrise, you're the tops, every love song ever written. Steve kissed him gently, and prayed he'd get to do this for the rest of his life.

Bucky was still heavy and half-dozing when Steve gently pulled away, both of their bellies sticky with come. He rolled his lover onto his back and leaned over, licking him clean. Bucky put his hand on the back of Steve's head, heavy and gentle, and Steve nuzzled the soft skin of his stomach. Very, very delicately, he licked Bucky's cock clean as well, kissing the loose foreskin. “There we are. As it should be.”

Bucky grinned, and ran his fingertip through the mess on Steve's stomach.

“ You're doing my laundry if we get the sheets messy,” Steve teased, and Bucky laughed silently.

no I won't. you're going to spoil me and you know it

Steve took a second to parse what Bucky signed, then shrugged. “Well, you're not wrong.” He leaned over and kissed Bucky softly. “You deserve it. And it's my joy.”

you still get first shower

Steve laughed, and kissed him again. “Deal. You wanna borrow fresh clothes? You'd probably fit Sam's jeans.”

Bucky shrugged.  i'm okay in  what I've got . probably not gonna go outside today.

Steve nodded and sat down on the bed. “Hey,” he said softly. “You've been through a lot. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing, okay?”

Bucky nodded, but smiled  and shook his head when Steve  made for his arms .  get a shower! then hugs

Steve laughed, and bussed the top of his head. “All _right_ , jeez. Love you.”

Bucky traced a heart on Steve's chest, then let him go to get cleaned up. And gave him the promised hug when he came back, crawling into bed beside Bucky and curling around him.

don't you have work to do?

“It can wait.”

Steve

Steve kissed him. “It can wait. You're more important.”

I'm just lying here! You can work.

“Okay, maybe I want to wrap myself around you and not let go for like a week,” Steve admitted. He stroked Bucky's hair. “Or are you politely asking for some alone time?”

Bucky shook his head hard.  NOT ALONE. please, please, please. but you work where I can see and hear you, and I rest?

Steve melted. Actually melted right there, through the bed. “Not alone,” he promised, and gathered Bucky a little closer. “I can't really work in bed love, I'm sorry. Is it okay if I'm at my desk? I'll be just a few feet away, and you'll be able to see me the whole time.”

Bucky nodded, and kissed Steve's neck.  perfect. can see you, don't feel guilty

“You shouldn't anyway,” Steve argued, but Bucky made it clear he was ready to stare Steve down over this. Interrupted only by a coughing fit that Steve held him through, rubbing his back to smooth tense muscles.

It kind of killed his ability to glare, but at least didn't last long.

“I want you to know I'm only doing this because you're about as vicious as a kitten right now,” Steve informed Bucky with great dignity, and tucked another blanket around his shoulders before he got out of bed, pulled on some clothes, and got to work. After he had fussed over Bucky and found another pillow for him. And gotten a frankly filthy look that left him whistling as he started to tackle the day's e-mails.

He worked peacefully, getting more done than he would have predicted. It was unexpectedly comfortable to know that Bucky was right behind him, going between naps and playing with Steve's phone, occasionally answering a text from one of his sisters. Steve made them a light lunch which they ate together in the kitchen, playing footsie companionably. Bucky got up once to fetch Sam's iPad from the living room and paused to kiss the top of Steve's head, but otherwise they left each other alone.

 

It took until that evening, long after Clint and Sam had arrived home (Clint with a bottle of bourbon, Sam with burgers and hugs for both of them) and left again, before Bucky lost it.

He took some comfort in not being dramatic or spectacular. One moment he was fine, helping Steve tidy up the kitchen, and the next he had started crying and couldn't stop.

“Oh, Buck.” Steve's arms were warm and strong, holding Bucky like he was going to shatter. To be fair, that wasn't impossible, with the way he was feeling. Who started sobbing over a cutting board? Bucky, that's who.

(His had been really nice, he'd picked it up at a craft market after flirting with the guy who made it, all carved cherrywood, and it had been _beautiful_ and now it was gone, forever. Even if he managed to track the guy down and paid another small fortune, it wouldn't have the weird little bloodstain from when he'd nearly removed a fingertip slicing a bagel, and it wouldn't have the crisscross marks from chopping meat for a stew and – it had been beautiful and now there was nothing left.)

“Poor love,” Steve whispered in his ear, one hand on Bucky's back, the other cupping the back of his head. “Bucky, my Bucky. Cry yourself out, I've got you.”

Bucky sobbed harder, and he _knew_ his silent crying was incredibly weird and creepy but Steve didn't seem to notice, or if he did, he just kept stroking Bucky's back.

Bucky wept until he didn't feel better, he just physically couldn't cry any longer, and also couldn't protest when Steve hoisted him up, arms wrapped strong under his bottom and his legs going around Steve's hips. He was not exactly a lightweight man, but Steve carried him into his bedroom – their bedroom, for the time being – and kicked the door softly behind him.

Bucky slid down Steve's body to the bed, which he immediately crawled into, because you were allowed to be a grown man and hide under the covers if you had almost died the night before, still couldn't take a deep breath, stood outside in bone-cracking cold so long your toes still sort of hurt, and also the things you owned the world were as followed: two pairs of sweatpants (one stained with soot), three sets of underwear (one clean), three socks (all mismatched) and one t-shirt because you habitually stole your boyfriend's shirts, so why keep stuff there? Also a brush that you suspected you shared with Clint when he couldn't find his, which was okay, because his shoes were what got you home last night.

Steve crawled in with him, because Steve was maybe the greatest boyfriend the world had ever created, and not just because he had the good sense to buy oversized hoodies and then never wash them, so that they smelled like him. Bucky drew himself into a little ball, shoving his face into Steve's shoulder, and heartily prayed that the world would go fuck off for a few hours.

“My poor love,” Steve whispered, and Bucky felt the kisses pressed to his head, his shoulder. “It'll be okay, Bucky. You're alive, that's the only thing that matters. You're _alive_. That's the only important thing.”

Bucky shoved Steve back so he could see him sign. NO IT ISN'T! I lost everything! Baby pictures, memories, souvenirs, things I LOVED. things you made me. things my family made me. beauty. memories. my dad's cufflinks. my mom's ring. ALL GONE.

Steve clearly could only get the gist, as fast as Bucky was signing, but he sucked in a breath when he got it. “Oh. Oh, Buck. No, it isn't okay.” And Bucky was just aware enough to see Steve start to cry, before he pushed himself tight against his boyfriend again, shaking hard. So much that was irreplaceable. So much beauty – the drawings Steve had given him, a portrait his first tiny niece had done in which he had three arms and was called Borky and which he had had professionally matted and framed. Photos of his parents. Hell, even an old sweater that had made him look totally ripped. There were memories, but they felt hollow, without the solid anchors he had had.

Steve held him gently, not moving or speaking, but there, until Bucky calmed down.

Right. He was alive, and would remake himself. Again. How many times was he going to have to _do_ this?

“Hey, Buck.” Steve's voice was thick, and he tasted like salt when Bucky kissed him. “I know it's just one thing,” he said softly. “But I'll make you new art. Beautiful things, to fill a new home. It's not a replacement – just, something new.”

Bucky nodded, and touched his forehead to Steve's. New beauty. Right. okay if I stop signing, typing?

“Always,” Steve said firmly. “You know that. Here, hang on, I'll make you a little nest and you can curl up for a bit.” He smiled at Bucky and touched his cheek. “And trade hoodies with me? Mine's warmer.”

Also it smelled more like Steve, so Bucky traded readily, and let his boyfriend make him a little pile of blankets and pillows, his body cradled in the softness. He had a coughing fit triggered by exactly nothing, but Steve just helped him sit up, gently uncurling him to keep his chest loose, then laid him back down on another pile of pillows. “Sleep like this tonight, okay love?” he said. “It'll help your breathing. Oh, stop looking at me like that, you think I'm not going to steal all this back in my sleep?” Steve teased.

Bucky ventured a smile.

“Uh huh.” Steve kissed him again. “I can't wait to make you beautiful art.” A beat. “And filthy art too, frankly.”

Bucky couldn't help but giggle silently at that.

“Here, I'll start.” Steve grabbed Sam's loaned iPad and opened a basic drawing program. Using his fingertip, he drew two stick figures and gave them each cocks. The little cartoon cocks were touching. Underneath he scrawled STEVE AND BUCKY and saved it.

Bucky made grabby-hands for the iPad, and as soon as Steve handed it over, set the drawing as the background, making Steve laugh out loud.

Bucky kissed his cheek, and snuggled back down in his nest. It _was_ easier to breathe, not flat on his back.

Steve had a few more things to take care of before bed, but he worked at his desk, and Bucky could watch him whenever he wanted. He'd started a list of everything he'd need to replace – starting with sending Steve out with a debit card and Bucky's clothing sizes _tomorrow_ – and was idly playing with Craigslist, just looking for apartments in the area.

Steve came back to bed and rested his chin on Bucky's shoulder, kissing his ear. “Hey you.”

Bucky smiled, and kissed him back. Or maybe he could talk Clint and Sam into letting him live here now. Sue was barely ever home, it wasn't like there'd be a crazy number of people around...

“Love you.”

Bucky was adorable, and he was now _homeless_ and _pathetic_. Clint and Sam would totally let him stay.

“I know you lost important things,” Steve said, voice a little hesitant. “I don't want to...devalue that. Just. You're alive and basically well, and you so easily couldn't have been.” His voice broke. “And that's the only thing that I can think about right now. That you're _here_ , still. I'm so sad for what you lost, but--”

Bucky cut him off with a hug. Steve couldn't understand, and knew that, but his caring helped. It did. It may not have been perfectly right for what Bucky was feeling but...that was a little too much to expect from another person. His boyfriend loved him and cared for him, and that was all he wanted in the world.

 

They fell asleep together, and Steve only stole one blanket, and used Bucky as a kind of giant pillow for the entire night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dietraumerei.tumblr.com
> 
> Also, any prompts for this 'verse are gratefully accepted. I can't promise anything, but I really want to write more about these boys.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an epilogue to go! It's already written, so I'll probably put it up today and tomorrow.
> 
> So many feelings. I loved writing this 'verse so much. I LOVE this incarnation of these boys. I want to write more. (When, the Lord alone knows. I have some ideas, but there's a lot more I want to get to first -- Warp and Weft, more in the Strike Gold 'verse, etc.) Thank you all so so so much for reading and commenting and enjoying. It helps so much to know that I'm not just yelling into the void. I would write even without feedback, to be honest, but this is what keeps me posting, keeps me slogging away through writer's block, keeps me, frankly, giving up precious free time to write for hours. I love that people love my exploration of disability, of kink, of how to work with a partner. It means SO MUCH.
> 
> Anyway -- enjoy!

“Hey, how you holding up? Oh, and coffee's fresh if you want some?”

thanks Bucky signed, and helped himself to a mug before joining Sam at the table. He set the iPad so Sam could read, and switched to typing.  _ thanks for lending me this, by the way! should have a replacement tomorrow _

“No rush, and you're welcome. Of course.” Sam smiled. “I promise I'm not going therapist at you, but for real, as your friend, how are you?”

_ I keep crying. my chest hurts. steve literally gets hearts in his eyes every time he looks at me. I aten't dead yet. _ Bucky shrugged  _ i'm okay. _

“Okay's not a bad place to be,” Sam said, and not-very-subtly pushed a bag of cookies Bucky's way.

_I'm glad I caught you actually. I wanted to talk to you and Clint. Would you be okay with me moving in for the rest of the lease? Steve said it's only like three months to go._

“Hang on I gotta think about this okay yeah, of course.” Sam said, with a completely straight face.

Bucky rolled his eyes. _Seriously!_

“Seriously, yes, of course, Bucky. It would be great to have you around.” Sam smiled warmly at him. “You and Steve gonna ditch us when the lease is up?”

Bucky smiled at him. _Maybe. Probably. You wanna listen to us have sex that bad?_

Sam made a face. “Point. But yeah, of course I don't mind, and I doubt Clint would even _notice_ to be honest. But we both like you, if you hadn't figured that out. And dude. Even if we _didn't_ like you, you need a place to stay. We're not gonna turn you out into the cold."

Bucky smiled at that. _Nah, I'd go stay with one of my sisters. But thanks. I can help with rent and stuff too._

“We'll work something out that's fair,” Sam promised him. And pushed the bag of cookies a little closer to Bucky.

_do you all have a feeding fetish?_ Bucky asked, more bemused than anything else.

Sam shrugged. “You're the one voluntarily staying in a household of people with savior complexes, you tell me.”

Bucky laughed silently at that, and ate a cookie to make Sam happy.  _hey, my sister's gonna try to come by tomorrow, if you're around and want to meet her?_

“I'll be here part of the day, hopefully I'll catch her,” Sam said, stealing a cookie for himself. “You've got three altogether, right?”

Bucky nodded, and they  hung out and talked about family  and ate cookies until Sam had to go.

 

Catching Clint and asking if he could stay was even easier – Bucky just handed him a cup of coffee, and Clint proposed  to him . Bucky, of course, accepted.

_no but for real, do you mind if I move in until the lease is up?_

“Dude, of course not! I kinda figured that's what you were doing anyway?” Clint drained half the mug in one long swallow. “Hey,” he said, more quietly this time. “I know you had insurance and all that, but you okay for money, for all the stuff you need right now?”

Bucky nodded, determined to ignore the thick feeling in his throat. It wasn't like he had to try to talk around it. I'm fine, really. Steve's out buying me clothes right now How many people had offered him money, furniture, clothes, anything he needed?

Bucky wouldn't recommend it as a method, but for being reminded of how loved he was – well, losing everything had that going for it.

“Good. If anything comes up though, seriously dude, please. Just ask.”

I will. Thank you. thank you so much.

Clint just smiled,  shoved his hand through his hair , and changed the subject.

 

“Okay, this'll at least keep you going for a few days,” Steve said, letting himself into their bedroom, a few big bags in his hands. “Until Nat can get free and you can go be gay besties or whatever and spend all day shopping because you are both _insane.”_

Bucky clasped his hands under his chin and gazed lovingly at Steve.

“I hope you understand just how much I love you to do this.”

Bucky pulled his shirt up to flash Steve.

“That's like one-one hundredth of what you owe me, Barnes.”

Bucky attempted to lick his own nipple. He stopped when Steve literally fell over laughing, and glared at him.

“I really, really love you,” Steve assured him from where he was sprawled on the floor. “C'mere and give your long-suffering boyfriend a hug, then let's make sure this all fits.” He held his arms out and Bucky knelt down, curling up between Steve's thighs for a quick cuddle.

He tried on the jeans and shirts Steve had brought him – all his usual size, all a little loose, which made Steve frown.

stress. even before the fire. give me a month and a lot of cake.

Steve frowned harder at him, but let it go. Everything fit well enough, anyway.

Bucky sat on the bed and gestured to Steve to sit down too, hooking his desk chair with a foot.  got a minute?

“For you? Yeah, I think I can clear my schedule,” Steve said, sitting down and tangling his feet with Bucky's. “What's up?”

Can I move in with you until the l-e-a-s-e is up? Bucky signed, slow to be sure Steve was following.  It's okay with Sam and Clint, I asked them.

Steve laughed, and kicked Bucky's calf lightly. “You don't need to ask that, you  dumbass . Of course you can  stay . I thought you  _ knew _ that.”

Bucky grinned and shrugged.  just making sure

“Yes. Yes, you can  live with me , James Buchanan Barnes.” Steve reached for his hands, squeezing them softly. “I would love nothing better.”

Bucky made a face at him, and decided to ignore the way he suddenly felt fifty pounds lighter. He hadn't  _ really _ thought Steve would say no.  Not really. Just. This, at least, was settled.

Steve, of course, felt that this was time for a hug, and Bucky cried a little for about the twelve thousandth time in the last few days, and Steve just held him a  bit longer, until he was calm again.

 

_ **Becca:** Be there in ten. I HAVE THE SURPRISE WITH ME. THE EAGLE LANDS AT MIDNIGHT. _

_** Steve:  ** MY EMU IS MADE OF GOLD _

_ I regret that I ever introduced you two. _ Bucky informed Steve,  using the iPad he was setting up with all his apps. (He had, much to his surprise, really missed reading aloud to Steve via the magic of audiobooks. Maybe that night.)

“Technically, you haven't. I've only texted with her,” Steve pointed out smugly.

_I still regret it. Also what's the surprise?_

Steve just gave him a look.

_ Cmonnnnnnnnn steveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee  _ Bucky draped himself across the table.

Steve shook his head.

Bucky assumed the position of a dying man, which left his stomach unprotected, so really Steve couldn't be blamed for giving him a healthy  tickle .

Bucky doubled over and glared at  him .  _ you are so mean _

“You are so dramatic,” Steve said, and rubbed Bucky's belly –  rather proud that it was softly curved, after a very big breakfast. He and Sam had learned that Bucky had a... call it a  casual approach to meals, and were doing their best to change that.

The doorbell rang and the two men scrambled for the front door, more or less fighting to whole way to see who would be first.

Steve, by virtue of height and muscle and fighting dirtiest, won. He pulled open the door to reveal not just Becca, but Emma  as well .

“Surprise!” the women chorused, and shoved past Steve as one to hug their pleasantly-shocked brother.

Bucky tugged a little on Emma's ponytail, an arm around each of them. He was grinning as wide as Steve had ever seen him.

“What, like I  _ wasn't _ gonna drive down and crash with Becca and come see you?”  Emma demanded. “Oh, also we have to basically constantly send text s and photos to Jen, Steve, you can handle that, right?”

“I'd be scared _not_ to,” Steve admitted, closing the front door behind them. The cold snap was still on, and he gently ushered all three of them into the warm apartment.

so these are my sisters Bucky signed once they were inside and the girls had taken their coats off.

“Uh. Hi.” Steve said, suddenly shy. Should he leave? Give them sibling time or whatever?  He was very unequipped for this.

Except he rapidly found himself with an armful of Barnes. Which wasn't unusual, except that this time it took the form of Bucky's two sisters, who had surged together and all but tackled him, hugging him tightly.

“Thank you  _ so much _ ,” Emma breathed, as she tried to crack his ribs.

Six months of pregnancy were limiting how close Becca could get, but she was hugging him just as strongly. “Yeah, he's basically useless when left to his own devices,” she teased, and Steve laughed and hugged them back.

Bucky was grinning at him  like he'd just won the lottery.

“Hey, you guys catch up, I'll make a pot of coffee,” Steve offered. “You hungry at all?”

Becca grinned at him. “Always. Can I trouble you for tea instead though? Please?”

Steve assured her it was no trouble at all, and left the three of them in the living room, Bucky already signing at top speed.

He came back with tea and coffee and a plate of sandwiches. The girls were on the sofa, Bucky facing them curled up in a big easy chair Sam had inherited from his grandfather. It was probably fifty years old, and maybe the most comfortable piece of  anything ever built.

Steve ignored his first instinct, to settle on a pillow at Bucky's feet. He had mostly stopped needing to be in physical contact with his lover at all times  over the last few days , and anyway, he wanted to sit where he could see Bucky sign – so he compromised by dragging over a beanbag that had probably been a dog bed once, and sitting next to Bucky. 

Emma's eyes found his, and she grinned at him. Steve was pretty sure he'd just passed a test, and grinned back.

“We have presents for you,” Becca informed him, and turned to face her sister. “You go first.”

Emma smiled and reached into her bag. “Now, there's more on the way, but Grace and May made these to start with.” She handed over a slim folder, and Bucky opened it to find a pile of drawings from his tiny neices.

“They know a little bit what happened,” she said quietly. “That your apartment burned down, but that you're okay. Skype with them soon, though?”

Bucky grinned, looking at the child-drawings, including one that had clearly had the help of an adult, since it showed three blobs, helpfully labelled UNCLE BUCKY, GRACE and MAY. There was a heart around all three of them.

Steve decided this was what dying of preciousness felt like.

Tell them thank you, and I love them. I promise to skype as soon as you're back home with them! Bucky signed. His hand lingered over the drawings, resting on the crayoned lines for a few breaths.

“ And we all made you this,” Becca said, handing over a big,  ugly  dark-brown book. “Sorry about the color, it was all I could find  at short notice . They're doubles of the photos we all had – Jen'll mail you hers,” she explained, while Bucky opened the cover almost reverentially.

Steve took a discreet photo and texted it to Jennifer.  _ I think I owe you all the best Christmas presents in existence. THIS is what he's been sad about,  losing all those memories . _

Bucky turned the pages, smile growing. He beckoned to Steve to come sit next to him and look. The photos were roughly chronological, starting with Bucky as an infant, cradled against a dark-haired woman's chest.

“Your Mom?” Steve asked softly, and Bucky nodded.

Steve rested his head against Bucky's, an arm wrapped around his shoulders as they paged through. Bucky's sisters, his parents, other relatives. Bucky as a toddler, gap-toothed and adorable. A little older. Then a dearth – Steve guessed there weren't many pictures from around the time Bucky had stopped talking, and he held his lover a tiny bit closer at the thought. More when Bucky hit adolescence. And plenty of what must have been their house growing up, a pretty sunset over an ocean, all the random photos of a life.

Bucky's smile was  _ huge _ when he reached the end, and he signed  thank you with  obvious emotion .

“I found another...you should have it.” Emma hesitated and pulled out a small envelope. “Steve, don't look at this until Bucky gives you the okay, all right?”

Steve gave Bucky an odd look, but slipped away, watching while Emma came to  stand next to her brother and give him the photo.

Bucky took it out, and gave her a sharp look.

“I'm sorry! I don't know what I was thinking, I know you did want any photos or anything, I don't...I don't know, maybe I didn't mean to take it. I forgot I even  _ had _ it,” she explained, blue eyes exactly like Bucky's showing her frustration at herself. “I promise, that's the  only one . You can destroy it if you want. I'm  _ sorry.” _

Bucky just  looked at her,  then squeezed her shoulder.  it's okay. I was such a dick then. it's okay, Emma. Don't be upset.

Emma gave him a disbelieving look. “Seriously?”

Seriously. Bucky smiled, sudden and sweet.  it was so long ago. it's not important anymore. i'm sorry I made you worry.

“Who is this  well-adjusted person and what have you done with Bucky?” Becca demanded, while Steve practically crawled out of his skin to see what the hell the photo was.

Bucky waved him back over, grabbing him so they were both squashed on the chair together, and showed Steve the photo.

It was Bucky, and it must have been taken right after his motorcycle accident. There were still cuts on his face, and Steve winced at the twin black eyes he had. His skin was too pale, even his lips were nearly white. He looked so  _ young _ , too – the last of his baby fat still  on his face,  giving him an innocent look . And his left arm – in a heavy brace from fingertips to shoulder, the fixator holding his arm bones clearly  visible , the pins going into his forearm.

Steve turned his head and kissed Bucky's temple, wondering exactly how many times in his life Bucky had faced down losing everything.

Bucky head-butted him a little, and they shared a smile.

“Hey,” Steve said quietly, and leaned in to kiss Bucky lightly, then sat back, letting  _ him _ decide what to do. Possibly they had both grown up a lot, since meeting the other.

Bucky shrugged, and slipped the photo back into the envelope, and carefully tucked it in the back of the album.

Becca and Emma were both staring at them dumbly.

“What?” Steve asked, genuinely confused.

“You barely let  _ us _ see you for  _ months _ after the accident!” Becca sputtered.

“You wore long sleeves all that next summer!” Emma said.

“I know for a _fact_ that you hid your arm from _multiple partners_ ,” Becca continued to shriek.

Steve looked at them,  suspecting he had missed something . “I mean, we had a stupid fight about it. And talked a lot. And Bucky laid down all the boundaries he needed, so he could feel safe,” he said, obscurely wanting to defend his boyfriend even though he secretly usually thought Bucky was kind of a pain in the ass about this whole thing. “But I know the gist of what happened and I've seen his arm and nobody, you know, ascended to  Asgard  or anything.”

Bucky started snickering.  guys I can change. i'm sorry I was a dope.  S teve is being modest. he helped so much. it's still a Thing and I don't plan to frame the photo but it's better now.

Emma got up and stalked over to the easy chair. “You!” she said, and pointed at Steve. “Here. Hug.  _ Now _ .”

Steve couldn't have disobeyed if he wanted to, not with that tone of voice. Maybe it was a thing you got when you became a mother, he wondered to himself, standing up and allowing Emma to wrap herself around him.

He hugged her back, remembering Bucky mentioning the defense force his sisters had made themselves into, Valkyries who kept him safe, translated for him, and beat the shit out of anyone who messed with him.

Maybe  he could get  an  official membership card or something.

“Thank you,” Emma breathed into his ear. “Thank you, thank you. Steve, you've just...”

“I can't promise I'll name this baby after you, but there's a good chance,” Becca teased, materializing at his side and joining in for a rough hug.

“Guys, Bucky did all the hard work,” Steve felt he had to say.

Let him breathe _ ,  _ Bucky signed, tapping Emma on the shoulder to get her attention.

“Nope. He's mine. We're keeping him.”

“Can we call ourselves the Bucky Barnes Defense Squad?” Steve asked hopefully. “And have t-shirts?”

“We'll teach you the secret handshake,” Becca promised him, while Bucky buried his face in his hands. “Oh, shut up you loser, and take a picture we can send Jen.”

Steve just laughed, and made sure his Charlie's Angels pose was top-notch, even though it made Bucky glare at all of them.  _ Especially _ because of that.

The rest of the afternoon passed with considerably less high emotion, with the four of them catching up, mostly about Emma's kids  and other assorted relations . Becca had begun to really show, and both Steve and Bucky  got to feel the baby kick.  (“Good God,” was Steve's response. “You're telling me,” Becca said dryly.) Sam came home briefly, charmed the hell out of the entire room, but had to head out before he could join them for  pizza .

“Promise you'll text us when you get home?” Steve asked, when it was time for the girls to go home.

“Promise. And probably along the way, too.” Emma hugged him again, and kissed his cheek. “Take care of Bucky. And let him take care of you, okay?”

“Promise.” Steve kissed her cheek, and Becca's. “Safe travels,  ladies .”

Bucky hugged his sisters goodbye in turns, holding on a little tighter than usual this time. Emma murmured something in Bucky's ear, far too soft for Steve to catch, but he rubbed her back and nodded.

we'll visit soon he promised, and they waited in the doorway, Steve's arms wrapped around Bucky from behind, until they rounded the corner to where their car was parked.

I'm not going to die if I stand outside for five minutes, Bucky signed once they were back in, but he was smiling, and gave Steve a little nudge.

“That's nice. You start shivering if you're near a  _ window _ ,  Buck, ” Steve said, and he was only exaggerating a  _ little _ . Or a lot.

Bucky giggled quietly, and pulled Steve into a hug, resting his chin on Steve's shoulder and swaying them a little, just for fun.

“I really like your sisters,” Steve said. And then, inevitably, “What went wrong with you?”

Bucky snickered and poked Steve hard in the sides, then kissed him.  they LOVE you

“Aw. We g o t on okay.” Steve rubbed the back of his neck and grinned. “ It was nice seeing your baby pictures.”

Bucky nodded hard, walking them lazily into the bedroom.  I love the album so so so much. did you tell them that's what I  was sad about ?

“I didn't, actually. All I got was notice that Becca would be bringing Emma to surprise you,” Steve promised, and hesitated. “Hey,” he said softly, closing the bedroom door behind him. “Thanks for letting me see the picture of you right after the accident. I know that's hard as hell for you.”

Bucky shrugged, canting his eyes to one side.  it's stupid to hide it. you don't care

“No, I care a lot,” Steve argued. “I care that you got hurt, and I care that it bothers you so much. I don't care that it makes your arm look different, or that you need help moving heavy stuff. There's a difference.”

Bucky smiled, and tucked himself back into Steve's arms.

Steve kissed his forehead, then his shoulder. “C'mon. We have episodes of Bob's Burgers to obsessively re-watch.”

Bucky giggled, and got changed into pajamas, the two of them moving around each other easily, then curling up together, Bucky's head resting on Steve's shoulder.

He traced a heart into Steve's chest, and relaxed, going boneless and happy when Steve kissed his ear,  and traced a heart right back .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dietraumerei.tumblr.com


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants me, I'll be having a little cry in the corner. I loved writing this story SO MUCH you guys. I love these boys so much. This is definitely only the end for now. I want to get a few in-progress stories out the door (Warp and Weft fans -- all five of you -- your time has come!), but I already have ideas about the next story which are in no way influenced by my finding myself with an unexpected career.

Epilogue: New Year's Eve

 

“Okay, so seven is...heaven!” Clint yelled, and shot his hand up, clearly thrilled to not be the last person. For once.

Becca's husband lost that round and downed the required two fingers of his beer while being berated by his wife  for tarnishing the family name.

Bucky snickered, and leaned back on the sofa, propping his feet up. It would have been awesome revisiting the old apartment, except he and Steve practically still lived there anyway, so there wasn't much  new about tonight . Thor had taken Steve's old room when they'd found a new place just a few blocks over, and Sam and Clint had stayed. Sue did too, although as usual she was spotted, on average, once every six weeks.

Steve stretched out with his head on Bucky's lap, purposefully not joining in the drinking game because he was a loser who hated fun. Also his new medication and alcohol didn't mix, but he was _also_ a loser who hated fun, and that was the important bit.

Bucky cupped his hand around Steve's cheek, thumb just touching his cheekbone, barely stroking the soft skin.

They shared a smile, sweet and private, and Bucky leaned forward to pull his card,  purposely trying to crush Steve's face while bending over. If the man was going to be obsessed with Bucky eating enough (and he  _ had _ put on a little weight since they lived together and okay it  _ did _ look good on him), he could survive being smothered for a few seconds.

“Four! Four is. Fuck.” Clint turned back to the rules on his phone. This was the worstbest drinking game ever.

“Hi,” Steve said, and Bucky grinned and pinched  the tip of his nose.  He was in  _ love _ and had so much fun being dumb as fuck about it. (He was also a tiny bit drunk.)

The drinking game dissolved not much later,  and Steve and Bucky got pulled away by different groups of friends until just before midnight.

Bucky was signing with Becca when Steve came up behind him and slipped his arms around Bucky's waist, kissing his cheek. Bucky settled back against him, touching Steve's hands on his stomach.

“Hi,” Steve drawled, and smiled at Becca. “I just peeked in on Grainne, she's still fast asleep.”

“Aw, thanks,” she said. “She's a great little sleeper.”

“Just like her namesake,” Steve volunteered, and got a headbutt for his troubles.

Less than a minute to midnight, going by the TV, and Bucky turned around, wrapping his arms so tightly around Steve.

“Yeah, I'm ready to say goodbye to this year too,” he murmured, stroking the back of Bucky's head.

Bucky shrugged. Okay, it had been shit in a lot of ways. The fire. Steve's long depression in the autumn. But he had a home with his boyfriend now, he'd rebuilt his life, and Steve was doing  _ so _ much better, even better than before. And he had a new niece, tiny  Grainne who  was his goddaughter , and therefore his favorite. (They were all his favorite.) 

He shook his head and leaned back so Steve could watch him sign.  last new year's I was scared we wouldn't be together this year

Steve's eyes crinkled, he smiled so hard. “Last New Year's, we were both dicks.”

you mean I was

“Shut up,” Steve told him, and the ball dropped and Bucky was gathered up and kissed, Steve's hand slowly rubbing his back as the old year flowed into the new. “ I love you,” Steve whispered, and kissed his ear. “I love you Bucky Barnes.”

Bucky hugged back tightly and traced a heart on Steve's back. His lover, his best friend, other half. Yeah, they were  _ definitely _ still gonna be doing this, next New Year's.

 

January 1 st dawned cold and clear, and Bucky huddled deeper under their duvet. He wasn't hungover exactly. Just very lazy. It was a day  _ off _ , he was  _ allowed _ .

Steve rolled over and draped himself over Bucky, his head heavy on Bucky's shoulder, not unlike a heating pad. It was nice.

Bucky pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, closed his eyes, and dozed back off. They had the whole year ahead to do things other than be warm and together; why give it up just now?

 

Fin

(For now.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you all.
> 
> *goes in corner to cry*

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have an update schedule planned, but I'll aim for a chapter every week or so.
> 
> dietraumerei.tumblr.com

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Cover for "C8H10N4O2 (The Building Block of Love)" by die_traumerei](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7327447) by [Lovesfic (me23)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/me23/pseuds/Lovesfic)




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